Head in a muddle!

worriedsik

Hiya needsomehelp

You have made a good decision to not drink ...well done x
that will be the first step to see what will happen now that you wont need a drink to be intimate with him & i hope you have told him you wont be drinking anymore so the intimacy will require more effort.
Only you know him but sometimes passive aggression can be difficult to spot as like you say he is a caring dad , good provider etc but there is obviously something wrong.
If he is telling you he loves you then you should be able to discuss this with him and i think you should & tell him how you feel etc.
I also think you need to build some self esteem and do something for yourself ie a hobby or college ? to get back your confidence .
You haven't made him like this please stop blaming yourself that is a classic statement from woman who are abused x

belfastgirl23

You see I'm not quite so quick to jump straight to abuse on this one. Yes I do agree that what he's doing is totally wrong but if you haven't objected and 'appear' to be enjoying yourself then in one way it's a more muddled picture than abuser/abusee. I don't exactly agree that the relationship can't be salvaged. I think the 'teller' will be how he responds when you say you don't want to drink. It's entirely possible that he will be a little relieved in one way, that he knows in his heart that this isn't at all an appropriate way to treat your wife, and he'll be sort of grateful you've put your foot down. But I think if he is very negative about it, then that sort of suggests that the others posting are right.

A lot of the other things you talk about are definitely unpleasant - not wanting you to work etc - but not totally outside the norm for relationships.

I really think you're both in quite a muddle and that alas you are currently somehow bringing out the worst in each other. I'd suggest you need professional help to see whether the relationship can be salvaged.

If he is otherwise a decent person as you describe then I for one couldn't blame you for wanting to see whether there is anything there to salvage. I often think we hear the worst of relationships when someone posts here - partly because they feel the need to pour out all the bad stuff they haven't talked to anyone about. But relationships are complex and this might be only a small element of how people are together.

I know some of you will be uncomfortable with this post and I know that also some people have had very problematic and difficult relationships and are really trying to help other people going through this. We all invariably bring our own experience to bear.

But OP you have to figure out yourself what you think and where the balance is tipped. I always think you have a little voice inside you telling you the right thing to do if you listen hard for it. What is your little voice saying??

mummy_Jay

I'm glad you feel he wont hurt your kids, but isn't seeing you treat like this abusing them mentally. You don't know what they see and hear when your out of it. It's just not a healthy enviroment for them to grow up it and as they get bigger they will become more and more aware of it, it will effect them even if nothing actually happen to them.

What you are saying is a perfect description of how manipulators work, and they seem to enjoy taking down strong women all the more. The chipping at you, little by little knocking you, separating you from everyone else, flirting with other women infront of you so your more incline to do what they want, pushing you into to things you don't want to do cos they make you feel like you need them so much you can't risk losing them, degraing you, until your barely a shadow of your former self and completely under there control.

I'm not surprised he makes sure you do all the punishing of the kids it will make them like him more and it easier for him to manipulate them to his way of thinking.

NeedSomeHelp_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You see I'm not quite so quick to jump straight to abuse on this one. Yes I do agree that what he's doing is totally wrong but if you haven't objected and appear to be enjoying yourself then in one way it's a more muddled picture than abuser/abusee. I don't exactly agree that the relationship can't be salvaged. I think the 'teller' will be how he responds when you say you don't want to drink. It's entirely possible that he will be a little relieved in one way, that he knows in his heart that this isn't at all an appropriate way to treat your wife, and he'll be sort of grateful you've put your foot down. But I think if he is very negative about it, then that sort of suggests that the others posting are right.

A lot of the other things you talk about are definitely unpleasant - not wanting you to work etc - but not totally outside the norm for relationships.

I really think you're both in quite a muddle and that alas you are currently somehow bringing out the worst in each other. I'd suggest you need professional help to see whether the relationship can be salvaged.

If he is otherwise a decent person as you describe then I for one couldn't blame you for wanting to see whether there is anything there to salvage. I often think we hear the worst of relationships when someone posts here - partly because they feel the need to pour out all the bad stuff they haven't talked to anyone about. But relationships are complex and this might be only a small element of how people are together.

I know some of you will be uncomfortable with this post and I know that also some people have had very problematic and difficult relationships and are really trying to help other people going through this. We all invariably bring our own experience to bear.

But OP you have to figure out yourself what you think and where the balance is tipped. I always think you have a little voice inside you telling you the right thing to do if you listen hard for it. What is your little voice saying??

