How to meet people without spending too much money.

woody01

euronorris wrote: »

And with a name like 'Woody'......I think you're onto a winner there OP!

Atennnnnnn........shun!

smartpicture

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

as much as I'd love to I just won't have the courage to go to those 'singles' clubs or similar by myself.

When I went through a phase of trying this, and I didn't have any single friends to go with, I found there was quite an easy solution to that particular problem.

Most of these clubs have a website nowadays (or if not, you'll have the organisers phone number), so you can get in touch with people beforehand. Then just ask someone if they'd mind meeting you outside the venue so you don't have to go in on your own. No-one ever said no to me, and I joined a few of these clubs that way. The advantage (apart from not having to walk in on your own and stand around looking like a lemon), is that the person you're with will make an effort to introduce you to a few people so at least you know a few names and can talk to a few people until you find your feet. Or, if you hook up with another newbie, you can stand around together comparing notes until you find the courage to join in. I actually made a good friend this way so at least I had 1 friend in a similar boat for future events!

If you find a club too cliquey (my rule was always to give it a least 2 chances before deciding that), either move onto another one, or wait 3 months and try that one again - the people going tend to change quite frequently, so don't give up too easily. The club I found the best was IVC, which isn't really a singles club but more about organising activities for anyone who wants a more active social life and to meet more people. Eventually you'll find a group you click with - and hopefully that will lead to what you really want.

Ladyhawk

Smartpicture - what is IVC??

smartpicture

Ladyhawk wrote: »

Smartpicture - what is IVC??

Google IVC and it's the first link. No idea what it stands for, sorry!

PasturesNew

Start a local-based "single, professionals club for those aged 30-60 who want to do stuff without there being a hint of romance". So, an activities based one. As you're running it, you get to meet everybody and be "the head", which should do away with your shyness.

The people can meet/chat online - with maybe a fortnightly pub night to get together. To be a member they should agree to arrange a minimum of one event per year, which must cost under £5 to participate (they can organise more/dearer ones, but they must organise a cheap one).

Typical events could be: pub night, meet up at an existing pub on its quiz nights, walks, cinema nights on cheap nights, all you can eat buffet meals, organising a barbecue at a local park in the summer, some people might want to have a birthday party at their house.

That way you're generating your own group of like-minded people, with an eye on the pennies - and starting it all online means you can do it without spending a penny.

roger196

If you want to meet men, try a plumbing or brick-laying course. Does wonders for your level of fitness ( try bending two inch steel pipe) and diy skills. Other possibilities are a car club, check which ones will allow you to join without that particular make but just an interest in/ hoping to buy. Join a political party, if you are amoral join all three. Religous groups usually welcome potential recruits. Just some thoughts.

Emmzi

meetup.com, see what is in your area? I like board games clubs and they are very bloke-heavy. shy is ok cos its about the game, not you.

There_Goes_Trouble

Gosh so many replies!! Thanks you!!

I'll try and reply to all comments if I can, without boring you all...

woody01 wrote: »

Where are you from?
If its near, i will take you out for a drink
Thanks... I think!!! I'll keep you in mind!! (LOL)

Fire_Fox wrote: »

You do sound a little depressed, but don't forget depression can be mild, moderate or severe....
...Really your feelings need addressing before you can go further, as you say you often don't feel you fit in and don't like doing things alone - honest to God, few people do!
I'm not depressed honestly. Turning 35 was something I found very hard, I was also badly anaemic, had shingles and another health concern at the time, and was in a job I hated. I was under the care of my GP obviously and depression was something I was verging on, but I was able to overcome that. I have since improved my health, developed a far more positive way of thinking and changed my job so that 3 years down the line I am in a much better place altogether, I'm just a bit sad about the things which I percieve to be missing from my life.

Could you maybe join a Walking for Health group or Green Gym? AFAIK these are free and might help lift your mood. Alternatively you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling or exercise on prescription or even medication to see if any of these will help.
As for walking, well I walk all day for my job and I have 2 pet dogs which I walk in my lunch break, after work and at weekends so exercise is certainly not lacking in my life!!

Voluntary work doesn't have to be time consuming, I am a founder member of a residents group which only meet once a month...
I really should look in more depth at some voluntary work, I know it's all on the council website as I found it when I was looking for conservation work.

Also met some cool thirty-somethings at a Transition Towns social gathering.... http://transitiontowns.org/TransitionNetwork/TransitionInitiative
Why don't you pop over to the 'Single and in Debt' thread on the DFW diaries board? You don't need to have any proper debt, a mortgage will qualify! This book has loads of ideas on how to find free stuff to do, get it out of the library:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Lived-Year-Just-Pound/dp/1906593124/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263783554&sr=8-1

Thanks for all that, I'll have a look.

