depression

Sazbo

blinky wrote:

Hope it goes well with 'S' and try not to get wound up too much before hand.

Hope everybody sleeps well, I've got a lot of catching up on the posts tomorrow.

I wouldn't have said tonight was a 'hot' date - it went well and we both enjoyed ourselves, but I don't think it was as good as Thursday. Probably a number of things but all largely due to me .

As I'm nowhere near well it takes quite a lot of me when I'm out multiple nights in a row - I was falling asleep in the cinema. It was another busy day at work (more unpaid overtime) and so I was tired before we went out and given we were out the night before there wasn't much to talk about so I was a little quieter and 'R' did pick up on that.

Normally we can chat for hours but to be honest Im not the best at starting conversations and thats one of the things I like about being with her. I think it's partly a confidence thing and partly because people say I'm a good listener (not sure myself). I am better at joining in once somebody has started a topic and I can talk about most things.

I was fretting a bit because I'd picked the restaurant for the food although I hadn't been there before - I feel too conspicuous going in for a meal for 1 . Well to be honest I feel conspicuous doing many things by myself e.g. going to cinema, play, watching live comedy - I just feel everyone can spot I'm by myself and there all laughing at the sad loner (a bit paranoid but I'm a sensitive guy too ).

Anyway food was very good, although the decor and music were a bit odd. We went to see the Michael Caine / Christian Bale / Hugh Jackman film Prestige. A good film I won't spoil it but I'd worked out half of the film by the end. 'R' enjoyed it too which makes me feel better.

Meeting up on Sunday night to watch a DVD. Just taking it slowly and making the most of it. Part of me knows she could do so much better than me though...:undecided

Anyway, I hoped I haven't bored you to death here. I hope it's given a bit more insight into me and maybe into yourselves.

Sleep well everyone and I'll catch up with you all tomorrow

Take care,

Paul xxxx

Hi Paul,

Well, since I'm sat here typing this reply, I assume that means you haven't bored me to death Hope you got a good sleep and can look back on your evening with R with renewed perspective. Sounded like a nice evening to me, and not at all like she was spending it with you because there wasn't anyone better available at the time - I'd give yourself far more credit than that hun As you say, one day at a time is the best strategy, particularly since you are still in the process of getting well.

Hope you have a good Saturday and then a nice evening with R tomorrow.

Sx

blinky

Bunnie1982 wrote:

Good morning errrr afternoon all, I think it's a sign that I am sleeping better.

Still enjoying my new job, I had a marriage proposal from an 82 year old man yesterday and a lady tell me how polite I was.

I have a little confession to make about my job, I am working for an internal debt collector of a local company, but mainly my job is coming to payment arrangements with customers, setting up payment plans and taking payments over the telephone. I have only done it for a week and I feel really confident, I got 100% in my quality check yesterday and have been told by managers I conduct myself in a professional manner.

My team leader doesn't believe that I am a naturally shy person as she says I appear to be really confident.

I even feel more motivated in terms of hobbies and had a go at indoor bowls on Thursday night with my husband, turns out I played excellent for my first attempt, although my leg really aches now from stepping forward on it, lol. It was great because I had loads of people watching and giving me encouragement.

Also excited at the moment because it is my birthday on Monday and hubby is upstairs wrapping my presents. Having a small party tonight too with my family which will be fab.

For the first time in my life I can cope with mess too, the house is a bit untidy and I am not tearing my hair out over it.

All sounds good :j Glad things are looking up

It's not that uncommon to be or seem confident in one area e.g. work but feel unconfident. I know myself that a lot of the things I do at work I have confidence in those abilities and so do other people. Unfortunately at the moment I'm the only person people have confidence in.

blinky

Kimmywim wrote:

well here goes, I am just gonna type now and don't know when I am going to stop, so I apologize in advance!

I don't know if I have depression or not but I just need to talk to someone I don't "know" about it, (does that make sense?), anyway I don't want to go to the doctors because then that means that I have failed, that something is wrong and I don't want there to be anything wrong because I just want to be and feel "normal" .

