Sick and Tired of being in Debt!

Knitty78

I've just caught up with your thread and well done for admitting you have a problem. However:

I will hand over my credit card and my bank card to my other half with my loan paperwork for all three loans for her to keep hold of and only allow me access to money she takes out for me. I will give her the login details for my online banking so she can go on there and change the password so she only has access to it and I will ask her to help me somehow get out of this mess.

Is putting a lot of pressure on your girlfriend. My OH tried to do it with me and I have to tell him that he's a grown up and if he cares enough about us he will take responsibility for himself. I also deal with all the household bills from the joint account (like your girlfriend) and I don't want the added stress of dealing with his cash as well as my own and that of the household.

Thrifty_Pixie

'Like I have said, I am no gambling addict. I have made the simple mistake of thinking that I could try and win some money to solve my situations and try and make a new start and have made it worse... '

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Hi AJ...I've been reading your story and your comment above could be the words of most gambling addicts i've ever met.

I'm glad you are going to tell all to your OH and I'm glad you've admitted your debts and come here (cuz we're all really quite nice and helpful ) but another thing I would seriously suggest you do is join the Gambling Addiction forum on here and maybe even visit Gamblers Anon. YOU might not think you have a problem with it, but most addicts don't, and there are many different levels of addiction.

The fact that you have used gambling as a crutch on more than that one time that you initially admitted to here, means that it is already becoming a problem, and your way of thinking of it as 'a quick fix' HAS TO BE CHANGED. You should never gamble if you can't afford to lose that money!

PLEASE consider talking to people like GeorgeUK about it and join the forum on here.

Also I would have to agree with the above poster in that handing all your finances over to your OH is going to make a stressful situation even worse for her...and easier for you. A better option would be to cut up the credit card, cut back, and DO IT YOURSELF to prove to her that you can change and be responsible with your money. If she does everything for you, she may lose respect for you and you may not change at all when you get those cards back in your hands. Let's face it (sorry to sound harsh here) you say she is your life, yet you haven't changed...YET.

I wish you oodles of luck telling your OH, and if you love her as much as you say you do, I hope you are finally serious about addressing your overspending and can prove yourself to her. And I do apologise if this all sounds a tad harsh, but we really are only here to try to help

Take care,
TPx

Happytogetdebtfree

Aj wow on the post it was a big one... life is what you make it and with a little organisation you can get things in order, maybe you could ask someone to email you a template of a spreadsheet, or create a book write in your soa work out your total outstanding balance, speak to your parents see if you can pay 125 for a few months intiate some steps your self... i used to date a man who gambled and well i ended up loosing 3k of savings bailing him out in the end i moved on because i felt so annoyed that he was been so stupid maybe he was hiding things from me i thought i was helping i got a loan to pay his debts off and help him out but then it took me as long to get what he owed me back but he paid it all back... lesson learned is that you cant help someone if they wont help themselves...... it seems you want to help yourself... the first port of call which you could act on now is to ring your parents and say you are in this predicament and can the amount you pay them be reduced to 125 or 100 for the time? then what your not paying them you need to clear high intrest cards with.... im only 25 look at the numbers in my sig but i have to just get on things will come to an end getting another loan only delays the process and so fourth keep strong keep posting and good luck on the journey..... xxx you may be able to buy an engagement ring but what goods a ring when it will mean the wedding if you are in this position, i had that same experience... i had the ring and plowed ahead planning the wedding my oh had the finances and i thought he was in control then 8 months before it was to happen he broke down said it couldnt happen and allowed me to see our predicament i felt well i cant describe i cried alot and i talked it out and i hid my pride and called the wedding off and put it to lasy year and now im married and i didnt add to my debt nor did i spend more than needed.... what im saying is a ring on the finger will mean alot more when you can give it all, so dont feel pressured into having to buy a ring because people are asking... im in the predicament of when will you have children and move house id really like to say when i have no more debt but i dont want to shout it from the roof tops x

AJLondon

Thanks for your comments and all your advice guys. I will have a look and the Gambling forum...

In relation to asking her to take control of my money and access to it, It shows her that I want to sort this out and it will mean more for her to know that she can control what I am doing and will give her some kind of piece of mind..

In relation to the gambling.. its not the be all and end all for me.. i always have made sure that if i have anything to pay for then its paid, bills and outgoings are always accounted for first...

It just so happens that I am working later tonight (till 2200) so my OH will be at home alot earlier than I am. I have left her a note with this thread open on my laptop at home and have asked her to read it all from start to finish..

What she doesn't know is that I have left my credit card and my bank card along with my loan paperwork (all of it) under the couch.

I have done this so she has more time to digest and take it all in before I come home later tonight..

to be honest I wouldn't blame her at all for locking me out or for me to come home and find a suitcase of my stuff outside the door.. I would have no money and nowhere to go.. but its the least I deserve..

Don't get what I have said before about a ring wrong. Its something I really want to do, the jokes and comments are something I have lived with for a while, I just got impatient with it all and chose the wrong route for sorting out saving for it..

I know it seems I maybe taking the chicken way out and I can assure you I am not, I don't want to get all defensive to her about what I have done and argue even more than we will do... for me putting it all down in black and white is an easier way to explain everything... rather than hold it back because of an argument. Its also there for all to see and for me to read every single time in future I have any extra money and feel like spending money needlessly!