If you have a house then do you have a spare room? Take in a lodger for some tax-free income.
I wouldn't do that at the moment, my spare room is a box room so not really suitable for renting out, and I have got dogs and cats and I am very fussy about how they are handled... both my dogs are unwell at the moment. Also after living alone for 14 years I'm not sure how I'd adjust to sharing!

Kazipoo wrote: »

Have you considered perhaps becoming a penpal? I know its old-fashioned to write these days, but it surely would help with the shyness aspect? I met my husband in this way, and we have been married 16 years now.
Hadn't thought about that, do you know of a good agency? I can google it but a recommendation would be good.

Ladyhawk wrote: »

Last time someone asked me that it was my father's oldest friend and my reply was " I am waiting for a rich man, with a 9" ****"... embarressing but at least it put an end to that conversation!
I'm DEFINATELY storing that one away for future use!!! Thanks!!

Lotus-eater wrote: »

If I was single, I'd be asking you out, like woody is.
Thanks!
I don't know tbh, you sound intelligent, caring, happy and full of life. Lots of people are shy, I wouldn't hold that against you in the slightest.
Thank you, that's how I think I come across
The only thing I would say, not advise, but say (and I'm probably going to get flak from women for this), is that available women tend to dress one way and taken women another way. It's well known that men like women to dress a bit more nicely and that attracts men. Maybe even a slight change in the way you dress would make a difference, I'm not telling you to dress like a sl*t.
I don't really go out places to dress any differently.... that's the main problem.
Try different web dating sites, maybe you haven't found the right one for you.
I'm just using one free one right now, the others are all very expensive!

ukjoel wrote: »

Dont take this personally - Actually forget that you should take this personally as its about you.
Fair enough!!
As yourself what football team you are.
I dont mean what team you support but if lets say a Hugh Grant when single was a man utd and Frank Gallagher (from shameless) was a No league Eastleigh then where would you be.
I'm a Man Utd based on your analogy I think, but then I have never watched 'Shameless...'

Then try and find a partner in the same division. Be that premiership or Hampshire pub league.
But this is the problem!!! It's not that I'm meeting the wrong types, I'm not meeting people at all!! Hence the title of my thread - how to meet people!
You need to know who you are and be happy with who you are before you start looking.
I think I'm about there now...
With respect as a single bloke the following words would be seen as clear warning signs.

38 year old female
38 years without a relationship
Not a bean to rub together
I get so insanely jealous
I dont fit in.
To be fair, if I do meet someone these are not exactly the first things I tell them about myself so shouldn't really be an instant put off.

You dont mention your weight, appearance, dress style, hobbies, job, etc which I may get flamed for mentioning but are all attributes we notice about a future life partner.
OK, I'm blonde, slim, dress style is normally jeans but I work with animals and have pets of my own at home, so that's what's practical. I do have other clothes. Hobbies I will mention further down to avoid repetition.

Clearly with most dating websites having a ratio of ten men to every woman (even if they dont advertise this) you must be doing something very wrong.
Probably.

This may sound nasty but you dont need a cuddle you need honesty.
I am sorry if it comes across as mean but the odds are stacked in your favour so there must be more to this than meets the eye.
Honesty is fine, maybe there is more than meets the eye but I can't figure out what it is based on your observations.

Example is first response to your post - where do you live, fancy a drink?
Fourth response - If I was single I would ask you out etc etc.

Its not like men have stopped trying is it?

Angelic wrote: »

You don't sound depressed to me , you just sound like someone who is fed up with waiting for an important part of life to start.
That hits the mark, spot on.

I think you need to be honest and work out exactly what is wrong as 38 is a long time to have avoided at least one relationship. Do you have an inner fear of intimacy?
Maybe? I don't know, having never been in a position to discover this!

Are you sending out no signals at all?
I'm the anxious type with other issues so I know how easy it can be to isolate yourself and come across as not wanting to be with someone.
I think it is important to know what type of man you have gone for in the past and to really examine if you have been going for men who wouldn't be interested.
I simply don't meet people, there is no 'type' of man I have gone for in the past.

Have your friends been honest about how you come across? It's good that they have looked at your profile but men are quite visual so maybe your picture wasn't right? What about body language when you went to the dating event?
I can't answer this, I don't know

I think joining various sites based around a hobby or maybe starting an evening class would be a good next step. Spending time with your family is nice but I know people your age who are single and as there is less choice you really have to be proactive.

