Head in a muddle!

worriedsik

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice. My judgement must be so way off at the moment. I suppose when i drink i know how it will end that is why i drink so i can keep him happy so he wont look elsewhere and then i dont know if he is or if that is just me paranoid. Does it still make it abuse if i know that it will end with me passing out and him doing what he wants? The thing is when we first met he had been in a marriage from 17 yrs old of age and even tho they were married for 10 years he wasnt very experienced or had a good sex life as his previous wife was very over weight and unconfidant etc. So when we were first together we couldnt get enough of eachother and stuff. Its just really since the first flirting thing it knocked me for six and since then i prob havent been as confidant sexually as i had been. I dont know why the flirting effected me so much. I suppose because i had felt like hi Princess and stupid as it sounds i thought i was enough for him and he wouldnt need to flirt or look at other. Obviously i was very niave and maybe immature.

I have never brought the drink (Vodka) he buys it.

I will def seek advice tomorrow.

I have asked him to leave 3 times each when the flirting episodes happened and each time we had this big heart to heart and things were going to change etc etc and then about 3 months ago. As i said it is ok for a week but then it all goes back to him being selfish and i feel like i do all the giving and he takes. Then my paranoia sets in about what he is doing at work then i feel down and worthless. Its a vicious circle. I know most of this is prob my fault for being low and no confidance at the moment.

Thank you all for the help i really appreciate it.

Our judgements are usually way off when being brain washed !
You are drinking to keep him happy ! OMG ! what is he doing to make you happy ?
so basically you are sacrificing your own morals and values to keep him from straying i find that very sad and i mean that in a sincere way x but what you are doing is going to have the opposite effect on him , he wont have any respect for you & he may stray anyway

i would throw this away and see if it returns with the goods....x

Magpye

I cannot echo Errata's post strongly enough. Please get yourself out of this situation straight away. You may find it useful to contact Rape Crisis, as you are certainly in a situation where you are being abused - you are NOT at fault here, you're merely seeking to justify your husband's appalling behaviour. Please do not think that way, although this is a common reaction to sexual abuse, it's not the correct one.

Be safe, and please, please seek help from some quarter. You know that this situation cannot be allowed to continue.

Errata

OP - your judgement is way off. You're not drinking to keep him happy, he's encouraging you to drink yourself stupid so he can rape you. I know that sounds harsh, and perhaps over dramatic, but it's the bald truth. You need to seek help, urgently, before his sex games turn into something far more serious.

worriedsik

worriedsik wrote: »

Our judgements are usually way off when being brain washed !
You are drinking to keep him happy ! OMG ! what is he doing to make you happy ?
so basically you are sacrificing your own morals and values to keep him from straying i find that very sad and i mean that in a sincere way x but what you are doing is going to have the opposite effect on him , he wont have any respect for you & he may stray anyway

i would throw this away and see if it returns with the goods....x

i said he wont have any respect for you i want to edit this and i should have said...''he doesnt have any respect for you''

paddy's_mum

D'ya know .. I'm wondering if all this poor behaviour is because your husband thinks (or knows damn well) that sexually he is utterly inadequate!

Think on it. He emerged from his marriage being "not very experienced" nor having had "a good sex life". TDespite the truth of the saying that it takes two to tango, and learn together how to have good sex, the blame for this is unfairly laid at the door of his ex-wife for being overweight and unconfident - same as you then OP except that you can't see that he has picked two separate women who already have low self-esteem or who are willing to be brainwashed into taking the blame.

He then starts to get his jollies by using flirtatious words with colleagues. If one of them had sexually bantered back, where would that have ended, since the OP mentions on more than one occasion that she wants to keep him 'happy at home'?

Then we have his mobile phone pornography. Fine, you might say except that he isn't using it to enrich the couple's love life.

Instead he is behaving like the worst kind of exploiting cad and clearly thinks that a sh*g under even these sickening, emotionally empty conditions is worthwhile ... or he wouldn't have bothered to repeat the 'gonna get you drunk' episode. Is anybody in possession of their senses going to allege that this is making love?

OP - you don't need to seek medical help for depression. You need to be shown how to value yourself and my earnest suggestion would be that you try to find help with your self-esteem. I'd also suggest that you confide in someone you feel emotionally close to (Mum, sister?) because although they may be geographically distant, they are actually only at the end of the phone.

You need support and perhaps even more importantly, affection. I hope you seek and find it.

gothic_girl

Didn't want to read and run...

Please please follow the fantastic posts on here and talk to someone, you should not in any way put up with this at all. They will help you sort your thoughts and help you get out of the toxic situation.

