I want to leave my OH but he owes me money

curlygirl1971

Don't mean to tell you something you might already know but make sure you know what you are responsible for in terms of rent until the end of any contract period you are tied into. If you've got a few months to go and he fails to pay then you could be liable.

Take meter readings and inform your utilities

Aruna

curlygirl1971 wrote: »

Sounds just like my sis' Ex.!...and I've been out with someone like that too although money wasn't involved to such a degree. I think most of us have been in relationships with users at some point - and if we haven't then its just down to luck. I couldn't believe some of the bullying my sister had been subjected to - it was very clever and subtle and am just so glad that despite her confidence being stripped away she still had the presence of mind to tell us and walk away. My sis's Ex feigned a very convincing break-down and threatened suicide when she told him she wanted out. Within 8 weeks he was with someone else. I'm not encouraging you to be heartless - but don't waste sentiment and morality on such a big user.

I think you know what you need to do in your own heart - you go for it. Look after no.1 because that is exactly what he is doing and will always do...nothing will change him. Imagine what your life would be in 10 years time or if you had children with him (Don't know your age). It would be like now.....only much worse.

Fight tooth and nail for what you want - even if what you want is to just walk away without a backward glance.

Let us know how you get on.

I think i was in denial for a very long time, he is so financially irresponsible, been with him since 1995 and i'm 34. Even now, the thought of leaving is scaring the hell out of me. He's all I've ever known and i'm actually scared of getting into a relationship again. What I've written here is just a tip of the iceberg, a lot went on, which, if I look back I ask myself "why did Iput up with all that"? I believe I'm gonna be alright, because I tried my hardest to make things work.

Aruna

curlygirl1971 wrote: »

Don't mean to tell you something you might already know but make sure you know what you are responsible for in terms of rent until the end of any contract period you are tied into. If you've got a few months to go and he fails to pay then you could be liable.

Take meter readings and inform your utilities

Thanks, tenancy is renewed every 6 months, so i'll be free to leave end of march. I don't plan to tell him because I know he will try and manipulate me into staying with all the "i'm sorry i know i did you wrong bla bla lets make this work" crap which i've heard too many times over the years.

fizzytrinket

you need a plan aruna

Aruna

Claire_Bear wrote: »

Good for you He sounds like a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a man

parasite is his middle name

Aruna

fizzytrinket wrote: »

you need a plan aruna

any ideas fizz?:D

ailuro2

Taking copies of all the bank statements,passports etc, pictures of things you have bought for the house, keep it all online or somewhere that he can't see it.

confide in someone you trust that you know won't say anything and get your mail redirected there.

Tell him you're saving up for a better car / big present for his birthday . whatever it takes to keep all your money without him knowing it's for an escape plan.

Find yourself somewhere else to live, go in and talk to the landlord and explain the situation - leave a week before the tenancy is due to be renewed, that will give him time to disappear when he realises he will be responsible. Kame sure you move your goods out the day before this happens, he may take everything with him.;)

Good Luck - I have stayed on in a flat after the relationship was over, and it's not an easy thing to do.

flossyblog

hello aruna,

Start sorting out the house, tell him you're decluttering if he asks

Get all your paperwork sorted out. tell him you are budgeting as you have no money left.

change all pin numbers known to him

Are there any bills that are outstanding.

Are there any expenses he has occurred that you are liable for in the future

Do you have a deposit to come back from the landlord

Where will you go when it's over.

As you will be starting a new life, what do you want to take with you.

Have a big declutter. go through everything and think about what you want to keep. Sell anything you don't want.

A plan for you. What do you want for yourself.

I would make a list of things I want to do and then think about how I could make it happen.
It's a good idea to keep yourself occupied, Get yourself fit by going walking. see if there is a local group in your area.
Is there a project you're interested in, if not, start one yourself.
http://www.getwalking.org/

Is there anything new you could challenge yourself with, ie, learn a new language, run a marathon, get a better paid job, etc. You should avoid sitting around, feeling depressed or frightened. Better to spend your energy on experiences that are good for you rather than fruitless.

Lastly do not rush into a new relationship. find out who you are first. Ask yourself why you let someone take advantage of you for such a long time. We tend to go for the same personality type, We are creatures of habit. When you do meet someone you are interested in, pay attention to their interactions with others, their relationships with friends, family etc.

all the best for the future

springclean

Well done Aruna,

the action plans given are sensible ones, but if i can add anything, i would say that at any point if things aren't safe or right, leave immediately. if you have to pay the rent up to March anyway, then do it, and add it to the tally you are preparing to lose to break free.

i know the feeling you have about leaving. when i left XH i was 32 and had 2 kids under 9. i had absolutely no money, as i was a good money manager and he wasn't. i had nothing so that he could have what he wanted. i also ran his business so when we split i lost my job (although my wages were my housekeeping money, so not like i lost much!)

i felt as if i was in the pitch black on a cliff, and if i took a step forward i would fall. it took a lot of courage but eventually i made the step and was amazed to find solid ground beneath me. from then on i ran! a decade on i wave down from my vantage point to where he still is (waving with only a couple of fingers :rotfl:).

keep us posted and have a great life.

Pepzofio

Aruna wrote: »

Thanks, tenancy is renewed every 6 months, so i'll be free to leave end of march. I don't plan to tell him because I know he will try and manipulate me into staying with all the "i'm sorry i know i did you wrong bla bla lets make this work" crap which i've heard too many times over the years.

Bear in mind that although you renew every six months, this does not mean that the tenancy will necessarily stop at the end of a six month period. What you are doing is simply entering into another 'fixed term' - i.e. both you & LL are tied into a further six months, but there is no actual need to do this as the tenancy would continue on a periodic basis automatically anyway (i.e. a rolling contract where you would need to give 1 month's notice to leave & LL would have to give 2).

Assuming it is a joint tenancy, if you move out at the end of the six months and your OH stays on at the property without signing a renewal, you will still be liable for all costs associated with the property. You are also unlikely to get any of the deposit back until OH leaves as well. I'm assuming you don't sign a brand new tenancy every six months, but an extension (normally just 1 or 2 sheets of paper stating that the tenancy is continuing on the same terms for a further six months)?

I believe (although I could be wrong) that either tenant can end a joint tenancy, i.e. it doesn't necessarily need both signatures on the notice, but even if you inform the LL that you want to end the tenancy at the end of March, if OH refuses to leave & LL is forced to take action to remove him, again you will more than likely be joint & severally liable for the cost of this. I'm not sure whether one tenant can sign a renewal on behalf of the other - my gut feeling is no, but it doesn't really matter as even if the renewal was invalid you would still have a periodic tenancy in place.

Ideally what needs to happen is for the joint tenancy to formally end and OH to move out or sign a new sole tenancy with LL (if he is willing to grant him one that is). From what you have said, it does not sound like he (OH) is going to be particularly co-operative, so as someone else has said, you really need to explain the situation to the LL and hope that s/he is sympathetic. I would also suggest getting down to CAB for some advice, and/or posting on the residential lettings forum at www.landlordzone.com/forums - they are really helpful over there and really know their stuff.

Sorry to sound so doom and gloom about it, but I really think you need to make sure you've covered yourself - you're already £1,600 down, you don't want him to cost you even more money after you've split up...