My little voice is saying that i hate myself at the moment. I hate what i have become. I hate what as a couple has happened. I would love to be with him but not in this way. I want back what we had in the first 6/7 years of our marriage.

I have told him frequently i dont like it when we have sex when i am drunk. He says i enjoy it. Then a couple of weeks ago i was in a lot of pain. I had been getting this pain in my side on and off for few months but it had been getting worse. He suggested i had a drink to numb the pain as i hate going to hospital which i did and that time i did want to drink to be honest. I passed out but came around at about 3am in the morning crippled in pain and i am no wuss but the pain was unbearable so he phoned a ambulance and as it turned out i had gallstones and a inflamed gallbladder which the doctors thought was because i lost weight very quickly when i lost 4 stones a few months previously. When i came home from hospital the next day he said we had sex (again i was sore and my legs hurt) and i swear to god i was so shocked as i knew i had passed out in pain and i cannot remember a single thing about it as i had drunk more then i usually do just to get rid of the pain as i really detest going to hospital. This has played on my mind since hence why i have come on here. I was shocked he had sex with me knowing i was in pain and scared of what the pain was.

I did tell him when i got angry last week ( i occassionally have a angry burst where i just shout out all my feelings and anger towards him i admit i do this but he just builts up) i drink to keep him happy so he doesnt play away from home. He did look shocked and said he would never ever have sex with me again when drunk. I thought good a result i have shocked him but then 2 days later he had brought Vodka home again

mummy_Jay wrote: »

I'm glad you feel he wont hurt your kids, but isn't seeing you treat like this abusing them mentally. You don't know what they see and hear when your out of it. It's just not a healthy enviroment for them to grow up it and as they get bigger they will become more and more aware of it, it will effect them even if nothing actually happen to them.

What you are saying is a perfect description of how manipulators work, and they seem to enjoy taking down strong women all the more. The chipping at you, little by little knocking you, separating you from everyone else, flirting with other women infront of you so your more incline to do what they want, pushing you into to things you don't want to do cos they make you feel like you need them so much you can't risk losing them, degraing you, until your barely a shadow of your former self and completely under there control.

I'm not surprised he makes sure you do all the punishing of the kids it will make them like him more and it easier for him to manipulate them to his way of thinking.

Thank you. Your right seeing this is not good for our children. At the moment they are young and i dont drink until quite late in the evening where they have been asleep for couple hours but if this continues your right as they get older they will of course pick up on things and stuff.

That is exactly how i feel most days that he is just chipping away at me taking a bit at a time.

mummy_Jay

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have told him frequently i dont like it when we have sex when i am drunk. He says i enjoy it. Then a couple of weeks ago i was in a lot of pain. I had been getting this pain in my side on and off for few months but it had been getting worse. He suggested i had a drink to numb the pain as i hate going to hospital which i did and that time i did want to drink to be honest. I passed out but came around at about 3am in the morning crippled in pain and i am no wuss but the pain was unbearable so he phoned a ambulance and as it turned out i had gallstones and a inflamed gallbladder which the doctors thought was because i lost weight very quickly when i lost 4 stones a few months previously. When i came home from hospital the next day he said we had sex (again i was sore and my legs hurt) and i swear to god i was so shocked as i knew i had passed out in pain and i cannot remember a single thing about it as i had drunk more then i usually do just to get rid of the pain as i really detest going to hospital. This has played on my mind since hence why i have come on here. I was shocked he had sex with me knowing i was in pain and scared of what the pain was.

I'm sorry but this man doesn't love you. No one in there right mind would treat someone they loved like this. This is degradation.
Get out before it escalates.

If your still not sure, call womens aid 0808 2000 247.

worriedsik

[When i came home from hospital the next day he said we had sex (again i was sore and my legs hurt) and i swear to god i was so shocked as i knew i had passed out in pain and i cannot remember a single thing about it as i had drunk more then i usually do just to get rid of the pain as i really detest going to hospital. This has played on my mind since hence why i have come on here. I was shocked he had sex with me knowing i was in pain and scared of what the pain was.

iam shocked too ! he knew you were ill but went ahead anyway ! all for his own needs ! how selfish !whether he brings the vodka home or not is irrelevant you can take a horse to water etc ! so iam glad you have now decided you are not going to drink it doesnt matter if he brings home bucket loads dont touch it ! only then will you be able to see what he is made off