All I do is shout and swear at my husband and I am driving him away, but he is so supportive of me and I just can't seem to stop myself, its like I have so much Anger and rage inside me I can't control myself and start screaming at him, about verything and anything. We have no money at all , ok so we have enough to feed us and to live on but nothing extra at all, I can't take my daughter to toddler group/swimming, i don't know how we are meant to afford christmas etc and I just can't face going out of the house, i don't bother getting dressed most days (whats the point? )

My husband is currently on a secondment, which he doesn't get any extra money from until he has passed this course, he was meant to finish mid Novemer, but now he can't finish til after January and its like they keep moving the goalposts. he commutes 5 hours a day so I feel like I never see him, and our kids too, if something is wrong at his store he is expected to drop everything and go to work. on his days off he spends the morning in bed cos he is so knackered. I feel like i just cannot cope at home at all, i have a 2 year old and a 11 week old, and they r so good, but the slightest thing they do wrong especially my 2 year old, and I just shout at them, agaon, i just can't seem to control myself. The one thing that really písses me off is everyone saying, "oh your doing so well,", "oh look at Kim isn't she doing well", Sorry but no , I am not doing well, in fact I can't cope at atll, but cheers for falling for my "happy" face, is what I feel like saying to them.

Another thing, is my mum died 5 days befoe I gave birth to my 11 week old daughter, we always had such a volatile relationship, but the last couple of months were ok, we got on ok, and now I just think, thanks mum for dying on me, you missed Sophie being born, you will never see Amy grow up, and I blame her for dying?, she was very ill (mentally and physically ) but noone ever thought she would die, least of all me, and I feel such a !!!!! feeling this way.


everything in my life seems to go wrong, little petty things like stubbing my toe on the same doorframe everyday,really really get to me, I am so clumsy and I can't keep on top of the housework, I am so disorganised and I am such a failure, honestly if you could see the state of my house you would be ashamed. Its not that its dirty, there is just shíte everywhere, I just don't know what to do with it, my whole life is filled with junk.

I also feel so fat and ugly, I am 6 foot 1 inch tall and used to be sooo skinny and now i weigh nearly 17 stone, i am just a big hulk, but i have absolutely no motivation to lose weight, i have obscene stretchmarks all over my stomach, legs and breasts and scars from abdominal surgery and a bellybutton hernia, so I just look like a mess. Because of this I have no confidence at all, i used t love going out and now I absolutely hate it, if we do have to go anywhere I have to make sure its sitiing in a corner hiding away .

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I wonder if everything would be better if I wasn't here, because I am such a waste of space.


well thanks for reading, i am sitting here crying , now trying to find the energy to make my little girls lunch, sorry for moaning and for the "me,me,me" post, i just really needed to let it all out, i'm sorry if this is the wrong place.

Kim

Hi Kim, :hello:

Thanks for the post, long posts are common here (just look at some of mine ). It does help to get these things off your chest and this thread is a good place to do it.

Don't worry about going to see your G.P. You have NOT FAILED if you go to see them for help, I know it's not easy but it's worth a try.

I am not medically qualified so I can't say if what your feeling is depression but it sounds like there is an awful lot of stress in your life at the moment.

I know finances are a struggle, have you looked into possiblity of some assistance toward childcare ? Might be worth asking your GP or nurse about this as it would reduce some of the stress on you.

Would it be possible to have a friend or family member baby sit whether it be daytime or evening? I know people can feel guilty for asking for this but you need some 'me' time. It might be an idea to arrange some baby sitting when your husband's home so you can spend some quality time together.

Hope this helps.

Paul
xxx

Sazbo

Kimmywim wrote:

well here goes, I am just gonna type now and don't know when I am going to stop, so I apologize in advance!

I don't know if I have depression or not but I just need to talk to someone I don't "know" about it, (does that make sense?), anyway I don't want to go to the doctors because then that means that I have failed, that something is wrong and I don't want there to be anything wrong because I just want to be and feel "normal" .

All I do is shout and swear at my husband and I am driving him away, but he is so supportive of me and I just can't seem to stop myself, its like I have so much Anger and rage inside me I can't control myself and start screaming at him, about verything and anything. We have no money at all , ok so we have enough to feed us and to live on but nothing extra at all, I can't take my daughter to toddler group/swimming, i don't know how we are meant to afford christmas etc and I just can't face going out of the house, i don't bother getting dressed most days (whats the point? )

My husband is currently on a secondment, which he doesn't get any extra money from until he has passed this course, he was meant to finish mid Novemer, but now he can't finish til after January and its like they keep moving the goalposts. he commutes 5 hours a day so I feel like I never see him, and our kids too, if something is wrong at his store he is expected to drop everything and go to work. on his days off he spends the morning in bed cos he is so knackered. I feel like i just cannot cope at home at all, i have a 2 year old and a 11 week old, and they r so good, but the slightest thing they do wrong especially my 2 year old, and I just shout at them, agaon, i just can't seem to control myself. The one thing that really písses me off is everyone saying, "oh your doing so well,", "oh look at Kim isn't she doing well", Sorry but no , I am not doing well, in fact I can't cope at atll, but cheers for falling for my "happy" face, is what I feel like saying to them.

Another thing, is my mum died 5 days befoe I gave birth to my 11 week old daughter, we always had such a volatile relationship, but the last couple of months were ok, we got on ok, and now I just think, thanks mum for dying on me, you missed Sophie being born, you will never see Amy grow up, and I blame her for dying?, she was very ill (mentally and physically ) but noone ever thought she would die, least of all me, and I feel such a !!!!! feeling this way.


everything in my life seems to go wrong, little petty things like stubbing my toe on the same doorframe everyday,really really get to me, I am so clumsy and I can't keep on top of the housework, I am so disorganised and I am such a failure, honestly if you could see the state of my house you would be ashamed. Its not that its dirty, there is just shíte everywhere, I just don't know what to do with it, my whole life is filled with junk.

I also feel so fat and ugly, I am 6 foot 1 inch tall and used to be sooo skinny and now i weigh nearly 17 stone, i am just a big hulk, but i have absolutely no motivation to lose weight, i have obscene stretchmarks all over my stomach, legs and breasts and scars from abdominal surgery and a bellybutton hernia, so I just look like a mess. Because of this I have no confidence at all, i used t love going out and now I absolutely hate it, if we do have to go anywhere I have to make sure its sitiing in a corner hiding away .

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I wonder if everything would be better if I wasn't here, because I am such a waste of space.


well thanks for reading, i am sitting here crying , now trying to find the energy to make my little girls lunch, sorry for moaning and for the "me,me,me" post, i just really needed to let it all out, i'm sorry if this is the wrong place.

Kim

Hi Kim, thanks for posting. It does sound to me as though things are getting on top of you a bit. It is not wrong to feel the way you do. But I strongly urge you to go for a chat with your GP; doing so does not mean you are a failure at all. On the contrary it's the very best thing you can do for yourself. It's the only way you will determine what's at the root of how you are feeling - whether it be depression, or something else, or indeed a combination of things. And do raise everything that you've mentioned here with them - the difficulty coping, the sadness and the anger - that way you give yourself the best chance of starting on the path to healing. Stay strong Kim and big hugs, Saz x

Sazbo

Bunnie1982 wrote:

Good morning errrr afternoon all, I think it's a sign that I am sleeping better.

Still enjoying my new job, I had a marriage proposal from an 82 year old man yesterday and a lady tell me how polite I was.

I have a little confession to make about my job, I am working for an internal debt collector of a local company, but mainly my job is coming to payment arrangements with customers, setting up payment plans and taking payments over the telephone. I have only done it for a week and I feel really confident, I got 100% in my quality check yesterday and have been told by managers I conduct myself in a professional manner.

My team leader doesn't believe that I am a naturally shy person as she says I appear to be really confident.

I even feel more motivated in terms of hobbies and had a go at indoor bowls on Thursday night with my husband, turns out I played excellent for my first attempt, although my leg really aches now from stepping forward on it, lol. It was great because I had loads of people watching and giving me encouragement.

Also excited at the moment because it is my birthday on Monday and hubby is upstairs wrapping my presents. Having a small party tonight too with my family which will be fab.

For the first time in my life I can cope with mess too, the house is a bit untidy and I am not tearing my hair out over it.

Fantastic news bunnie!!! :j :j Glad to hear things are going well for you, you desreve it. And I shall be cheering your good health on monday - enjoy your birthday hun xxx

Kimmywim

Sazbo wrote:

I strongly urge you to go for a chat with your GP; doing so does not mean you are a failure at all.

.

"I know finances are a struggle, have you looked into possiblity of some assistance toward childcare ? Might be worth asking your GP or nurse about this as it would reduce some of the stress on you.

Would it be possible to have a friend or family member baby sit whether it be daytime or evening? I know people can feel guilty for asking for this but you need some 'me' time. It might be an idea to arrange some baby sitting when your husband's home so you can spend some quality time together."


