Your take on having children later in life?

pickle

Only just checked the thread again. Thanks Jellyhead, its not intrusive. I think i've been delaying seeking treatment and the doctor never mentions anything. So i've kind of let it lie. I think the miscarriage scared me and i'm a bit worried it might happen again as i felt very helpless and uninformed during the whole thing, which made me imagine what childbirth must be like! Then again it made me determined that if i should get pregnant i would like to have a home birth rather than be left in a waiting room somewhere. There's no reason i know of that should complicate things, ie. no diagnosis of anything that should stop me getting pregnant. I use the ovulation sticks but without success. It probably is time that i talked with the doctor about it and got a referral somewhere. Your story about how you became pregnant is very up-lifting, i'm especially thinking of a friend of mine who has Poly-cyctic ovaries and has already decided that she won't be able to have children. Obviously, it is a possibility. It was a bit of a shock from getting pregnant in one month to not being able to at all in a couple of years. I haven't had a scan so maybe that would help determine it. I'll have to look into it.

westernpromise

Dormouse wrote:

That's a pretty gloomy view, isn't it? I do agree, it is the biggest change in your life, but surely it's not all bad?

It's certainly not all bad, but nobody should underestimate the impact. I went from 1 income, no dependents, and a very comfortable lifestyle - 2 winter beach holidays a year, shopping at Armani, eating out 3 times a week, £25k classic car - to 1 income, 2 dependents, and poverty as bad as any I can remember in my life.

Holidays are weekends away in cheap hotels, new clothes once a year in the sales if then, if we eat out it's at Pizza Express, and we drive a clapped-out £400 Hyundai.

That is what one may be signing up for. Better be mentally prepared for it.

an overwhelming sense of pride, love and belonging together when you and the father of your child look at your own little sleeping munchkin and know that you share a bond like no other.

I am led to believe that I am the father of my child :-p

If you're the main wage earner, and have spent 10 years getting used to being fairly prosperous, then the shock of being set back 20 years financially is pretty intense. You are in effect signing up for another 20 years of getting up and going to work in order to hand every single penny over to someone else. I no longer care what income tax rates are because I pay 100% on every £ I earn.

My circumstances are unusual because we had known each other for only 2 months when she got pregnant (forgot her pill...twice). We instinctively wanted to keep the baby, and she is beyond adorable, but we never had the luxury of deciding when and whether to do this. One moment you have a new girlfriend, the next you're going to be a parent.

It cements us together and makes life interesting, but I would like to have had the chance to think about how the other half would handle being a mother, and how I would handle being a father, given all the above. Some mental preparation was called for but didn't happen. I feel off-balance in every way.

We are where we are.

jellyhead

having kids is great, i agree with dormouse but i suppose if it's not what you really want and you only do it because your parents want grandchildren and everyone tells you your biological clock is ticking then the gloomy and pessimistic view is what you're more likely to feel i suppose. having children is a big change in your life and i think you really have to want it. post natal depression is more likely if you're not happy so i think it's best to wait until you want children even if that means you're in your 30's.

pickle, not everyone with PCOS can get pregnant but many can. i know 7 women with it and 2 of them have never concieved, they've had it since childhood. sometimes a bit of treatment is necessary, not always IVF. it might be just taking clomid to make you ovulate. ovulation tests don't work well for women with PCOS because the LH hormone is often very high so the tests can't detect a surge. blood tests can tell you if you're ovulating, if you're not then taking clomid might help. some women also start to ovulate while on metformin, it's a drug for type 2 diabetes and has to be prescribed by a consultant to be used with PCOS. a scan would also see if you are ovulating and see if your ovaries are covered in cysts. sometimes a simple operation can restore ovulation, they can cut a little bit of ovary out, i have no idea why that works though (i think it's called wedge resection) or there's ovarian drilling, also called diathermy where they burn away some cysts as the cysts produce their own hormones so getting rid of them might reduce your hormones to normal levels. i think the consultant did a bit of that while she was treating my endometriosis during the laparoscopy. if you're overweight then losing a bit (5% of your bodyweight is often enough) can kickstart ovulation. some women with PCOS are very obese so taking weight loss drugs such as xenical can help.

sorry i've babbled. the unfortunate thing is that of the 7 women i know with PCOS only 3 have seen a consultant and have any idea about any of these tests. the others were just put on the pill by their GP and have no idea that there are options for increasing their fertility. some consultants are reluctant to give treatment to women who are over a certain age or are obese so it's best to start seeking treatment sooner rather than later. i started at age 30 though, i still don't think anyone should worry about their fertility before they feel mentally ready to have children.

Milky_Mocha

westernpromise wrote:

Nothing prepares you for the impact on your life. Literally nothing. You get caught up in the novelty of it all and as the dust settles you look around yourself and realise that your life is not your life any more. Basically, think of everything that you do now that's fun, and kiss it all goodbye. No more holidays, no cinemas, no meals out, no new cars, no lie ins at the weekend, no going to the gym, no protracted hairdos, no shopping for nice clothes, interrupted sleep, an end to your love life for a couple of years probably, in fact no spontaneous anything really. Lots of conflict and intrusive free advice from the grandparents too.