Magpye

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have told him frequently i dont like it when we have sex when i am drunk. He says i enjoy it. Then a couple of weeks ago i was in a lot of pain. I had been getting this pain in my side on and off for few months but it had been getting worse. He suggested i had a drink to numb the pain as i hate going to hospital which i did and that time i did want to drink to be honest. I passed out but came around at about 3am in the morning crippled in pain and i am no wuss but the pain was unbearable so he phoned a ambulance and as it turned out i had gallstones and a inflamed gallbladder which the doctors thought was because i lost weight very quickly when i lost 4 stones a few months previously. When i came home from hospital the next day he said we had sex (again i was sore and my legs hurt) and i swear to god i was so shocked as i knew i had passed out in pain and i cannot remember a single thing about it as i had drunk more then i usually do just to get rid of the pain as i really detest going to hospital. This has played on my mind since hence why i have come on here. I was shocked he had sex with me knowing i was in pain and scared of what the pain was.

Horrendous. I repeat, if you cannot give full and informed consent, and being drunk automatically puts you into this state (as I think you know it does), this is rape. If you were passed out, doubly so and he must know this is wrong. I cannot believe that you are not seeing this for what it it, but then your husband is putting doubt about what you are experiencing into your mind. I'm sorry, but the 'relationship' sounds totally toxic, and you must seek help immediately. Please. It must be very hard to think of someone you love in these terms - and it may take a long time to fully process the abuse you have received - but it breaks my heart to think of you in such a situation thinking that it's somehow your fault or that you deserve it, or even worse, that it's not abuse because it's coming from the man you married. It is WORSE because it comes from someone you should trust.

Even if you do nothing else, at the moment, get rid of all the alcohol in the house - even refuse to drink or eat anything you haven't prepared yourself. It may sound like overkill, but you need to protect yourself.

paddy's_mum

You know, you really ought to call the Police and hand over to them this gun that your husband must be holding to your head! :rolleyes:

I do feel for you, and I agree with belfastgirl that this is a complicated relationship in which not everything is bad and much of value perhaps able to be salvaged but I don't understand why you and your husband are so mis-using alcohol. Instead of enjoying it (and nobody likes their glass or four of wine more than I do!) you're attributing all kinds of abilities and blame to it. Can you really not see that between you, you are in danger?

On what medical advice or common sense opinion did you think that consuming a large [enough to render you unconscious :eek:] amount of booze would help with a major problem with your innards? That booze could have so very easily led to your death if you had peritonitis and were too out of it to call for further help. What damage do you think you are causing to an already in-trouble gall bladder?

For the sake of your health, if for nothing else, please, please stop this drinking for obscene reasons and with such sick results. What you are doing is frankly stupid and highly unhealthy - but perhaps you also believe that the ideal treatment for the person who just had their arm mangled in machinery is a medicinal brandy or that a tot of rum cures cancer!

Bluntly? You seem to have lost any sense of right and wrong, sense or stupidity. You must talk to someone who can help you get your sense of perspective back. If you can't or won't, then the sordid parts of your marriage will simply carry on and the blame for any damage will rest equally on you and your husband.

There comes a time when a victim who will not protest becomes an accomplice. Don't allow that unhappy person to be you! Good luck.

worriedsik

There comes a time when a victim who will not protest becomes an accomplice. Don't allow that unhappy person to be you! Good luck.

I think its called co-dependant

http://www.codependency.co.uk/

RAS

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have been married to my husband for 10 years and have 2 children together.

Since we have been together my husband hasnt like me to work as he has insecurities which until recently has been fine with me as i have been lucky enough to be able to be at home with our 2 children.

Hi this alone raises alarm bells. It is the classic action of someone who is controlling and often goes with economic abuse and domestic violence.

Having read the last few posts, I am going to add that this suggests that the recent issue with alcohol and sex is an extension of a longer term issue. After a decade subject to distorting views from OH, with few alternative opportunities to receive views from colleagues, family and friends which challenge his orthodoxy, NSH's perceptions of what is good/bad, healthy or otherwise in a relationship are likely to be very different from those held by many posters here.

Isolation is a classic action of those who want to control other people, so please please start to talk people outside your marriage about what has happened. You need lots of independant validation that your recent concerns are npot along justified but that your previous compliance even with things like not working was not and is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Do you have any funds that are independent and secure?