Head in a muddle!

NeedSomeHelp_2

Hello i am a regular poster but want to stay anon.

This is a long post sorry. I know there is a lot of worse people then me but wonder if you have any advice or help for me even if it is a slap and telling me to get a grip

I have been married to my husband for 10 years and have 2 children together.

Since we have been together my husband hasnt like me to work as he has insecurities which until recently has been fine with me as i have been lucky enough to be able to be at home with our 2 children.

A couple of years ago my i accidently overheard my husband flirting with a couple of woman at his works when he must of accidently knocked his mobile which phoned me. It was not heavy stuff just like him saying to them "my sweet my darling". When i asked him about it he lied and actually swore on our childs life it wasnt true He only admitted it once i told him i had actually heard it! It hurt me a lot and i ended up feeling quite unattractive and put on weight but we carried on and were happish. It then happened again approx 6 months later - i had phoned him and he did not disconnect his call properly. Aagin lies about it and i also found !!!!!! on his mobile too. Again not reason for divorce or anything but it really made me feel in adequate and down. It was shortly after we had our second child. I went to the doctors as i felt bad and sure i had postnatal depression. The doctor gave me a questionaire but as i wasnt suicidal felt it was best if i tried exercise, positive thinking and getting out more.

I did loose 4 stones and started to built my confidance back up but have never felt about myself as i use to before all this happened with my husband before. I use to be a really happy confidant person before we met and for the first few years of our marriage.

When we were away on holiday recently i had a couple of drinks one night and it made me feel relaxed and confidant about myself so since then my husband has encouraged me to drink in the evenings at home a couple of times week. I am not a big drinker until now and cannot hold my drink at all. He encourages me to drink until basically i am literally passed out or not knowing what i am doing. I know he does this so he can do what he wants with me sexually. A couple of times i have not even been able to remember what happened but know we had sex as i was so sore the morning after and he says i was consenting and loved it. I know sex hasnt been brilliant lately as i am low about myself and it probably makes it worse as we did use to be quite a sexual couple and had a full and staisfying sex life the best we both ever had.

He is a brilliant dad to our children he really is. He helps out with them when he gets home from work, never misses any school meeting or plays, is always playing with them, taking them out etc etc but i just know things are not right with us. We use to be so close and use to spend evenings snuggled up, sharing our interests, talking but now there is nothing like that and no romance, no cuddling nothing. When he wants affection he gets me vodka, gets me drunk and thats it. - I dont even like alcohol i only drink to please him. I know there is far off worse people then me and i prob sound selfish - he has never hit me or even raised his voice to me but he just doesnt seem to have much interest in me anymore even tho he says he loves me more than anything.

I do try to talk to him regularly about it as i know we both need to change and he probably has things about me he would like to change and i am willing to do anything to make us both happy but then i am nagging, or moaning or dragging up the past.

Any advise would be great and if i need to get a grip please dont be shy to tell me.

delain

Get out of there! or ask him to leave for a week or 2 so you can get your head together. he's acting like a pr!ck and you know it, If you didn't you wouldn't have needed to ask the question

NeedSomeHelp_2

delain wrote: »

Get out of there! or ask him to leave for a week or 2 so you can get your head together. he's acting like a pr!ck and you know it, If you didn't you wouldn't have needed to ask the question

I have asked him before to leave but he makes me feel like i am being a drama queen and over dramatising everything. I cant even trust my own judgement anymore which is stupid as i use to be such a confidnat independant person hence why if asking on here if i am being silly.

Thank you Delain

Kandipandi

Im afraid i could not live like that. There is someting fundementally wrong in this relationship and you need to have it out with him in full.
Can you get things back on track to the relationship you had before, can you pull yourself up again to get some self worth back.
Relationships if left to run their course will sometimes come off the rails, you need to work at marriages to keep them working, it requires effort on both parts though and if one of you will not accept that work is needed then things do not look good.
Perhaps he will be glad you have acknowledged this problem and be glad to work at it with you.
Good luck honey hope you find your way though this x

worriedsik

Hi needsomehelp

Iam not going to tell you to get a grip but i think you have no self esteem and dont value yourself enough & i think you know who is responsible for that . but its now up to you as its only you who is responsible for yourself ie you are letting him

( He encourages me to drink until basically i am literally passed out or not knowing what i am doing. I know he does this so he can do what he wants with me sexually.)....... is that not rape ? & you say he encourages you to drink ! can you not just refuse to drink ? & see if you can have a relationship inc sexuall one without alcohol .

( A couple of times i have not even been able to remember what happened but know we had sex as i was so sore the morning after and he says i was consenting and loved it.) is this acceptable to you ?

Jeez i dont know what else to say to you apart from why are you drinking with him when you dont want to ?

you are not a drama queen complaining about the way he is treating you , off course you will appear that way to him because he wants to keep you right where you are ie being used !!!

Why are you letting this man abuse & use you ? just answer me that last Q please

x

delain

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have asked him before to leave but he makes me feel like i am being a drama queen and over dramatising everything. I cant even trust my own judgement anymore which is stupid as i use to be such a confidnat independant person hence why if asking on here if i am being silly.

Thank you Delain

I don't know if I've spoken to you about it before (AE and all that) but I've been through this, my ex used to expect me to drink all night then be up with the kids all day. In the end he became physically voilent but it was the psychological abuse (and it is abuse!) that affected me the most. By the time I finally left i was a shell of my former self, and I only wish I'd had the courage to leave sooner!

At the same time he was deliberately isolating me, do you se your friends much? Has he developed mysterious 'issues' with them?

Oh, and if you wake up sore, you were raped. This happened to me. Tell the police, and tell them you'd like them to be there when you chuck him out in case of trouble, they will be understanding.

Speak to your GP, or the Police and they will put you on to your local women's aid lady, even if it's just for a chat they're wonderful.

Feel free to PM me though if you need someone to talk to. xx

NeedSomeHelp_2

Kandipandi wrote: »

Im afraid i could not live like that. There is someting fundementally wrong in this relationship and you need to have it out with him in full.
Can you get things back on track to the relationship you had before, can you pull yourself up again to get some self worth back.
Relationships if left to run their course will sometimes come off the rails, you need to work at marriages to keep them working, it requires effort on both parts though and if one of you will not accept that work is needed then things do not look good.
Perhaps he will be glad you have acknowledged this problem and be glad to work at it with you.
Good luck honey hope you find your way though this x

Thank you.

You are right and when the flirting happened etc etc we had several talks and things we were both going to make the effort about etc but it was ok for a week then things go back as they are now. Now more recently when i try tell him i am unhappy and stuff i just feel even worse about myself and i am "nagging or moaning or dragging up the past". It is so sad as we use to have such a special bond and relationship. Hard to believe i know but we genuinely did.

pookienoodle

start by limiting your drinking its not healthy and it is empty calories.
tell your husband you don't want to have sex when your drunk,tell him you want to remember enjoying it.
you may be the type of person who gets a bit randy when you're drunk and your hubbie likes this,maybe he doesn't realise you feel bad because you don't remember it.
concentrate on making yourself feel more confident and attractive.
your hubbie obviously finds you sexy or he wouldn't get you drunk to bed you.
tell him what you have put here,maybe even show him this post,tell him you need affection and to be told you are loved.
my husband moans I never tell him I love him anymore,I forget because I love him so naturally I don't feel the need to say it.
I think your husband will be only to happy to help you find the " old you" so you can get your marriage and sexlife back on track.
good luck.

belfastgirl23

This is awful and totally unacceptable. I don't think there's a lot more that I can say - I think right now this is what you need to hear - you know it deep in your heart but you need to hear other people say it so you can trust in your own judgement. You are absolutely right. You need to get some help, whether from counselling (if you want to stay in the relationship) or from women's aid, if you choose to get out.

But have faith in your own judgement.

paddy's_mum

Are you being a drama queen if what you are doing is protesting against his base manipulation of you and what to many people is tantamount to rape! I don't think so.

However, unless he is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to drink the alcohol, you are every bit as much to blame for this hate filled situation as he is. The power to change it is in your own hands so use it unless you don't speak English and can't understand the word no.

It sounds to me as though you have self-worth issues, not helped by the flirtatious treachery your husband has indulged in. No wonder he doesn't want you to go out to work since he knows what sometimes goes on. He ought to know since he's enjoying his fill of disloyal shenanigans!

Swore on your child's life and yet you haven't yet dug in your heels and set boundaries?

Me? I'd be starting divorce proceedings on the basis of two years separation as I believe that you've both behaved unreasonably.

Proc

So he gets you drunk then does you up the wrong 'un?

Sounds like he's developed some sexual fantasises that he hasn't been able to fulfill before - possibly influenced by the !!!!!! he watches.

Have a talk to him. The problem is obviously with the sex life. The fact is that both of you have to enjoy it. I'm sure that between you there are thousands of ways that he can get his kicks without intruding too much on.