depression

feelinggood_2

Very very very bad at the moment
Wish I could get on and post, would make me feel better.
Instead I'm stuck here with an OH who doesn't understand and who makes me feel so guilty for being ill
Just wish I could crawl in to a hole and die

Miroslav

flis21 wrote:

CMHT is Community Mental Health Team, they have CPNs and psychiatrists there and can assess and get you help that you need. My doctor only put me on anti-depressants, but when I was seen by CMHT they put me on an anti-psychotic and that has really helped me alot. A useful resource if you have one in your area.

I was seeing someone until recently at my local Mental Health Team, but our area team is renowned for it's poor service. I've known lot's of people who were poorly treated, as I was, so i'm not going back to it.

My flatmate phoned someone this evening to get me some counselling (MIND) but no-one can see me until 20th October, so I feel even more down now.

Miroslav

CCStar wrote:

I have just realised that for just about every year of my life, I have hated late September/early October. It is the most sad and empty time for me.

I hate every month of the year, but I can understand September/October being quite bad for yourself and i'm sure many others. The cold and early nights start to set in.

Miroslav

feelinggood wrote:

Very very very bad at the moment
Wish I could get on and post, would make me feel better.
Instead I'm stuck here with an OH who doesn't understand and who makes me feel so guilty for being ill
Just wish I could crawl in to a hole and die

My flatmate is at least trying with me. I'm sorry to hear your OH isn't understanding. It's not nice when people try and make you feel guilty, especially when it's someone who should be supporting you.

Miroslav

I've been very bad this evening/tonight. I've cried alot when alone, not said much to my flatmate and even tried writing my feelings on paper, but reading it made me look 'crazy'.

I know this girl won't want to see me, and even if she does, she won't like me and want to see me again. I know if we met 1-1 i'd be really nervous and make a fool of myself, just because I want to be liked.

From now until judgement day (Sunday, when she decides if she wants to meet me alone) i'm gonna be a bag of nerves, fear and hope. I don't want that hope to die, on or after Sunday, but what she decides and what she thinks of me, is going to shape my future. She doesn't know that, but i'm pinning my hopes on it.

I finally ate something after 2 days without food. Flatmate cooked, felt ill afterwards and had dodgy stomach. Couldn't eat as much as normal either.

I feel lost, frightened, anxious and tearful. Maybe not something a 30 yr old man of my size should be, but i'm just a big softy

Horasio

Miroslav wrote:

I've been very bad this evening/tonight. I've cried alot when alone, not said much to my flatmate and even tried writing my feelings on paper, but reading it made me look 'crazy'.

I know this girl won't want to see me, and even if she does, she won't like me and want to see me again. I know if we met 1-1 i'd be really nervous and make a fool of myself, just because I want to be liked.

From now until judgement day (Sunday, when she decides if she wants to meet me alone) i'm gonna be a bag of nerves, fear and hope. I don't want that hope to die, on or after Sunday, but what she decides and what she thinks of me, is going to shape my future. She doesn't know that, but i'm pinning my hopes on it.

I finally ate something after 2 days without food. Flatmate cooked, felt ill afterwards and had dodgy stomach. Couldn't eat as much as normal either.

I feel lost, frightened, anxious and tearful. Maybe not something a 30 yr old man of my size should be, but i'm just a big softy

Sorry to hear that you are feeling anxious today.

Don't worry about your written thoughts looking crazy, mine look nuts when I read them back in a different mood. It is how you feel at that time. Write whatever you like, it is meant to help with the mood you have right NOW!

Try not to worry about meeting this girl. She sounds to be very messed up, so will be thinking of her own issues more than yours. I know you really like her but putting all your emotional eggs into one basket is a recipe for it to go wrong. It is very hard to do I know.

What are you feeling scared of? What would stop your sad feeling?

Tiff_2

Hi Miroslav,
Hope you got some sleep hun. I've read all your posts carefully and a few thoughts came to mind. Now try and focus - and remember, I'm a good Tiff.

1. Let's start with the obvious - you're in a very bad place right now. As I read your posts, a picture came into my mind. Angel, you're like a dog chasing it's own tail, getting more and more agitated. You know you're suffering but have no faith in the local mental health services. But hun, you need them. Staff get rotated and change - it may not be the same experience this time. You can request to be seen somewhere else. Not all of them are bad and when we are feeling really low, we're not very objective.

2. You've had some awful experiences and I can relate to most. You have my deepest sympathy for those you lost. You're still grieving angel and there's no time limit - allow yourself that time.

3. I can understand you wanting to be with this woman but you're bouncing between wanting to look after and love her and desperately needing her for yourself to feel better.

4. Miroslav hun, whatever the answer is on Sunday, there'll be a Monday. Don't put all your life placed around one day. If you want it too badly angel, it can't live up to your expectations.

5. You know you need help. I'm proud of you for letting your flatmate help you by contacting MIND. You really do need to see someone from the Mental Health Services hun - at least book an urgent appt to see your GP today. Before you can help this woman with all she needs, you have to help yourself FIRST.

