I want to leave my OH but he owes me money

jessybee

Woah, I too have recently gone through this.. my ex skanked over £600 off me (to me it was alot because I only have a part time job) - He was a closet drug addict and lied to me that he needed money for different things like "college supplies" but really he was gonna buy a bag of coke or weed.. and yes like your partner too hes acted just like him with the pathetic sulking when you refuse to give him any money, but when you do he was all kissy and cuddley..

I was distraught at first but then I realised - This scumbag doesnt care about me, and I know see it as a lesson bought, and Im far better off. Just think of the freedom and happiness you will gain when you leave his sorry a$$, also you can make the cash back no problem, and him? -he will live off other women's money for the rest of his life probably.. what a guy eh? :rotfl:

Aruna

curlygirl1971 wrote: »

I can't advise you because each individual circumstance is different and each person handles things differently; but I can tell you about the situation my sister was in last year and perhaps this would be useful information for you.

She lived with a clever manipulative leech who thought he had a right to whatever he wanted and didn't see why he couldn't buy things if he didn't have the money. He also didn't see a problem with having debt and just paying back the minimum - despite the fact he had a good income and assets.

They'd used some of her savings to pay off one of his debts on the understanding he would pay her back instead and thus saving 'them' the cost of interest. He made regular payments to her that were roughly the same amount the minimum payments had been on the debt. He paid her mainly in cash and she issued no receipt but the amounts could be seen as withdrawn by him and then deposited by her.

The relationship disintergrated in part due to his attitude to money but there were other factors related to the way he wanted to live his life and also his bullying manner. She decided to leave him but wanted to get the money back first and started trying to get him to pay more off (as had previously been agreed), arguments started and went on over a period of time cumulating in him chucking her out at around 3am one night. She then tried to contact him by phone and letter to discuss the loan with him on a number of occasions. He ignored her at first and then she received a solicitor letter in which they maintained the money had been a payment to him for things he'd bought to benefit them both.

It was a large sum of money to my sister and there was also an element of not wanting him to 'win'. She decided to take him to the small claim court and it went to a hearing. She was able to demonstrate that the money had changed hands, that he had made payments to her, and that they had also discussed the matter over email over a period of time. He tried to show that the money had been a contribution to the costs he'd incurred (she also demonstrated that she had already contributed to bills etc). The rules of burden of evidence do not apply in the small claim court. The judge looked at probabilities and looking at the paperwork my sister had provided, decided that my sisters case was more likely and that her ex hadn't been able to provide a more probable story.

At the end of about 3 hours spent both in the hearing and waiting, my sister was given the judgement. We knew that her Ex wanted to avoid a CCJ at all costs and therefore before the 28 days were up he'd sold an asset and paid her in full. So it was a great result and a huge relief.

However would I ever advise my sister to go through the same again knowing what we know now? It was 8 months of stress, worrying, raking over the past, hard work preparing the case, a gut churning day in court and it could have all ended so differently.

Will £1600 back in your pocket make your life so much happier? The very best of luck in whatever you decide to do and remember that what goes around comes around.

EDIT: Just wanted to say - that

1) he was always pushing her for more and he was clever in the way he did it. She has no doubt now that she is out of it that he would have dragged her down further

2) If you have a joint account and you decide to leave you need to sort that out as a priority as any overdraft on it he uses - you are responsible for repaying.

3) Be careful if recording conversations or 'luring' him in to say things over email - if the judge thinks this has gone on he won't look favourably on what you have done - this was made quite clear in my sisters case

Curly girl a lot of what you've said describe my oh, for instance if i say no, he will say things to make me feel bad, for example he will say i'm uncaring and unsupportive. On all occassions i've given it to him just for the sake of peace in the home. He will be in my face asking me over and over again with the catch phrase "I'll pay you back all your monies" until i feel drained and just give in. Half the times i'm scared to ask him to pay something each month because of his reaction. right now you can cut the atmosphere in the home with a knife!!