You have to really really want all this to put up with it all.

I was 39, the missus was 43, and we'd known each other 5 weeks when she got pregnant. Oddly enough, we are still an item. The kid herself is beyond adorable.

Don’t give way to peer pressure, and remember that hormones are what nature uses to remove your intellect from the decision process.

Are you under 30? You're just a baby yourself. Be aware though that your fertility has been declining since you were about 19. To leave this until you're 35 may mean you have 1 at 38 and a second at 41.

I was thinking all of the above but was too chicken to put it quite like that as I thought it would sound too harsh. You certainly don't mince words, westernpromise! Yes I'm in my mid-to late twenties and although I've done the things I want to do in life, I'm not finished yet and so am in selfish mode at the moment. Luckily the other half feels exactly the same way. He said hang on let me get all my toys before the kids come along. Toys being splashing out on home cinema system and other gadgets plus the holidays etc.

Hadrian

My advice has always been to have them as early as you can. When I had my two girls, at 20 and 22, I used to say they'd be gone while I was still young enough to enjoy my freedom. That's what happened. When they were teenagers I had enough energy to combat (and it was!) their wayward behavior. How anybody over say 50 can discipline teenagers is quite beyond me. Possibly this is a reason why so many children these days are ill-disciplined as their parents simply haven't the energy to continually confront them.
I would remind every propective parent that each year they delay having children will increase their problems with them when they are teenagers. Putting off having children before a new car, carpet or a holiday only diminishes what they will think of their children when they decide to have them. (My car, carpet, holiday came before them) I expect paroxisms of anger having said that but it's said from experience, have them when you're young, when you can go out with them and they not feel embarrased at being with a 'wrinkly'.

s@sha

Hadrian wrote:

How anybody over say 50 can discipline teenagers is quite beyond me. Possibly this is a reason why so many children these days are ill-disciplined as their parents simply haven't the energy to continually confront them.

I don't really agree with that view. 50 is hardly old, especially in this age of better nutrition, better health care & increased lifespans. Have we forgotten that in the days before birth control, many more children were born to parents well into their 30's and 40's, and it was quite normal. The idea that a modern, averagely fit 50-year old is too decrepit to instil discipline seems a bit ageist.

jellyhead

i agree, i have an aunt in her 40's who has children ranging from 19 to 2 and she's a great mum, certainly strict enough. my mum is 50 and disciplines her grandchildren. sorry to sound ageist but i think that young parents don't have the maturity to be able to discipline intelligently, it's always the young parents you see hitting their children and screaming at them in supermarkets. children of older parents tend to be more polite and well behaved, it was the same when i was young too.

westernpromise

jellyhead wrote:

it's always the young parents you see hitting their children and screaming at them in supermarkets.

Now you mention it, that is exactly right. I had never noticed that before!

Ours is just 2 but I have to say I cannot imagine ever hitting her. She bursts into tears if I so much as scold her. If her mother scolds her she just laughs. Do I have a daddy's girl here? I sure hope so.

She may grow up lacking discipline, but she'll never want for free financial advice...

westernpromise

Milky_Mocha wrote:

I'm not finished yet and so am in selfish mode at the moment. Luckily the other half feels exactly the same way. He said hang on let me get all my toys before the kids come along.

It sounds like you are very well paired up. You're right and so is he. Just don't let him buy the "toys" on tick :-)

Do all that stuff rather than risk feeling you missed out. Dosh spent on yourselves and on making memories is never wasted.

The little things can wear you down - not being able to slob around reading the papers on a Sunday, for instance; not being able to open a bottle of wine at home midweek because you know you'll be up attending to the little 'un while you're sleeping it off. Being a parent is remarkably like being a kid, in a lot of ways. I appreciate mine more these days.

There are only 2 things I've never done that I wanted to do. One was 2 weeks in a Mogul palace in India. A number of them have been converted into really fabulous spa hotels. With all the jabs needed, no way can you take kids there. The other was a trip on the far eastern Orient Express - Bangkok to Singapore on a train; 3 days of disgraceful luxury. Those will have to wait.

tightgit_2

Hadrian wrote:

My advice has always been to have them as early as you can. When I had my two girls, at 20 and 22, I used to say they'd be gone while I was still young enough to enjoy my freedom. That's what happened. When they were teenagers I had enough energy to combat (and it was!)

Maybe if you had had them when you were more mature maybe it wouldn't have been such a battle.

I think that older parents tend to have more time for their kids. They have had chance to have their own life and do exciting things which they can then share with their kids. Chosing to have a family when you are ready makes you less likely to resent the changes that you have to make.

Most people I know who had kids young are still trying to have their own lives at the same time. Yes you can travel with kids, have the odd night out here and there, but it's not as free as before you have kids, at the end of the day you always have to consider their needs before your own.

It makes me laugh when I hear people say "I want to be young enough to be able to go to disco's with my kids". Why would any kid in their right mind want their parents, whatever age they may be tagging along with them to a club? How uncool would that be :eek: