Your take on having children later in life?

Milky_Mocha

I’m not talking about having kids in your forties or anything like that.

I’m referring to delaying the birth of a first child till you’re thirty or so.

I’m married and in my mid to late twenties (prime of my life, I think but that’s just me). Many of my peers are having kids and more are getting married etc.

Almost all of them had kids straight away and some have had a third! They can’t seem to understand when I say I’m not interested in having kids until I’m thirty (or very close to it). It’s quite amusing to hear them moaning one moment about how stressful it is with children and how expensive everything is, they hardly go out anymore, sleepless nights, the list is endless. Then the next moment they are bugging me to ‘go on, have your kids now before its too late! They’re such a joy to have!’

Whenever the hubby and I go off on holiday the remarks we get from them on our return make me laugh like how sure we can spare the time to just jet off somewhere without having to worry about the expense of taking the kids along or who to leave the kids with if. I only laugh because I know they’d shortly be trying to encourage us to have kids asap anyway.

Anyway, my rationale is that we’d rather spend our hard earned money on us without having to ‘share’ time, money, patience etc with children just yet because once they arrive, they’re there for life. I’d rather get to a point in my career where I become indispensable by my employer, and be guaranteed excellent maternity leave terms, and my job back after a long career/maternity break. I didn’t study my degrees just to chuck them into Pampers without gaining the benefit. Besides once I have kids I’d like to delay a return to work as much as possible.

I’d rather have kids after I move into my idea of ‘my dream home’ which is nothing special – just ideal for our choosy preferences such that we do not think of moving again until we retire.

I love kids and we give our under 12’s relations a treat very often – and then give them back!

Some say it’s a question of health – the younger you are the healthier for baby and you. I believe so long as the diet and exercise routine are in check, age 30 is ideal.

So what do others think? Am I just an annoying selfish twenty-something or is there some logic to my thinking?

tiff

I dont think 30 is late, but I think if you leave it until your late 30's it might be leaving it too late. Not that you cant get pregnant at that age, but more women have problems conceiving the longer they leave it.

I do think though that you can get caught up in the trappings of life, ie you want a better house, career etc and not really think about what life is really about. You really cant plan anything regarding pregnancy as there is always something round the corner - the next thing on the list of must haves, redundancy, illness etc etc this isnt meant to sound pessimistic, just realistic. There is never a perfect time to have a baby and if you do have a baby now you will adapt, you will cope, you will find a way to get the things you want.

At the end of the day its entirely your decision, dont feel pressured from your friends.

plumpmouse

It's just a personal desicison that no-one else can make for you.

I was 22 when I had my son (23 now, hubby is 33). It was just the right time for us. We started trying after we married but it took us 18 months so we had actually been married 2 years when he came along. We want another asap but unfortunatly we don't control the situation and it may be a little while yet before we manage it!!!!


There is nothing wrong in waiting. The perfect time to have a baby is when your both ready. Do agree with the house issue. We are settled in a lovely house that neither of  us want to move from.

I do feel slightly different about the job debate. I believe I have done it the right way round for me. I have just got a new job (2 days a week ) working in a hospital pharmacy. They have taken me on as a long term plan rather than short term. They know I want more children but they can see that in future I will build my career and return to full time work. I am lucky in the sense that hubby is a teacher so I will never have to worry about who will look after kids in school holidays.

Anyhow I'm rambling now so I'll stop.

As long as you and your husband are happy it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Take care and good luck whatever the  future brings

Squidgy

I agree you should never feel pressured. Just remember it gets harder to have babies as you get older and the risks of having downs babies etc increases.

However, my mother had me when she was 30 (I'm now nearly 24), and the only problem she had was the fact that she was the oldest woman on the ward!

I had my daughter when I was 21, and my husband and I got married last year, we were already living together.

The benefits of having em young are you have more time to enjoy them (and possibly more energy!), and lots of time to have more!

You might think you are sure what you want now, but after you've had a child everything changes.

Squidgy x

VickyA_2

So what do others think? Am I just an annoying selfish twenty-something or is there some logic to my thinking?

If you are, then so am I! I don't think that it really matters when you have children (to a certain extent, not overly convinced by having them in your late 40s), just so long as you know the implications. I'm 25, just re-training as a teacher and I want to establish a career before I have children. That's my plan at the moment, but these things do change - being a woman it's a perogative to change your mind! ;D

My friends have "started" to get married, and talk about having children. I don't feel ready yet, but then again, are most people ever "ready"?

Personally, I would go with the flow. Do it when you and your partner feel that it's right for you. At the moment, relish the practice that you're getting with other people's children before giving them back!

Sweetcheeks_3

I found having a baby in my 30s was far harder than in my 20s. My husband coped better with a baby in his 30s than he did in his 20s. I think its personal choice, but dont forget, your biological clock is ticking away. If there is a problem with your or your husbands fertility you havent got an extra 10 years to get things 'sorted'.

Spendless

I didn't meet my husband until i was 30. I lost my first baby at 31 due to him having a problem with his lymphatic system .
I went on to have two healthy children at 33 and 36. The eldest is a livewire who tires me out (but he'd probably tire most 19 year olds out too ::)) but my daughter is a lot calmer.

I'd agree with the others have a family when you feel ready.

You have mentioned a dream home though. Would you be able to afford this on one salary if you wished to be a SAHM?

Children are always more expensive than you think they're going to be. ::)

Jay-Jay_4

I'm 30 this year and I can guarantee that I don't feel any older than I did was I was 20. I don't think that when you hit a certain age you suddenly feel older or old enough to have children.

If you want to wait... wait! If you're not ready for children yet then don't just do it for the sake of it. It can be tough going and it makes it easier if you really want it.

I had my first at 24 and my second last year... I wish now that I'd had my career first but at the time I wanted babies.... I love them and wouldn't change it for the world but that's because I REALLY REALLY wanted them.

(I'm waffling...I know ::))

You'll know yourself when the time's right

Milky_Mocha

Thanks everyone. I don't feel so selfish anymore. I'm loving things the way they are now but who knows? Next year by this time I could be v v broody!

I'm glad to hear from all you with kids that everything is as you want it. Some of my friends are really struggling. I'll go with the flow and hope that when I am ready I don't end up waiting 18 months!

Spendless

Milky Mocha - i should have mentioned each time I conceived (3 times in total) in my 30s i was pregnant in the first month each time.

Best wishes

Savvy_Sue

Move to Surrey. There they raised the age for describing you as an 'elderly primagravida' (ie older than average for having your first baby so we'll look after you a bit better) to 30 - or maybe even 35? - because so few women were having babies any younger than that!

Mind you, bear in mind WHY that happened, possibly linked to exorbitant house prices etc!

Me, I married at 26 and didn't want children. Got broody, and had no. 1 at 32, no. 2 at 34 and no. 3 at 36. Absolutely shattered now, but I can't blame them entirely! Glad I didn't wait until I was any older.

You do need to work out your priorities for now and later with your partner. If he wants children now and you don't, it's a tension. If it's the other way round, likewise. But why people think they have the right to enquire about and comment on your plans in any case I'll never know: it can be very hurtful if you're trying but not conceiving, or know you can't, or are having investigations etc.

Absolutely do NOT have children unless YOU both really want them and are prepared to make some sacrifices while bringing them up - emotional, financial, mental, relational. You never pay up front with kids! It's a lifetime contract!