Tonight is d-day for me and my future... I am sitting here at work with the shakes.. literally.. its all i can think of... I really don't know what I am going to do if I lose her...

I just hope that when she has had time to think about it, she can find it in her heart to love me, and want to help me.. by giving her everything to do with my finances... i am asking for one final chance and for her to control me financially. IT IS WHAT I NEED if I am going to get out of this mess.

If we can get through tonight. I will then proceed to explain all to her family and mine..

velrist

I've been in the same position as your girlfriend, with the exception of my current partner, my previous long term partners have run up debts and then looked to me to sort them out. My ex still owes me thousands that I doubt I will ever see again unless something miraculous happens.

I manage my own finances meticulously, my current debts are from large home improvements and a car that I consolidated onto a very low rate loan and I'm fortunate to have a low mortgage.

The thing is, every time I bailed out my ex he would increase them again or get things he didn't need on 'buy now pay later', everytime I felt tempted to pull the plug and refuse to bail him somehow I felt like it would be my fault if he ended up being bankrupt. He's still not learnt how to manage his finances properly but these days he is someone else's problem (debt is not the reason we split up though).

My point is, if she does help you get control of your finances then you need to help her in return by REALLY sticking to whatever agreement you make and not running up further debts by being weak or thinking that a quick fix on a slot machine will help out. Gambling is mathematically designed so that gamblers lose more than they win.

I truly hope that your relationship survives your honesty and that you're strong enough to learn how to live within your means from now on.

AJLondon

Believe me I have learn't now more than ever that its a route that I must never take again. For me now the hardest part (apart from discussing this tonight..if she will talk to me) will be earning her trust when it comes to money once more..

At least with handing everything over to her to control and for her to know I have no access to any kind of money apart from what she personally gives to me will be a start...

I am not asking her for money, I am not asking anyone else for money. I am asking her to take access to money away from me for a long while..

AJLondon

P.s. today is the first £0.00 spend day for me in a long long time.

Happytogetdebtfree

i dont know if giving her control of your finances is putting pressure on her to change your ways, what i mean is its your debt and your responsibility so why cant you care for the cards and loans, it may make her resentful if you throw all your financial concerns at her, what might be better is if you ask for help but still take control of your money because when will you be able to show trustworthy of your card again? say she does take the card and controls finances, eventually when you are debt free where in the process will you have shown good management of money enough for her to give you back the cards and responsibilitys.... i dont mean that in a rude or nasty way this computer can be limited in allowing you to express without causing offence.... im sorry if i have caused offence x

AJLondon

Happytogetdebtfree wrote: »

i dont know if giving her control of your finances is putting pressure on her to change your ways, what i mean is its your debt and your responsibility so why cant you care for the cards and loans, it may make her resentful if you throw all your financial concerns at her, what might be better is if you ask for help but still take control of your money because when will you be able to show trustworthy of your card again? say she does take the card and controls finances, eventually when you are debt free where in the process will you have shown good management of money enough for her to give you back the cards and responsibilitys.... i dont mean that in a rude or nasty way this computer can be limited in allowing you to express without causing offence.... im sorry if i have caused offence x

Not a problem and no offence taken.

Let me explain, what I am trying to so is give her control straight away as I have proved enough I am useless with money. By giving her control I cut out everything and look (with her help) build from there..

As I recover my situation then maybe just maybe she will give some freedom back to me.. but at the moment I don't want it.

I am in a position today where I have these debts and for the next two months £290.00 disposable and then £195.00 disposable from end of April onwards (when the new Halifax loan starts to come out).. and I want that disposable money to be dealt with properly.

What I am saying is, I am asking her to give me the basics I need per month only when I need it and she can control the rest...

kaz0705

AJ, I'm so new to this that when I responded earlier, I'd on;y read the first page! The comment box at the bottom made me think that was the end of the posts! So sorry if i recapped what had been said.

Most other people on here have far more experience than i do about actually paying off debt so all i can offer is support:

Women - or anyone in a close relationship- are normally pretty intuitive. If this has been worrying for a while, I'm sure your OH will just be pleased that she knows what is going on now. My boyfriend was in a pretty bad place with debt (it wasn't large but then neither was his income!) but in August last year sent me a text to say he'd received a letter confirming his last debt payment and he thanked me for his support. Now its my turn and he's supporting me- its bought us closer and means if i have to say "can we only go out for a meal if it's 2for1?" or "can we get a video instead of going to the cinema?" he totally understands.

Yes she's bound to be disappointed (the worse!!) but as long as you really really are committed to sorting this all out, I'm sure she'll support you.

Regarding CDs and DVDs, my friend just made £50 on [cant post links yets!] music magpie dot com. Think it's mentioned on here somewhere. You enter the barcode of your cds and dvds and they tell you the best price. Then you print off a free post label and send them off and get a quote.

Re: mobile. O2 have been fantastic for me and as i was happy to keep my current phone, have offered me a sim only contract (which is on a 30day contract now instead of my usual 18months) with 700mins, 1400 texts and unlimited internet. I'm pretty confident that I'll never spend more than the standard tarriff now!

Anyway, like I said before, there's ALWAYS an light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure by tomorrow you'll see a glimmer of that.

Don't be hard on yourself, just be firm. And as someone says, as long as you've got a home and food then you're doing alright.

Best of luck.

x