Take that step.. hugs

NBirdy

I think most of what I thought has already been said, except - how old are your children? At least one is pre-school age is that right? What happens if one of them is ill, or there is some emergency or situation whilst you are passed out drunk?

rainbow81

Hi
Just wanted to reiterate the point that it is not your fault. I have been in a similar situation (though not with children and not married) and I know that it is a spiral: you are not feeling your best, you find out they are paying other women more attention than you, getting drunk makes you relaxed and forget all that stuff and then you can try and keep him happy in bed because you think the cycle won't start again with him looking for fun elsewhere.

I think you know that it doesn't work. You have found out the hard way but it really isn't your fault. You have been isolated and only have him so what were the options?

Now it seems you have realised what has been going on. You know what you need to do.

What you said about not being "allowed" to bring up his past behaviour also struck a chord with me. I bet he likes to wipe the slate clean. It is just so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Sounds like the ex wife got the same treatment you have been getting to be honest.

All the best.

x

NeedSomeHelp_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

D'ya know .. I'm wondering if all this poor behaviour is because your husband thinks (or knows damn well) that sexually he is utterly inadequate!

Think on it. He emerged from his marriage being "not very experienced" nor having had "a good sex life". TDespite the truth of the saying that it takes two to tango, and learn together how to have good sex, the blame for this is unfairly laid at the door of his ex-wife for being overweight and unconfident - same as you then OP except that you can't see that he has picked two separate women who already have low self-esteem or who are willing to be brainwashed into taking the blame.

He then starts to get his jollies by using flirtatious words with colleagues. If one of them had sexually bantered back, where would that have ended, since the OP mentions on more than one occasion that she wants to keep him 'happy at home'?

Then we have his mobile phone pornography. Fine, you might say except that he isn't using it to enrich the couple's love life.

Instead he is behaving like the worst kind of exploiting cad and clearly thinks that a sh*g under even these sickening, emotionally empty conditions is worthwhile ... or he wouldn't have bothered to repeat the 'gonna get you drunk' episode. Is anybody in possession of their senses going to allege that this is making love?

OP - you don't need to seek medical help for depression. You need to be shown how to value yourself and my earnest suggestion would be that you try to find help with your self-esteem. I'd also suggest that you confide in someone you feel emotionally close to (Mum, sister?) because although they may be geographically distant, they are actually only at the end of the phone.

You need support and perhaps even more importantly, affection. I hope you seek and find it.

You are probably right there. He has often said to me about my past sexual partners ( i have not slept around but have had a handful of sexual partners before i married him). I can also vaguley remember once or twice him asking me to tell him what i have done with them when i have been drunk and we have been having sex. He will then mention it in the days after. Not in a nasty way but does still mention it I dont understand why as i would hate to think of him being with anyone else.

The !!!!!! i found on his phone was just photos no videos or anything.

I will def get some help tomorrow to work on my self esteem and also think maybe some counselling too may help me. Thank you for your help and time.

gothic_girl wrote: »

Didn't want to read and run...

Please please follow the fantastic posts on here and talk to someone, you should not in any way put up with this at all. They will help you sort your thoughts and help you get out of the toxic situation.

Take that step.. hugs

Thank you x

NBirdy wrote: »

I think most of what I thought has already been said, except - how old are your children? At least one is pre-school age is that right? What happens if one of them is ill, or there is some emergency or situation whilst you are passed out drunk?

My husband never drinks so he is always there for our children. To be honest he has always doen night time feeds etc and gets up for them as i am such a deep sleeper at best of times but i do see your point and from today i wont be drinking anymore. You have all opened my eyes. It is not right. I am not a drinker anyway and i dont enjoy drinking in the least.

Thank you all and i will update you all X

NeedSomeHelp_2

rainbow81 wrote: »

Hi
Just wanted to reiterate the point that it is not your fault. I have been in a similar situation (though not with children and not married) and I know that it is a spiral: you are not feeling your best, you find out they are paying other women more attention than you, getting drunk makes you relaxed and forget all that stuff and then you can try and keep him happy in bed because you think the cycle won't start again with him looking for fun elsewhere.

I think you know that it doesn't work. You have found out the hard way but it really isn't your fault. You have been isolated and only have him so what were the options?

Now it seems you have realised what has been going on. You know what you need to do.

What you said about not being "allowed" to bring up his past behaviour also struck a chord with me. I bet he likes to wipe the slate clean. It is just so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Sounds like the ex wife got the same treatment you have been getting to be honest.

All the best.

x

Thank you so much you have exactly summed it up perfectly. I know now my judgement is way off and intend to do something about it. X