Hi Sazbo, thanks for replying, I can't think ofanything worse than seeing my doctor, long story but I feel in some way he was resposonsible for my mums death, the only other person, i would feel ok about speaking to is my Health visitor, but then I would just feel bad, because, I have lied to her all this time about how I am feeling. but I just really really don't want find out that maybe there is something wrong with me, and then trying to explain to people, everyone knows me as a happy, bubbly, confident person, I just couldn't face them knowing otherwise.

thanks Paul, sorry couldn't work out how to quote twice, so copied and pasted, my MIL at the moment does babysit for us sometimes and she loves doing it, but I don't want her to have to babysit when My hubby is here as then thats even less time that he is seeing them. Also sometimes she really annoys me and I sometimes don't want her to babysit, as I feel she takes over and exagerates thing that they do, to make me feel jealous, e.g, "Oh wow, Sophie said her first word, whilst she was with me", er no I don't think she did!, plus I really miss them when she babysits, because they tend to stay round her house as she lives quite a way away, oh I'm rambling now sorry.



Kim

Sazbo

Kimmywim wrote:

.

"I know finances are a struggle, have you looked into possiblity of some assistance toward childcare ? Might be worth asking your GP or nurse about this as it would reduce some of the stress on you.

Would it be possible to have a friend or family member baby sit whether it be daytime or evening? I know people can feel guilty for asking for this but you need some 'me' time. It might be an idea to arrange some baby sitting when your husband's home so you can spend some quality time together."


Hi Sazbo, thanks for replying, I can't think ofanything worse than seeing my doctor, long story but I feel in some way he was resposonsible for my mums death, the only other person, i would feel ok about speaking to is my Health visitor, but then I would just feel bad, because, I have lied to her all this time about how I am feeling. but I just really really don't want find out that maybe there is something wrong with me, and then trying to explain to people, everyone knows me as a happy, bubbly, confident person, I just couldn't face them knowing otherwise.

thanks Paul, sorry couldn't work out how to quote twice, so copied and pasted, my MIL at the moment does babysit for us sometimes and she loves doing it, but I don't want her to have to babysit when My hubby is here as then thats even less time that he is seeing them. Also sometimes she really annoys me and I sometimes don't want her to babysit, as I feel she takes over and exagerates thing that they do, to make me feel jealous, e.g, "Oh wow, Sophie said her first word, whilst she was with me", er no I don't think she did!, plus I really miss them when she babysits, because they tend to stay round her house as she lives quite a way away, oh I'm rambling now sorry.



Kim

You could try making an appointment with a different GP - perhaps talking to a doctor not involved with what's happened previously might help? Another option that might be worth exploring is counselling, which may just give you the opportunity to work through all the issues you have touched on here, in a supportive and structured way, without feeling there's some 'wrong' with you. Give it some thought and best of luck hun, Sx

Miroslav

'S' has applied for a flat in a town about an hour away, saying too many bad memories in our town and she has nothing to stay for.

Great, another one bites the dust! I must mean a great deal to her!

Sazbo

Miroslav wrote:

'S' has applied for a flat in a town about an hour away, saying too many bad memories in our town and she has nothing to stay for.

Great, another one bites the dust! I must mean a great deal to her!

I'm sorry to hear this Miro. My opinion, for what it's worth: it doesn't automatically indicate that you don't mean anything to her, but maybe from where she's standing, and how she feels about the past, that this is what she needs to do, for her own sanity. Now, obviously I cannot judge the relative merits of that decision, as I don't know her. What I would say is that it's likely not an 'either/or' decision for her, but more a case of what is causing her the most pain or hurt in her life and how that needs to be addressed.

I know this reply isn't going to alter how you feel, but believe me I couldn't be more sorry about that. Love, Saz xx

blinky

Kimmywim wrote:

.

thanks Paul, sorry couldn't work out how to quote twice, so copied and pasted, my MIL at the moment does babysit for us sometimes and she loves doing it, but I don't want her to have to babysit when My hubby is here as then thats even less time that he is seeing them. Also sometimes she really annoys me and I sometimes don't want her to babysit, as I feel she takes over and exagerates thing that they do, to make me feel jealous, e.g, "Oh wow, Sophie said her first word, whilst she was with me", er no I don't think she did!, plus I really miss them when she babysits, because they tend to stay round her house as she lives quite a way away, oh I'm rambling now sorry.

Kim

Don't worry about the quoting thing.

Yes, I know many parents find it difficult to use babysitters as they feel guilty and miss the children. However, it really sounds like you need some me time and I also think that it would help if you could get some quality time with your husband.

Sounds to me as if the MIL is besotted with the children and just want to tell you what she has experienced with them. Nothing wrong with that (I'm a bit softie when it comes to kids too) but with your stress levels it just irks you.

Hang in there. :grouphug: