Sick and Tired of being in Debt!

AJLondon

jintyb wrote: »

Hey AJ,

have been reading your story and I wish you well tackling your problems.
If I may offer some advice - please be brave and tell your girl about your predicament sooner rather than later. The sooner you tell her the better, as you wont be fretting about her finding out and maybe she can support your efforts? Remember, relationships should be based on trust and if she loves you enough to marry you then you owe it to her to tell the truth. I spent years shouldering all the debt while I was married because I was too frightened to admit the problem. We had wonderful holidays, all the designer trappings and expensive social life, but it counts for nowt believe me when, deep down, you know you cant afford it! I am now divorced ( not to do with the debt) and I am still paying it off. I am on a DMP with CCCS and although it will take me ages to pay it off I have never been happier as I know Im dealing with it and living within my monthly limit. I try to budget as best I can and think carefully about what I spend. The various threads on here have helped me tremendously, I eat well for a lot less for instance and save money wherever I can. The posh holidays had to go, but guess what? I dont miss 'em! They'll be back eventually!
Keep your chin up and I wish you all the very best

Thank you!!! I was considering a DMP but do not want it to affect my new house or my OH's financial status..

Thing is if I could combine it all into one i can easily pay something like £600-£700 a month off...

dumpy

AJLondon wrote: »

Thing is if I could combine it all into one i can easily pay something like £600-£700 a month off...

But there isn't an easy way out and you need to address the reasons why you have debt.

If you consolidate it hasn't gone away and I'd be ready to bet that you'd run up your cards again.

You are still trying to find ways to make this go away without you having to cut down on your lifestyle and sorry but that isn't going to happen.

It's going to take time and you are going to have to give things up.

Speaking as someone who lived with a person who ran up big debts and would not get his head out of the sand, don't think "i hope she loves me enough to stay" think "do I love her enough to change"

AJLondon

dumpy wrote: »

But there isn't an easy way out and you need to address the reasons why you have debt.

If you consolidate it hasn't gone away and I'd be ready to bet that you'd run up your cards again.

You are still trying to find ways to make this go away without you having to cut down on your lifestyle and sorry but that isn't going to happen.

It's going to take time and you are going to have to give things up.

Speaking as someone who lived with a person who ran up big debts and would not get his head out of the sand, don't think "i hope she loves me enough to stay" think "do I love her enough to change"

Listen, you guys do not realise how much it has taken for me to come on here and tell my story and bare it all to you... I am not trying to maintain a lifestyle. I have no lifestyle... I hardly go out and thats been the case for years... we hardly go out and when we do we always put £20 together to get us there and get us home...

I love her with my heart & soul as she is my soulmate and my best friend.. I want to change, and will do all i can to change...

I realise i deserve stick and to be given a kick up the !!!!!...

AJLondon

I have just posted on my blog a possibility for people or companies to sponsor the site over a 6 month or 12 month term with all sorts of benefits to promote themselves. If I can just get one company/person interested I would be looking at £1000 which would be straight onto my CC as I am looking to pay that off as soon as I can.

I have made a start with my Bank Account, cutting the option for an overdraft on the head.. My new motto will be if the money isn't there then thats it!

I am trying people... i promise..

debtdesperado

Hi AJ
I think your posts are really interesting because your mind is still going 19 to the dozen about consolidating/gambling/confessing to your OH... all external 'solutions' ....the one thing I don't see is YOU actually DOING anything... I think this is quite a common reaction at first!
Slow your mind down, and don't look at the bigger picture at the moment (it's way, way too overwhelming - it took me 4 months from my LBM to get to the point of totalling my debt up - I just couldn't face it as it was so terrifying until I'd started to pay it off (by the way, it was £42k)). Start small. So you have £70 (or however much) for the month. What social arrangements can you cancel? Cancel them. Just say you are busy and reschedule them until next month (when you reschedule them, if you can scale them down, do so - eg don't go for a meal, go for a drink etc). Can you stop buying coffees or papers? Start taking a packed lunch to work? You'll find you'll spend quite a few nights in watching telly, but that's ok. Start by aiming for one no spend day - when you're a terrible spender it sounds simple, but is really, really hard. I would put money on it (but was put off by your gambling story :-) that you won't be able to do it the first few attempts! Take heart though, it won't always be this bad...
I think the most difficut thing about stopping the debt is that for the first couple of months it's hard work to stop the momentum of the debt, eg you have to pay bank charges for last months mistakes, trailing interest from credit cards and so on. So just at the point when you want to start afresh, you can't. But just start plodding and keep going - lots of small changes add up over time to massive changes.
My other tip is that...unless you have a gambling problem (only you know if you do)... you probably have loads and loads of stuff - start decluttering and sell as much as you can. You won't get anything like what it's 'worth' but clearing stuff out makes you feel better and reminds you of how much money you have wasted, which makes the money you do have more precious, so you'll be less likely to waste it.
And if you want to start saving for an engagement ring, get a jar, cut a hole in the top, tape the lid on firmly and then start putting pound coins into the jar whenever you can.... don't worry about filling it or how much money it will hold, just put a pound or two in every week. Decide you'll open it at the end of the year. If you fill it before the end of the year, put it in a cupboard, and get another jar and start again. Keep it simple, and you'll be much more successful.

AJLondon

Thats the thing, I don't have a gambling problem at all... I have debt that has mounted up and just thought of a quick fix last friday. But once i started playing and losing money, i was putting more money in to try and get back the money I had just lost and it snowballed!

I am grateful for your tips and advice.. I will be having my nightmare moment when I post my SOA on here in the morning, with everything in black and white...

jintyb

AJLondon wrote: »

Thank you!!! I was considering a DMP but do not want it to affect my new house or my OH's financial status..

Thing is if I could combine it all into one i can easily pay something like £600-£700 a month off...

Look into a DMP - it wont affect your house, it will affect your credit rating though, but it sounds like your credit rating is suffering anyway. Look on the CCCS website for advice - they're not for profit and are great for non judgmental advice and support.
I know it takes a lot of courage to admit your debts and I applaud you for doing it - just take a small simple steps to the solution. You didnt accumulate the debt overnight so do expect it to go away overnight!
Sorry if I sound bossy!

AJLondon

Get this.... (really strange)

Just had a different branch of the Halifax call me and leave me a message to say that they can offer me something better on my loans, a better deal (because my APR is bad..on the second one)..

What shall i do?

dumpy

AJLondon wrote: »

Listen, you guys do not realise how much it has taken for me to come on here and tell my story and bare it all to you... I am not trying to maintain a lifestyle. I have no lifestyle... I hardly go out and thats been the case for years... we hardly go out and when we do we always put £20 together to get us there and get us home...

I love her with my heart & soul as she is my soulmate and my best friend.. I want to change, and will do all i can to change...

I realise i deserve stick and to be given a kick up the !!!!!...

Yes I do realise that this has hit you hard and I'm full of admiration for you coming on here and posting but I'm writing as a person who has lost thousands of pounds to someone who thought that he needed to spend money and go out.

In the end he needed/wanted to do that more than he wanted me. I won't go into details about how that made me feel. He said he loved me and that I was the most important thing in his life. But I wasn't, spending money was more important to him.

You say in your earlier posts that all your food/bills are accounted for which is brill. So what do you actually need to spend money on in the next month?

Write it down and look at it and think "how important is this to me"

I'm not trying to have a go, I'm trying to get you to look at what you want to spend your money on.

Abbafan1972

Didn't want to just read and run.

Hubby has the Halifax reward account (not "ultimate reward"), where there isn't the £12.50 charge and you get a £5 gift every month, as long as you pay in at least £1,000 a month.

Hope you get it all sorted soon.