How to meet people without spending too much money.

There_Goes_Trouble

I’m just turned 38 years old (female), and have yet to have a relationship with a man. I had a few missed opportunities in the dim and distant past and I have had a couple of dates over the years, but no more than that. I don’t know why men don’t seem to be attracted to me, they just don’t. I know I’m no supermodel, but plenty of ordinary looking people find partners and I would class myself as ordinary I think. I know that a big part of my problem is that I no longer seem to meet guys, trouble is, although I know the only way to meet people is to get out there and join in with things, It’s so hard to find things that don’t cost too much and the truth of it is I’m just too tired of it all, and broke. Joining clubs and groups invariably incurs a cost and right now I don’t have a single bean to spare. I’m also tired of joining new things in the hope of meeting new people, and finding that everyone knows everyone and I feel like an outsider, or they’re all married, or they’re all 20 years older than me.... etc etc. I’ve spent the last 20 years or so doing that and I just don’t think I can keep on doing it. I’ve never been very good at ‘fitting in’. I also really don’t like going to things by myself and I have no single friends to go with. I could do voluntary work, but I have been doing that until recently (when the charity I was helping with moved to a new area) and right now I don’t really want to make another time consuming commitment as I am enjoying having the time to spend with my family. I did look into doing some conservation work which I would enjoy but round here, it seems to be aimed at the unemployed, and the groups meet during the week/daytime when I am at work.

I have got a house, I have a job which I enjoy and I have a loving and supportive family, but I can’t help wanting a family of my own. Living alone is incredibly lonely and although I know my family love me, I just want to experience being with someone who chooses to love me; I want to be special to someone and for them to be special to me. Am I asking too much? Sometimes when we all get together for a family occasion I just feel so alone, my brother and sister are both married with children, my parents have a happy and loving marriage.... and then there’s me, alone. Sometimes I don’t go to family gatherings because as much as I love them all, I can’t cope being surrounded by so many people who have all got what I want. Even my 17 yr old niece has got a boyfriend (been together 2 yrs now!).

I try to be happy with what I have got. I know how lucky I am and I do appreciate it all. Just sometimes though, I get so insanely jealous of all my friends, especially when they complain about their partners. I find that very hard to listen to when I would literally cut my arm off for half of what they have got. The worst is when they say “men - you’re better off without one!!”..... do people seriously not realise how hurtful that comment is?

I have tried dating websites, but guys don’t tend to contact me and if I do pluck up courage to send a message to someone they generally don’t reply. I think I have a decent profile, I have asked trusted friends (who I know will be honest) to check it for me. I went speed dating once with a friend; Out of 25 men none of them asked for my details (my friend got 5 requests for contact). The ones I asked for contact with never came back to me. People tell me I'm a nice person; I try to be a nice person.

I try really hard not to come across as desperate, and I don’t think I do come across that way because I am really very shy although I’ve learned to hide/overcome it. I’ve done the whole ‘when you stop looking, you’ll find someone’ thing, after about 5 years of ‘not looking’ I decided on a change of tack and started joining clubs/websites etc.

I know that I really need to be meeting people but I don’t know where to start now, I feel as if I’ve exhausted all the methods of meeting people and am starting to think I need to accept that this is the way things are, and to try and get on with my life as it is instead of constantly wanting more. Maybe it just isn’t going to happen for me.

I’m not even sure what I’m asking you guys to say... I really need some constructive advice on how to meet people given that I feel I’ve tried everything and got nowhere, and after 20-odd years of trying, I am wondering if I’m just destined to be single. Where do I go from here? Please bear in mind that I don't have much money to spend, and as much as I'd love to I just won't have the courage to go to those 'singles' clubs or similar by myself.

Anyway, just read all of that back and would like to add that I am not depressed or suicidal!! Even though I might have come across that way!! I’m just feeling sad today and think I need a bit of perspective.

woody01

Where are you from?
If its near, i will take you out for a drink

Fire_Fox

You do sound a little depressed, but don't forget depression can be mild, moderate or severe. Mild depression can be quite difficult to identify people aren't breaking down, they might have symptoms such as loss of enjoyment or interest, tiredness or tired of making an effort, feelings of negativity or uselessness.

The thing a lot of people don't understand about depression is you don't just feel low for no reason, your life is usually not going how you'd like and you have genuine reasons to feel stressed or negative or like it's all too much like hard work. Depression thinks in a certain way, it's quite logical but it always sees the most negative outcome as the most likely one. Trust me I have been there.

Really your feelings need addressing before you can go further, as you say you often don't feel you fit in and don't like doing things alone - honest to God, few people do! Could you maybe join a Walking for Health group or Green Gym? AFAIK these are free and might help lift your mood. Alternatively you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling or exercise on prescription or even medication to see if any of these will help.

Voluntary work doesn't have to be time consuming, I am a founder member of a residents group which only meet once a month but we always go to the pub afterwards :beer:. Bottle of wine is in the pub is £6 so providing I don't get hammered it can be a cheap fun night. I've had three of the single blokes express an interest, and have made other friends too!

Also met some cool thirty-somethings at a Transition Towns social gathering - the local group hold meetings once a month but several work allotments together in between. Basically these sort of groups are as much or as little time as you want to invest. :T
http://transitiontowns.org/TransitionNetwork/TransitionInitiative

Why don't you pop over to the 'Single and in Debt' thread on the DFW diaries board? You don't need to have any proper debt, a mortgage will qualify! This book has loads of ideas on how to find free stuff to do, get it out of the library:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Lived-Year-Just-Pound/dp/1906593124/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263783554&sr=8-1
If you have a house then do you have a spare room? Take in a lodger for some tax-free income.

Kazipoo

Have you considered perhaps becoming a penpal? I know its old-fashioned to write these days, but it surely would help with the shyness aspect? I met my husband in this way, and we have been married 16 years now.

Ladyhawk

Hi TheregoesTrouble,

I know the feeling, and I had had all the same "helpful advice" that you've had, and yes it hurts. I'm a couple years younger than you but have the same sadness about relationships, especially when people say "why are you single? you're lovely!". Last time someone asked me that it was my father's oldest friend and my reply was " I am waiting for a rich man, with a 9" ****"... embarressing but at least it put an end to that conversation!

I will be following this thread with interest, hoping that the helpful MSE-ers will come up with some really great ideas.

Lotus-eater

You do sound down, but I don't think it's depression.

Unfortunately I find many single guys out looking have unrealistic wants lists, many women also.
You don't sound like you are trying too hard, nor that you are trying to be something that you are not.

If I was single, I'd be asking you out, like woody is.

I don't know tbh, you sound intelligent, caring, happy and full of life. Lots of people are shy, I wouldn't hold that against you in the slightest.

The only thing I would say, not advise, but say (and I'm probably going to get flak from women for this), is that available women tend to dress one way and taken women another way. It's well known that men like women to dress a bit more nicely and that attracts men. Maybe even a slight change in the way you dress would make a difference, I'm not telling you to dress like a sl*t.

Try different web dating sites, maybe you haven't found the right one for you.

ukjoel

Dont take this personally - Actually forget that you should take this personally as its about you.

As yourself what football team you are.
I dont mean what team you support but if lets say a Hugh Grant when single was a man utd and Frank Gallagher (from shameless) was a No league Eastleigh then where would you be.

This works for women as well as men.
Be honest and ask your friends.

Then try and find a partner in the same division. Be that premiership or Hampshire pub league.

You need to know who you are and be happy with who you are before you start looking.

With respect as a single bloke the following words would be seen as clear warning signs.

38 year old female
38 years without a relationship
Not a bean to rub together
I get so insanely jealous
I dont fit in.

You dont mention your weight, appearance, dress style, hobbies, job, etc which I may get flamed for mentioning but are all attributes we notice about a future life partner.

Clearly with most dating websites having a ratio of ten men to every woman (even if they dont advertise this) you must be doing something very wrong.

This may sound nasty but you dont need a cuddle you need honesty.
I am sorry if it comes across as mean but the odds are stacked in your favour so there must be more to this than meets the eye.

Example is first response to your post - where do you live, fancy a drink?
Fourth response - If I was single I would ask you out etc etc.

Its not like men have stopped trying is it?

SailorSam

Hi Trouble, i see from your previous posts that you seem to have a love of animals and are quite knowledgeable, is there some sort of dogs/cats home you could go to help out of a weekend, you could meet people, maybe men with similar interests.

patchwork_cat

Sailor Sam - the thing is realistically how many men would the OP meet volunteering at an animal charity?

Person_one

OP, do you have any hobbies or interests? If you are passionate about something then maybe the best kind of person for you would be passionate about the same thing? There are plenty of relationships where the partners seem mismatched in terms of age, location, attractiveness, income, religion etc but share an overwhelming love of origami or skydiving or world of warcraft and that's what brings them together.

Hermia

I think a lot of people understand how you feel. I have some amazing, beautiful friends in their 30s and 40s who are single and cannot find a man interested in commitment. I also know what you mean about having trouble fitting into clubs and groups. When I moved house and had to make new friends I went to so many groups that advertised themselves as 'friendly' and 'wanting new members'. Some were amazing cliquey though. I went to one where the members completely ignored myself and another newbie for three whole hours!

Have you tried getting into some more male-dominated hobbies? The problem with going to evening classes and groups is that they are often very female-dominated. I have really got into science in the last few years and have suddenly discovered all these science-related social groups that are full of men who are more than happy to see some women turn up!

I just wonder whether you need to ask someone who isn't a close friend how you come across. Often close friends see through to the person underneath which is obviously not what strangers see. I went to see a counsellor when I was in my teens. I was having trouble making friends as I was incredibly shy and had been badly bullied at junior school. One of the first things she said to me was, "do you realise that you are putting up a massive barrier all the time". She then pointed out that there were things I was doing with my body language and speech that were pushing people off. When I thought about it I realised that she was 100% right, but I would never have worked that out on my own.