Head in a muddle!

Mrs_Moc

Thank God for your last post NSH. Your thread has me literally sitting with tears running down my face that you are being manipulated in such a terrible way.

You are being raped. Im so glad to hear you are not going to drink anymore, and counselling sounds like an excellent idea. I dont know how you feel about your husband, but what sort of controlling bully would do that to you? (((((Hugs))))

NeedSomeHelp_2

Mrs_Moc wrote: »

Thank God for your last post NSH. Your thread has me literally sitting with tears running down my face that you are being manipulated in such a terrible way.

You are being raped. Im so glad to hear you are not going to drink anymore, and counselling sounds like an excellent idea. I dont know how you feel about your husband, but what sort of controlling bully would do that to you? (((((Hugs))))

Sorry did not want to upset anyone thank you for caring XXX

I will stop this and make myself better but i may need a bit of push every now and then so i hope you all dont mind if i keep coming back for more advise and a bit of a morale boost.

Make-it-3

OP your OH has been manipulating you for a long time and you have lost all sense of judgement about what is acceptable behaviour on his part. Please, please as advised here go and see someone professional as it is rape and domestic abuse you are speaking of here.

Mely

Please let us know how things go. You cant let him treat you this way. Be strong and get help!
Thinking of you,
Mel x

Counting_Pennies_2

It is so very sad, as you say you got on so well and had a fantastic relationship and it has all gone off the rails.

It is often so easy for relationships to shift into the unreasonable side of things, when power shifts and the other wants to please.

You definitely need to get some help with counselling, I have had counselling and it helps you become a much stronger person. Have a look on this website and see if you can find someone on this list. Not sure of your financial situation, but the NHS only provide a 'sticking plaster' service of a few weeks, and this is never enough to get to the real problem and beyond, so see if you can find some money to see someone private if you can.
http://www.bacp.co.uk/

In terms of getting out to meet others.

Perhaps you can look at arranging to meet up with mums from your preschool, if you have a child of that age. You could look at mums that have younger children of a similar age and invite them to come back to play, either during preschool, or after. That is always a good way to meet people.

If you do have a child of preschool age perhaps see if you can be involved in an informal way, maybe not taking on an official role on the committee, but helping at any fundraising event (they often are held at weekends, so you could leave the children with your other half). Build up a network of friends that way.

Perhaps you could offer to be the welcoming parent to the preschool. Most preschools don't have one because people to fill roles are so hard to come by, but you could offer to invite new mums (often each new term) to meet the mums of the new children starting the preschool. It could start with an informal discussion of the standard day at preschool and then just have an equal amount of time to have general chat and meet the other mums. If you are the person who arranges this each term, you will get to meet nearly every mum who is at the preschool, and hopefully get to know others better and find a few friends. Remember everyone is worthy, don't go with the impression you are less of a person just because you are feeling isolated.

If not at preschool yet look into local play groups and again offer to help, it is amazing how you all get chatting and friendships grow. Ask people for coffee, or if you are unsure about meeting in houses why not suggest going to a soft play centre together. Trial and error you will find some nice people to know.

I lost a lot of my 'friends' when I had postnatal depression, still getting out the other side, but I have managed to get back on my feet very slowly these last two years and slowly met some other lovely people. I have realised that it would be lovely if they were all forever friends, but some fair weather friends are ok, lighten up the day, but not necessarily be able to depend on them.

Go easy on yourself. Definitely make the decision immediately you won't get into that drinking situation again, and be strong with your other half. Talk to him, say you are uneasy about what has been happening and you would like it to stop. See what happens. But I think these coming months regardless of what happens between you both, you need to get yourself strong and not see that what is happening with him has to rule your life. You can build up your own support network it will just take some time and your confidence will grow. Stand your ground and see how things go.

x

shorelines

I think the previous posters have said it all but I just wanted to say you're not worthless and you don't deserve to be treated this way. {hugs} x

LydiaJ

So sorry you are being bullied this way. Lots of people have said helpful things, so I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have asked him before to leave but he makes me feel like i am being a drama queen and over dramatising everything. I cant even trust my own judgement anymore which is stupid as i use to be such a confidnat independant person hence why if asking on here if i am being silly.

Whenever you try to raise the issue of his unacceptable behaviour, he will tell you you are being silly and that nothing is wrong. That's what bullies do, because they don't want to change, so they resist any attempt to get them to change. That doesn't mean there's any truth in it - because in fact you are not a drama queen and you are not over-dramatising anything. Actually, you have spent years down-playing his abuse and accommodating his controlling behaviour, and trying to convince yourself that everything's still OK when it really isn't.

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

He is a brilliant dad to our children he really is. He helps out with them when he gets home from work, never misses any school meeting or plays, is always playing with them, taking them out etc etc but i just know things are not right with us.

Even if he is great with them, he is not being a brilliant dad if he is setting them an example of marriage where the husband has all the power and the wife keeps getting hurt and can't do anything about it. Think about it - do you want your sons to grow up to treat their wives the way your husband treats you? Do you want your daughters to grow up to accept the kind of treatment you are getting as normal, and to pick men who will treat them that way? Because if you remain in this relationship the way it is, then there's a strong possibility that that's what your kids will do as adults.

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

If i am honest i dont feel very confidant sex wise at the moment so i do drink so i have sex with him and i just feel if he is getting it at home then he wont look else where.

I think you already know that he is going to look elsewhere whether he gets it at home or not, don't you? None of us can know whether the "looking" has led (or will lead) to anything more than looking, but the flirting at work and denying it, the !!!!!!... none of it indicates a man whose heart and mind are faithful to you. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I dont have any friends at all really and am quite iscolated from my family too as we live 2 hrs away from them and its always just been "us" we dont need anyone else but our family sort of thing.

That's partly why he picked you. Isolated people are much easier to bully. You absolutely must get yourself some kind of support - start with us on here (and PM me if you want to) but try to find some face to face people too.

Proc wrote: »

The problem is obviously with the sex life.

pookienoodle wrote: »

your hubbie obviously finds you sexy or he wouldn't get you drunk to bed you.

Not necessarily. Finding somebody sexy makes people want to have consensual sex. It shouldn't make him want to get her to pass out drunk so that he can rape her. Rape isn't primarily about sex, it's about power. (I mean, as someone has pointed out, it may be about his feelings of sexual inadequacy, but that's hardly a good thing in this context.) The whole of the relationship has got the power balance catastophically wrong, and the sex life is just the same as the rest of it.

I know you want to have a happy marriage with this man, but please believe me, nobody ever ever in the history of the world got an abusive person to change by appeasing them. It doesn't work. Occasionally, very occasionally, they change if somebody stands up to them. It's rare, but it's possible. The best hope for your marriage right now is for you to throw him out. If you still love him and want it to work in the long run, then tell him you love him but you can't live with him until he gets help for his controlling behaviour. He probably won't, but if you go on appeasing him, he certainly won't.

You might want to try reading "Boundaries in marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It would have saved my marriage if I'd had it 10 years earlier. (It's written from a Christian perspective, but it still has loads of relevant stuff for everyone, and if the specifically Christian stuff doesn't appeal, you can skim over those bits.)

SallyUK

Morning Needsomehelp

Sorry, I've come to this post so late, but just wanted to say that you've been given some wonderful advice by the other posters on this thread and you are being abused. There's no getting away from that fact.

I know you say you don't want him to go anywhere else, that's partly why you've subjected yourself to this abuse so far. You obviously have low self esteem and he's playing on that fact. He knows that you don't have confidence anymore - if you had - you wouldn't allow him to treat you this way. I suspect too, that along with your other problems, you're not interested in sex any more and that if you're drunk, then it makes it easier for you - and obviously for him!! :mad:

You've probably been thinking that you couldn't manage if you were on your own with the children, well you would. Yes, it's a scary thought, but you do manage, trust me.

Going back to him being with someone else, just because you're letting him do this to you, won't stop him playing away - what if he was having sex with someone else, or other people, and then raping you? Once you get yourself some help, please consider having your sexual health checked out too.

I run a group for survivors of sexual abuse, so if you'd like to send me a PM, I'll give you the link for it, if you'd like.

In the meantime, try to be strong, I know it's difficult, but think of what you and the children deserve for the future.

Good luck,

Sal
x

mummy_Jay

Glad to hear your beginning to get your head in gear.

So he's got you isolated with no friends or family near by and drugging you to have sex (alcohol is a drug and that is rape). Whilst remaining perfectly somber, this is pure manipulation and control. This is not a healthy relationship to be in or to have children around.

Ok on to the kids maybe I'm the only one thats seeing this but you say he's super dad - the one that does all the night feeds, goes to all the school stuff etc. Doesn't this stike you as the first steps towards controling the children and you are risking him using your children against you. 'mummy was never there, it was always dad', the end results will either be your children seeing this as acceptable behavour and possibly joining in treating you like dirt (as thats how he is treating you) or being abused themselves.

The other question I'd ask is he is getting you so drunk you pass out, how do you know your children are safe with someone that thinks this is acceptable. Those hours your are out for the count you don't know what is happening to them, maybe nothing, maybe they see whats going on, may be more. I'm sorry I'm being alarmist but that is my reaction to his behavour.

You say your not going to drink, brilliant but make sure you get rid of all the vodka in the house, pour it down the sink, maybe even leave one filled with water, as I would be half expecting to find he will start trying to spike you.

But the best advise, is get rid, do it now. Your children need someone stable around them, not this man.

NeedSomeHelp_2

Thank you all for the advice. I will follow up all the link, books and info you have all given me.

I really value everyones support and opinions.

I am just struggling in my head tho because i do not want to picture him being a monster. During the day he is a normal caring man. He goes to work and earns good money. He helps me out with housework at weekends. He is brilliant with our children and tells me he loves me several times a day.

I know i am not perfect and always thought i was the controlling one. I am a bit of a perfectionist. Have i made him like this because i use to be the one who use to be more in control of things for example i plan all the finances, i am the one who discipline the kids as they do not listen to him as he is too soft with them and lets them get away with everything ( i only do time out etc i dont smack them or anything). I am thinking maybe i have made him like this because i use to be a strong independant person.


Mummy_Jay - I really value your opinion and you have made some really good points but i know on my life there is no way in the world he would abuse our children either physically, emotionally or sexually. I know people will say "yes everyone says that" but i swear on my life he would not that is the only thing in the world i am 100% sure of out of all this.