Head in a muddle!

NeedSomeHelp_2

worriedsik wrote: »

Hi needsomehelp

Iam not going to tell you to get a grip but i think you have no self esteem and dont value yourself enough & i think you know who is responsible for that . but its now up to you as its only you who is responsible for yourself ie you are letting him

( He encourages me to drink until basically i am literally passed out or not knowing what i am doing. I know he does this so he can do what he wants with me sexually.)....... is that not rape ? & you say he encourages you to drink ! can you not just refuse to drink ? & see if you can have a relationship inc sexuall one without alcohol .

( A couple of times i have not even been able to remember what happened but know we had sex as i was so sore the morning after and he says i was consenting and loved it.) is this acceptable to you ?

Jeez i dont know what else to say to you apart from why are you drinking with him when you dont want to ?

you are not a drama queen complaining about the way he is treating you , off course you will appear that way to him because he wants to keep you right where you are ie being used !!!

Why are you letting this man abuse & use you ? just answer me that last Q please

x

Yes you are right. I have let myself get this way. He does not drink only on the odd occasion at Christmas the same as myself until recently. If i am honest i dont feel very confidant sex wise at the moment so i do drink so i have sex with him and i just feel if he is getting it at home then he wont look else where.

delain wrote: »

I don't know if I've spoken to you about it before (AE and all that) but I've been through this, my ex used to expect me to drink all night then be up with the kids all day. In the end he became physically voilent but it was the psychological abuse (and it is abuse!) that affected me the most. By the time I finally left i was a shell of my former self, and I only wish I'd had the courage to leave sooner!

At the same time he was deliberately isolating me, do you se your friends much? Has he developed mysterious 'issues' with them?

Oh, and if you wake up sore, you were raped. This happened to me. Tell the police, and tell them you'd like them to be there when you chuck him out in case of trouble, they will be understanding.

Speak to your GP, or the Police and they will put you on to your local women's aid lady, even if it's just for a chat they're wonderful.

Feel free to PM me though if you need someone to talk to. xx

Thank you for sharing with me i really appreciate it. It is really hard for me to see him in that light. I know things arent right but because i am so drunk i probably do consent to sex at the time i just cant usually remember doing so.

I will def go back to my GP and try get some help for myself.

I dont have any friends at all really and am quite iscolated from my family too as we live 2 hrs away from them and its always just been "us" we dont need anyone else but our family sort of thing.

RAS

NSH

I read and went away but have to post before I go.

Your OH's actions are sexual abuse; a drunk person cannot consent and if you are so sore this is not a "cuddle inside". Legally the situation is complicated because you are married but it is still not acceptable. Apart from anything else, you cannot consent to individual activities if you are out of it.

When he wants affection he gets me vodka, gets me drunk and thats it. - I dont even like alcohol i only drink to please him.

Are you buying the vodka; if so, stop buying any booze at all.

And next time he offers booze, refuse and tell him that if he wants sex, then it has to be sober and with full consent.

I actually think that whatever sort of father he is, you need to think very carefully before you continue in this abusive relationship.

Strong words, I know.

I also think you need to talk to a lawyer as I think that his actions would be consider unreasonable behaviour in a divorce court

worriedsik

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

I have asked him before to leave but he makes me feel like i am being a drama queen and over dramatising everything. I cant even trust my own judgement anymore which is stupid as i use to be such a confidnat independant person hence why if asking on here if i am being silly.

Thank you Delain

Why did you ask him to leave before and how long ago was this ?..........no you are not being silly & he shouldnt be making you feel silly either off course its in his interests to make you feel worthless isnt it !

Errata

Sounds like you need to have a quiet chat with your local Domestic Abuse unit.
Someone who is so drunk they can't consent to sex and is then taken advantage of has been raped. Rape is a crime both inside and outside marriage or a partnership. It doesn't matter if you've willingly drunk the booze, you were still too drunk to consent.

love_lifer

Dear poster

would you treat someone the way your partner treats you? i imagine not, it's appalling to manipulate another person in such a way- sexually or otherwise, its pplain wrong. in my opinion

i hope you can talk to a friend about it in more detail. good luck

honeyD

Im sorry but this is just so so wrong How can you let him treat you like this?
My first thought when reading this was "isnt that rape?"
A husband who loves you wouldnt do that to you, ever. Its wrong.
Please seek help.

NeedSomeHelp_2

Thank you all for the advice. My judgement must be so way off at the moment. I suppose when i drink i know how it will end that is why i drink so i can keep him happy so he wont look elsewhere and then i dont know if he is or if that is just me paranoid. Does it still make it abuse if i know that it will end with me passing out and him doing what he wants? The thing is when we first met he had been in a marriage from 17 yrs old of age and even tho they were married for 10 years he wasnt very experienced or had a good sex life as his previous wife was very over weight and unconfidant etc. So when we were first together we couldnt get enough of eachother and stuff. Its just really since the first flirting thing it knocked me for six and since then i prob havent been as confidant sexually as i had been. I dont know why the flirting effected me so much. I suppose because i had felt like hi Princess and stupid as it sounds i thought i was enough for him and he wouldnt need to flirt or look at other. Obviously i was very niave and maybe immature.

I have never brought the drink (Vodka) he buys it.

I will def seek advice tomorrow.

I have asked him to leave 3 times each when the flirting episodes happened and each time we had this big heart to heart and things were going to change etc etc and then about 3 months ago. As i said it is ok for a week but then it all goes back to him being selfish and i feel like i do all the giving and he takes. Then my paranoia sets in about what he is doing at work then i feel down and worthless. Its a vicious circle. I know most of this is prob my fault for being low and no confidance at the moment.

Thank you all for the help i really appreciate it.

Amber07

Please DO NOT drink around this man ever again!!

You are being abused, please seek help x

delain

NeedSomeHelp wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice. My judgement must be so way off at the moment. I suppose when i drink i know how it will end that is why i drink so i can keep him happy so he wont look elsewhere and then i dont know if he is or if that is just me paranoid. Does it still make it abuse if i know that it will end with me passing out and him doing what he wants? The thing is when we first met he had been in a marriage from 17 yrs old of age and even tho they were married for 10 years he wasnt very experienced or had a good sex life as his previous wife was very over weight and unconfidant etc. So when we were first together we couldnt get enough of eachother and stuff. Its just really since the first flirting thing it knocked me for six and since then i prob havent been as confidant sexually as i had been. I dont know why the flirting effected me so much. I suppose because i had felt like hi Princess and stupid as it sounds i thought i was enough for him and he wouldnt need to flirt or look at other. Obviously i was very niave and maybe immature.

I have never brought the drink (Vodka) he buys it.

I will def seek advice tomorrow.

I have asked him to leave 3 times each when the flirting episodes happened and each time we had this big heart to heart and things were going to change etc etc and then about 3 months ago. As i said it is ok for a week but then it all goes back to him being selfish and i feel like i do all the giving and he takes. Then my paranoia sets in about what he is doing at work then i feel down and worthless. Its a vicious circle. I know most of this is prob my fault for being low and no confidance at the moment.

Thank you all for the help i really appreciate it.

Yes it's still abuse even when you know it's coming. Especially when you know it's coming, that's even worse imo.

Change never EVER happens.

Good luck to you hun, remember the kids will have noticed the weird atmosphere, any judge would come down on your side, domestic abuse is plenty enough grounds for divorce. Yes it's scary, but we're all here to help!

And remember, no more vodka. You don't want to end up needing it.

paddy's_mum

Yes - you do need to get a grip ...


.. right round the throat of this man who dares to call himself a loving husband!

There is no love in what he's doing re the alcohol and his sex life; no love in hurling insults and insisting that you mustn't refer to the unkind things he has inflicted on you and which have hurt your feelings so badly; no love in having "insecurities" about you being in the workplace while he plays that particular field to the hilt; no love in refusing to talk about where all that affectionate life has gone.

However nicely you put it, he is behaving like a classic bully. You clearly aren't happy with it or you wouldn't be asking what others think.

Well, now you know how others view his actions. Are you going to try to find the courage within you to put a stop to it? Have you enough love to insist that he sits down and talks properly about all this unhappiness, without ridiculing you or shouting you down, so that together you can try to find a way to continue in a different kind of marriage, one in which each partner is an equal?

If nothing else, he needs to be warned that his job could be on the line if one of his "sweet" or "darling" ladies takes offence and makes charges of sexual harrassment. Is this man living in today's world? What sort of relationship did his parents have? - the classic Dad the breadwinner and the little wifey at home fetching the pipe and slippers?

Do you think you owe it to all of you - wife, husband, children - to demand to be heard and make it clear that he either stops this nonsense or else must expect to lose all that he has as yet another casualty of the divorce courts?

I feel for you and wish you a happy ending. Good luck.