SailorSam wrote: »

Hi Trouble, i see from your previous posts that you seem to have a love of animals and are quite knowledgeable, is there some sort of dogs/cats home you could go to help out of a weekend, you could meet people, maybe men with similar interests.

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Sailor Sam - the thing is realistically how many men would the OP meet volunteering at an animal charity?
Exactly what I was about to say.... my last volunteering role was with an animal rehoming centre!

Person_one wrote: »

OP, do you have any hobbies or interests? If you are passionate about something then maybe the best kind of person for you would be passionate about the same thing?
I think I'd be better off developing new hobbies... I used to be quite adventurous and was in the Scouts and Army Cadets when I was younger, however I don't really enjoy that type of activity any more. I've become a lot more 'girly' in my hobbies. I play badminton every week with a club, and I go dog training every week which is mainly women.

Hermia wrote: »

I also know what you mean about having trouble fitting into clubs and groups. When I moved house and had to make new friends I went to so many groups that advertised themselves as 'friendly' and 'wanting new members'. Some were amazing cliquey though. I went to one where the members completely ignored myself and another newbie for three whole hours!
Thank you for understanding!! It's hard to keep trying these things when you have experienced this a few times.

Have you tried getting into some more male-dominated hobbies?
Such as? I can't find anything 'male dominated' that I would enjoy.

The problem with going to evening classes and groups is that they are often very female-dominated.
I know...

I just wonder whether you need to ask someone who isn't a close friend how you come across. Often close friends see through to the person underneath which is obviously not what strangers see.
Gosh that's a hard thing to do. I see what you mean though but not sure about actually asking someone... I mean, who do you ask?

I went to see a counsellor when I was in my teens. I was having trouble making friends as I was incredibly shy and had been badly bullied at junior school. One of the first things she said to me was, "do you realise that you are putting up a massive barrier all the time". She then pointed out that there were things I was doing with my body language and speech that were pushing people off. When I thought about it I realised that she was 100% right, but I would never have worked that out on my own.
Maybe I do. I don't know.

ema_o wrote: »

OP, am wondering if you are overdoing the trying not to come across as desperate and are coming across as disinterested from what you said about speed dating.
I don't know, hadn't thought about that.

Do you know how to flirt (not over the top, but just to let a guy you are interested in him?) If not do you know a friend who does, who you could watch in action or get some tips from.
I only have one single friend who I don't see often... and she's no flirt!!

In my experience you don't need to do much, just ask lots of questions and smile a lot, as long as you are friendly blokes tend to think you are interested (even if you are not).
Thanks, will keep this in mind. Can you get lessons on flirting? It seems odd at my age... and still not solved the problem of how to meet someone to flirt with!!

Other suggestion (this is how I met my OH) is to ask your friends to set you up with someone.
Done the whole 'date a friend's mate' thing... *sigh* it was a night out though I guess! I don't actually have that many friends.... lots of aquantances eg people from badminton or dog training, but not many close friends.

Even if you don't get on you are expanding your social circle (they may have a friend who would like you!) and having a chance to practice your flirting!
That would be nice!

choille wrote: »

If you're any good at cooking have one of those underground dining clubs.
They sound an amazing way of meeting people. If you & a friend could do that together, it's also a way of making some cash.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8285618.stm

Or just find out where some are going on & attend.

I'm not a good cook... OK that's not quite true, I'm not a confident cook!!! And you're assuming I have a friend who would do this with me!

euronorris wrote: »

Hi there!

I noticed that you said you are quite shy, though you work hard to overcome this/not let is show. However, have you asked your friends how confident and happy you come across to others?
If I go on courses etc at work, if it's a few days and we get as far as chatting socially then people are genuinely surprised to find that I am quite shy, because they've not realised it from meeting me.

If you are feeling down and disheartened with the whole dating thing, it can often show (however well you think you may be hiding it) and this can put a guys off. Generally then, it is the shy guys are interested in you, but then too shy to make a move! Catch 22 I know! (I am not saying that this is defnitely what is happening here, just a possibility)
But again, I'm not meeting people!!!

Have you tried asking some of your male friends for their opinion on your confidence, approach, etc?
I don't have any male friends. Honestly, I'm sat here and can't think of any, except mate's husbands who I would not ask personal stuff of, they'd be embarressed!!

And I know, people say stupid things. They are trying to be helpful (mostly - some, I'm sure, just enjoy having a bit of a dig!) and don't realise how they come across.
I know, people don't realise how they come across and they don't know how sensitive I am about it, so I don't dwell. Two of the most hurtful comments though have been (unintentionally) from my two closest friends....


In the end, although I had tried dating websites, singles nights, going out with friends etc etc, I met him through a work colleague.
I'm glad you met someone. I have been in my workplace for 16 years (in 3 different positions) so suspect if I was going to meet anyone that way it would have heppened by now... We're quite a stable team and don't get new people very often.

Now, do any of your friends know any single guys?
If they do then they're keeping them quiet... as said before, I really don't have many friends.

World of Warcraft has generated quite a lot of new couples.
I've never got into computer games - I'm assuming that's what this is?

I wish I had more ideas for you. I'll keep thinking.
Thank you!

ukjoel wrote: »

WARNING WARNING WARNING

World of warcraft is the computer equivalent of crack cocaine.
LOL Thanks for the warning!!! LOL

smartpicture wrote: »

When I went through a phase of trying this, and I didn't have any single friends to go with, I found there was quite an easy solution to that particular problem.

Most of these clubs have a website nowadays (or if not, you'll have the organisers phone number), so you can get in touch with people beforehand. Then just ask someone if they'd mind meeting you outside the venue so you don't have to go in on your own. No-one ever said no to me, and I joined a few of these clubs that way.
If you find a club too cliquey (my rule was always to give it a least 2 chances before deciding that), either move onto another one, or wait 3 months and try that one again - the people going tend to change quite frequently, so don't give up too easily.
Good advice, thank you.

The club I found the best was IVC, which isn't really a singles club but more about organising activities for anyone who wants a more active social life and to meet more people. Eventually you'll find a group you click with - and hopefully that will lead to what you really want.
I looked into my local IVC (Inter Varsity Club for the next poster, although it's an old name that doesn't mean much any more) but my local one mostly just went bowling which I can't do due to having had surgery on my wrists some years ago, or all day long walks which I can't do, because they involved going to pubs which meant no dogs. Although I love walking I'm not going to spends all day walking, and then go home and take my dogs out for a couple of hours!! I stayed on the mailing list for a while but still had the 'not wanting to go alone' thing.

PasturesNew wrote: »

Start a local-based "single, professionals club for those aged 30-60 who want to do stuff without there being a hint of romance". So, an activities based one. As you're running it, you get to meet everybody and be "the head", which should do away with your shyness.

The people can meet/chat online - with maybe a fortnightly pub night to get together. To be a member they should agree to arrange a minimum of one event per year, which must cost under £5 to participate (they can organise more/dearer ones, but they must organise a cheap one).

Typical events could be: pub night, meet up at an existing pub on its quiz nights, walks, cinema nights on cheap nights, all you can eat buffet meals, organising a barbecue at a local park in the summer, some people might want to have a birthday party at their house.

That way you're generating your own group of like-minded people, with an eye on the pennies - and starting it all online means you can do it without spending a penny.
Sorry if this sounds thick, but how would I get this going? I mean, it would need advertising surely? I'm not great on a computer, I can manage forums etc but making a website is not something I've ever tried. I'm not being negative, I think it's a good idea but just not sure where I'd start!

roger196 wrote: »

If you want to meet men, try a plumbing or brick-laying course. Does wonders for your level of fitness ( try bending two inch steel pipe) and diy skills. Other possibilities are a car club, check which ones will allow you to join without that particular make but just an interest in/ hoping to buy. Join a political party, if you are amoral join all three. Religous groups usually welcome potential recruits. Just some thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughts! I will give them due consideration (except for the religion one... I'm not religious and can't do hypocrisy!)

Sorry for the worlds longest post, but I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. I hope I don't come across as negative, but from reading it all back I personally think that for me, it's about actually meeting people rather than whether or not I put them off or come across wrongly. I just don't meet people in order to know how I come across!! I've been in my same workplace for 16 years, with the same dog club for 14 years and although badminton is relatively new (only 3 years) I didn't have the shyness as my Uncle, Cousin and Sis-In-Law were already members and I'd met some of the others before.

Lots of good ideas though for me to think about, thank you all.

There_Goes_Trouble

Emmzi wrote: »

meetup.com, see what is in your area? I like board games clubs and they are very bloke-heavy. shy is ok cos its about the game, not you.

Thanks for the link! It looks interesting..!!

Ladyhawk

I have just googled IVC and.... WOW!!! that is exactly the type of thing that I have been looking for. How did I never know about this before? Anyway I have applied to join and am soooooooo excited about it. *bounce, bounce, bounce*