6. Please don't pin all your hopes on this one person. You can see she needs help and you're nice enough to desperately give it to her. But you have to think about this angel, in my opinion, it's unfair to put her so high on a pedestal that she can't live up to it, especially if she's in hard times like yourself. In the states you're both in, do you think you would be good for each other? Would it not be better for you to stay friends and once you've had some more help, approach her then, because you'll be feeling better Miroslav and the chances of it working out will increase. I think you're too vulnerable right now hun to get into any relationship. The sooner you get the help, the sooner you can work towards something very positive with her.

7.Don't do anything stupid hun. How do you think she'd feel about that? It would be so much better if you could find some help instead.

8. I can understand your desperation for someone to love you, or even like you. You don't say anything positive about yourself, you're not looking after yourself, you're suffering and erratic. In nearly every post, you're screaming out for someone to help you.

9. This woman can't take all your pain away angel. It's not fair to put anyone in the position that their answer will determine whether you live or die. You can't be who you want to be until you've gotten help. That's what you need to do first - you deserve it - don't be frightened angel.

10. You need to stop. Stand still a little while, stop thinking (it's making you worse), have a wash, something to eat - your stomach is upset because you're not eating properly, so eat something little and often. Have a hot sweet drink, open a window and breathe in the fresh air. Do what you can out of that list hun then sit down and make that phone call. Forget about everyone else, you have to do this for yourself and now. You need to stop thinking and give yourself a little time. It's time to look after Miroslav. It mustn't all be about this young woman, angel - that's not the real issue - you want help so much and now it's time for you and your pain to get that help. It's never too late - 30?! I've got ten years on you so does that mean I've got no hope?

Well hun, i don't know what you'll end up doing. We're not professonals and you need professional advice. I've posted to you my honest feelings - I don't think it would be fair just to tell you what I think you want to hear. I've done the best I can and I hope you'll follow the advice angel - but it's up to you Miroslav. It doesn't have to end in another tragedy.
Best wishes, Tiff x

Tiff_2

Hi flis, feeling good, rose, slayerx, bettyboop, muffin, miroslav, CCCstar, dora saz, bunny, razor and the whole gang.

Everyone seems really low at the moment. While we may have similar thoughts/feelings as someone else, their remedy has to be individual. I'm sorry if my post to Miroslav has upset him or anyone else. I won't lie to anyone and IMHO, he needs to concentrate on getting the help first. I do wish him well.
Feeling good - I'm sorry you've felt so low too.
Rose, we're all here for you angel. Hoping your ok and will get to GP today.
Wishing you good stuff
For all the times that the mental health help gets it wrong, there are more times when they get it right. We have to remember there are hundreds of kinds of help and you WILL find the right one - but you have to see the professionals and persevere.
Flis - so glad your day was great - is this where I get to say 'I told you so!'?! :rotfl:
Tiff's off for a nap - not sleeping good, not feeling great myself :rolleyes:
I do care about everyone's posts and I will try to get to them later. For those who know how much they're hurting PLEASE contact your CMHT, CPN or GP urgently. This thread is a survivor's thread.
Be kind to yourselves guys. Much loveTiff xxx

jellycat40

Thanks Tiff you talk a lot of sense.

feelinggood you sound like me!! except my OH is too protective of me. Reads on the net about depression and always trying to fix me. He asks me how I am 40 times a day.

Louise

feelinggood_2

Hey Guys,
Feeling a little better today, things just got on top of me yesterday.
Relationship problems, I've lost someone very close to me and I'm trying to cope with that.
I confessed to OH how low I'm feeling, and instead of support (which I really need) he stays up till 4am drinking, talking about how he can't cope and he feels awful when I'm depressed. I asked him if I should lie and not tell him when I'm down, and he said he'd appreciate that. I get the feeling he resents me being ill, as it means I don't do any housework. I should be able to talk to him, but I can't at all. I talked about self-harm with him the other day, just in a round-about sort of way, and he said if I ever cut myself again, he'd have me sectioned. Not the best thing to say to someone who is terrified of being sectioned!
We've got to go to Germany next week for his work, and I'm getting great urges to run off when I'm over there - when things get rough I just want to pack my bags. I'd walk of the face of the earth if I had the guts to.
I've thought about walking out, and I've thought about ending things. If I didn't feel guilty I think I would go through with it. I posted on another forum, and a lot of people said that no matter how bad a person you are, someone will still miss you. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, but its starting to look like the pain I feel just being alive is worse than the pain I'd cause those around me. I feel awful and crazy for thinking all these things, but its like I can't stop my mind going to all these dark places. Ordered some new kitchen knives with my tesco shop, the guy messed up and sent craft knives. This was back when I was well, and seeing as they were only a quid I just stuck them in a drawer and thought no more about it. Now I'm feeling like this its as if they are calling me. If I was single, and no one would know, I'd be cutting right now. Just hoping I can find the strength from somewhere.
Don't know what to do really, I'm at a complete loss.
I'm still fighting, but I feel like giving up.