Problems started when i decided i no longer wanted a joint account with him - because my salary went into the joint account and his salary went into his own account, i guess you know what he was doing that made me pull out of the joint account. He took this so so badly and sulked for a long time.

He sometimes brags about how credit card companies and lenders are dumb by just offering loans and credit cards to him, which he will default, then ignore letters from debt collectors until they get fed up of writing to him. (I think its UGLY for a man to brag about something like this) and that's why i'm leaving him)

Aruna

maggied wrote: »

Aruna - I had this with my XH - without going into the whole tale the final straw for me was when he borrowed my CC for petrol and took out a few hundred pounds on it. When I confronted him about it he said I was lucky he hadn't taken more!

I realised at that stage that if we stayed together I was always going to be on the bones of my ar*e. After we split up I had a few skint months but eventually paid off he debt we'd run up together and am now in a strong financial position which I would NEVER have been able to achieve if we'd stayed together.

£1600 is a small price to pay to be away from someone who avoids physical contact because you won't give him money. Honestly, you can make up that shortfall very quickly without someone leeching from you.

Good luck - ending a relationship is never easy but don't let this relatively small debt bind you to him - let it go - the feeling of release will be worth it

It is the most demeaning thing to go through, there's no conversation and he's just keeping to himself. Its now 7 days with no conversation, (he is unaffectionate anyway) unless if I've just handed him a debit or credit card, then I'll get a goodbye kiss and cuddle on his way out the the cash machine and that will be it untl next time.

Maz

Girl, run like HELL !!

Aruna

jessybee wrote: »

Woah, I too have recently gone through this.. my ex skanked over £600 off me (to me it was alot because I only have a part time job) - He was a closet drug addict and lied to me that he needed money for different things like "college supplies" but really he was gonna buy a bag of coke or weed.. and yes like your partner too hes acted just like him with the pathetic sulking when you refuse to give him any money, but when you do he was all kissy and cuddley..

I was distraught at first but then I realised - This scumbag doesnt care about me, and I know see it as a lesson bought, and Im far better off. Just think of the freedom and happiness you will gain when you leave his sorry a$$, also you can make the cash back no problem, and him? -he will live off other women's money for the rest of his life probably.. what a guy eh? :rotfl:

Thanks girl, ima do just what everyone says - leave, with he amount of debt he's prolly in, he'll be living in a football pitch with no furniture for a while:D

Aruna

Maz wrote: »

Girl, run like HELL !!

after reading everyone's post i think i can safely say

!'m ready to run

Aruna

pinkshoes wrote: »

£1600 is nothing to pay for happiness.

Do you own the house you live in?

If not, then I would secretly arrange somewhere else to live, and a delivery van, then whilst he's at work, move out, taking everything you feel you should take i.e. if he has some items of value, take them and flog them. Empty the house if you feel it reasonable.

No we rent. (fortunately)

Aruna

Thanks everyone for your posts and I wish you all a happy and stress free new year.

xx Aruna

Claire_Bear

Good for you He sounds like a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a man

curlygirl1971

Sounds just like my sis' Ex.!...and I've been out with someone like that too although money wasn't involved to such a degree. I think most of us have been in relationships with users at some point - and if we haven't then its just down to luck. I couldn't believe some of the bullying my sister had been subjected to - it was very clever and subtle and am just so glad that despite her confidence being stripped away she still had the presence of mind to tell us and walk away. My sis's Ex feigned a very convincing break-down and threatened suicide when she told him she wanted out. Within 8 weeks he was with someone else. I'm not encouraging you to be heartless - but don't waste sentiment and morality on such a big user.

I think you know what you need to do in your own heart - you go for it. Look after no.1 because that is exactly what he is doing and will always do...nothing will change him. Imagine what your life would be in 10 years time or if you had children with him (Don't know your age). It would be like now.....only much worse.

Fight tooth and nail for what you want - even if what you want is to just walk away without a backward glance.

Let us know how you get on.