Husband in debt

ninky_2

my advice would be to stand firm. try to have as little contact with him as possible. be confident in your decision. he is obviously stalling because he wants to get the best for himself out of the situation. he no doubt realises that once you leave he can't take advantage of you anymore. this man has done nothing to persuade you that he loves you and all his little remarks are just to undermine you.

you are worth so much more than that. it is not going to be easy seperating your life from him. just be clear on what you want. repeat as many times as necessary. and get a solicitor.

paddy's_mum

Of course he's sniping at you. Did you really expect anything else?

You're the enemy now. You've put him in a position where he can no longer hide from the results of his own stupidity. He's likely to lose face when the truth comes out especially as he can't blame/slander you without risking you retaliating by revealing what really went on. You have become dangerous, can you not see that?

You know that crack about not liking his family? That's so he can make you out to be the villain when he tells them "well, I only recently found out that she has always loathed you all and told our friends all sorts of lies about youl" - classic red herring to keep family taking his side of it although I have to say that it sounds as though they haven't the wit to stand up and deny or defy him, in any case. Add to these unpalatable facts that he can't rely on you any longer to keep food in his belly while he pays back what he owes and it's no wonder really. You've stopped being a pliant woman - you've said no and he isn't used to that.

In short, he's in deep manure and in his blinkered thinking, you've just taken away the safety net that he was so sure of - what a terrible wife you are!

I have to agree with floss2 when she suggests that you might want to consider going for more as a ruse to force your husband to stop farting about. Perhaps you could say, quietly, simply, sincerely "look - we can do this one of two ways. We either co-operate and things get done with the least damage and upset or we do it the hard way. The hard way will involve my solicitor pursuing a claim for every last halfpenny and asking a lot of questions that I'm sure you'd rather not answer nor provide evidence for. You choose."

I know it's terribly difficult but in your shoes, I'd be girding my loins against spiteful cracks like the one about you going out on the pull. I would have rehearsed till it rolled effortlessly off my tongue - "yup, quite right".

"You hate my family!" "Yup, quite right"
"You're being over sensitive, you silly cow" "Yup, quite right"
"You're only doing this to punish me for getting in debt" "Yup, quite right".

There is no satisfaction for him in throwing darts that just bounce off. All those jibes that miss their mark do nothing more than highlight how much power he has lost... and make no mistake, this is a man who likes to be in control - the refusal to listen is evidence of that, isn't it?

It's not our place to question your decision to not yet divorce but I wonder if you might not be wiser to do so simply on the basis that you get all the pain out of the way in one go, as it were, rather than calm down over this part and then have to start it up all over again further down the line.

On a practical level, pop along to your local library, take out a dozen curl-up-by-the-fire-and-lose-yourself good books and shut out as much of his petulant behaviour and the unhappy home atmosphere as you can possibly manage. Go visit your loyal Mum two nights a week and cook and share a meal together.

And, to answer the question "am I being too sensitive"? Yes, you are if your numbskull husband thinks that to be losing everything you hold precious is on the same emotional and everyday level as having to replace a worn-out washing machine! :rotfl:

If you're being too sensitive, I'm Boadicea! Keep your chin up - it will get better, I promise.

belfastgirl23

I think he's finally realising that you actually mean this. It's sinking in that he isn't just going to be able to keep going as he has been. Sniping is probably the least you can expect in this situation. My guess is that he thought if he kept his head down you would just back off in the end, but you clearly aren't doing that.

I agree with paddysmums nice guy/nasty guy threat. You need to point out to him that you are being the nice guy now but that this offer isn't on the table forever. Set a date and stick to it.

I also agree you should start getting your side of the story out there. If you care for him at all it's important to make sure that his family are aware of the problems. whether they choose to do anything about it is up to them.

As for the cracks, don't waste any energy on them, you know it's not about you at all, just ignore and he'll eventually get fed up.

But very well done on getting this far, you're amazing!

BitterAndTwisted

Please get a solicitor immediately and insist that any discussions or negotiations about your separation go through them. This will almost certainly concentrate his mind and reinforce that you are indeed going to go through with this. Please do not underestimate the worth of his pension/s! This is a huge bargaining chip for you and it seems to me that it/they are probably they only asset of his left once your own equity in the house is extricated.

Please seriously consider going through with the formal divorce at the same time as the separation. This will remove most opportunities for your husband to cause further hurt and anxiety to you in the longer-term and should make him face up to the seriousness of the situation. I wouldn't want a long, drawn-out fight I'd want a clean and permanent break so I could get on with my life

hulagirl79

Thanks everyone
Paddy's mum - thank you so much for the response you did make me smile.
The only reason i didnt want to get divorced [apart from the finacial aspect] is that i was trying to keep this as calm and relaxed till i get my share of the house.
I told him on tuesday that he has until friday evening to sort out his finances and start the ball rolling on taking me off the mortgage if not I told him that my solictor has advised me to go for half the equity in the house when it is sold, half his pension and i will then divorce him as i have grounds too [just incase he really was not aware lol]
So he is aware of what i will do if he digs his heels in.
I have been spending time down the gym or with my mum and have not seen him since tuesday eve.
I have now told 5 close friends the basic facts of what is going on, so people are aware of the facts and if his family talk to me and have any problems i will have no problem setting them straight.
I am still in touch with my solictor he is a friend of a friend so not charging me much at the moment. which is very handy.
As for the snide coments, i was naively hoping we could be grown ups during this and i am trying to ignore them and for the most part i do but after spending the day with 3 children who can bicker for england i want to come home to some peace. lol

I will see what happens on friday and stick to my plan if he has done/says nothing.
Thank you so much for all your support it really is appricated
xx

salesaddict

HI Hulagirl,

just checking up on you and hoping you are getting on alright with things.
Wishing you all the best.

xx

pinkshoes

Hi Hulagirl,

Regarding him buying you out, I guess his salary is about £46.5k (if he takes home £2800).

On his own, he'd be able to get a mortgage for around 3.5x his salary (so about £163k), but then I'm quite sure they'd deduct his loans, meaning he can borrow a maximum of around £133k.

What's your house worth?

He'd then need at least a 10% deposit, maybe even 25% if his credit rating is bad, plus money to buy you out.

Is this going to be possible? He MUST speak to a mortgage advisor, as he might already know he can't buy you out, and is just stalling.

As he also paid the initial £10k deposit on the house, he might argue that he won't split it 50/50. You need to be prepared to accept or fight this.

Ultimately, it's just money, and happiness is far more important.

Radiantsoul

Good luck with getting rid of him.
I think there is something more than a mere addiction to Tesco going on with him and I hope for his sake he addresses it. But I agree with everyone you should get legal advice, get a divorce and move on.
I would also say that you might want to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases...

hulagirl79

Hi everyone.

I just thought i would do a quick update.
Well everything has gone through, the house is now in his name, he has paid me the money that we agreed on and i have just moved into a little rented flat.
The flat is lovely and i feel so relaxed and unstressed now.
I have even been asked out on a date!!!!
I am pleased that we have managed to do this as civily as possible up to this point, the only thing left to do is divorce which will happen in a few months time.

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice over the last few months, it really helped.
xx

ninky_2

thanks for the update. glad to hear you've managed to make a positive outcome for yourself.