Your take on having children later in life?

Moose_2

Hi,
I had my son when I was 21 (unplanned) and my daughter at 26 (planned), my husband is eight and a half years older than me and this is the reason we probably won't have anymore. As I am only 28 and DH is nearly 37, he feels he is too old for us to have another baby. He doesn't want to be 50 with a 12 year old (which is how old a third child would be if I got pregnant now). I understand this. Likewise, Im glad I've had my children young as I don't want to be 35 having another baby. I like the fact that when Im 40, my son will be 19. I will hopefully be quite a cool Mum and have my son as a friend.

I had older parents. In school, some of my friends had parents that were at least 10 years younger than my folks. My Mum had my youngest Brother at 34 and has found it difficult to cope with him. She always said that she was from a different generation from him and would never be able to understand him. She is 56 now with a 22 year old man who still lives at home, who has been a complete pain in the butt. She is at an age where she should be enjoying her life, not having to cope with him and his problems.
When you decide to have children it will hopefully be planned and therefore the right time for yourselves.

H

s@sha

Moose wrote:

Hi,
As I am only 28 and DH is nearly 37, he feels he is too old for us to have another baby. He doesn't want to be 50 with a 12 year old (which is how old a third child would be if I got pregnant now). I understand this. Likewise, Im glad I've had my children young as I don't want to be 35 having another baby. I like the fact that when Im 40, my son will be 19. I will hopefully be quite a cool Mum and have my son as a friend.

H

I think a lot of it depends on your circumstances. If people have already had one or two (or more) children in their twenties & early thirties, I can see why they may not feel like more children, whatever their age.

At 37 & pregnant, I'm the same age as Moose's husband...so yes, I WILL be that 50-year-old parent with a 13-year-old. But personally, I'm very pleased about that, as I had to have IVF to concieve, and I'm afraid I didn't have the choice to have my child 5, 7 or even 10 years ago, when I originally started trying for a child. But overall,I'd rather be doing this now, than when I was , say 20 or 21 & feeling like all my friends were out having fun & I couldn't. I wouldn't have been ready. Now I'm more mature, I hope I'll be a better parent now than I would have been 10 years ago.

I don't feel old now, and I don't suppose when I'm 50 that I'll feel old either.

I don't think the age of the parents has much to do with whether the child turns out to be a 'pain in the butt'. My mum had her first child at 22 and the third (me ) at 34....and we were all fairly normal, no better or worse than any other children. My husband was brought up by his grandmother in her 60's as his mother wasn't able to look after him...loved her to bits & never worried that she was 'old'. My brother had his first at 25, and yet his two children in their twenties now think he's an 'old fossil'..but in a nice way, of course!

It seems to me that when children are little, they don't care about your age, they just want you to love them. And when they're teenagers, then you're never going to be cool because in their eyes anyone over 25 is 'past it', and their own parents especially.

pickle

You must be psychic Jellyhead. I was just thinking maybe it was the weight as after the miscarriage i put on a lot of weight and became unfit due to change in living circumstances, and it had just crossed my mind yesterday that maybe that's the reason i'm not conceiving. I find the ovulation sticks do work ok for me (ie. the line appears on it)! I've now lost 4kg so who knows it might be the reason behind it.

RCB28

I agree with Moose, everyone knows the right time for them but personally I'm glad I had my children in my twenties. My mom had me in her thirties and I was conscious she was older than other parents at the time.
Tightgit, I have to disagree with you. I know moms in their twenties, thirties and forties and they all vary in their abilities to cope depending on the child and their own temperament. I also know moms in their forties who had a long while to themselves before children and perhaps remember a little too well how good a socal life they had etc. I didn't miss out having mine at 23 and 25 (both planned), I was totally ready and therefore I don't see my children as a limitation on my life at all. (My husband and I don't just sit in the house and 'knit' in the evenings...well maybe just some nights haha!)
In summary, the timing is up to you, I personally wouldn't plan on having children past 35 because of all the risks and I don't want an adolescent child when I am menopausal (been there with my mom).

Js_Other_Half

RCB28 wrote:

.I personally wouldn't plan on having children past 35 because of all the risks and I don't want an adolescent child when I am menopausal (been there with my mom).

I can empathise, but my Mum was almost 27 when she had me, and hit the menopause when she was 40, just as I was going through puberty...not a nice few years!!

We can't plan for things like that too much?

tightgit_2

RCB28 wrote:

Tightgit, I have to disagree with you. I know moms in their twenties, thirties and forties and they all vary in their abilities to cope depending on the child and their own temperament.

Yes so do I and that's why I was disagreeing with Hadian's post.

RCB28 wrote:

I was totally ready and therefore I don't see my children as a limitation on my life at all. (My husband and I don't just sit in the house and 'knit' in the evenings...well maybe just some nights haha!)

Yes as I say it is best when you have children when your ready. My husband and I don't just sit in the house and 'knit' in the evenings either, so it just shows it doesn't matter how old you are!

jellyhead

it's difficult to predict the menopause, the women in my family don't get it before they're 50 though so i think my being 33 when this baby is born will mean it's had the worst of puberty before i hit my menopause. to be fair having PCOS means i'm a moody mare anyway, menopause will be nothing out of the ordinary lol! hubby's not moody so at least there will be one sane parent around during the teenage years :-)

pickle, good luck with it all. if you're ovulating that's great :-) fingers crossed for you. i know i argued on an old thread about that 66 year old having baby that i thought it was wrong but i think anyone of normal fertile age can be a great parent and age isn't really a factor. i think our school playground has equal numbers of women who had their children in their teens, twenties, thirties and 40's anyway, it's not rare to be an 'older' mum, it might have gone out of fashion for a time when contraception was available but before then everyone would have had children into their 40's anyway and it's becoming more popular to wait until at least 30 now.

allycat_3

I had my son at 35 and it is fab! (He's 9 now) I'm not interested in nights out with the girls anymore, and I don't feel as if I have missed out on anything. My patience is infinitely better and I have no regrets. You know when you are ready. It smacks you round the back of the head!!
Enjoy your time together
Allycat

pickle

My mother had me when she was 22. It wasn't planned and it was difficult to go through the ups and downs of her discovering herself and through two marriages. I think it depends upon the individual. Some people are mature and can handle children when they are young, others can't. I don't think I would have managed. In a way seeing my mother struggle put me off having children when i was young but being older has its challenges also. I think it also depends upon whether you have the support of a partner as to your ability to cope. I don't remember my mother having any difference in mood when she went through menopause. As a young woman I was probably too self-absorbed to really notice. As for risks, well you can test for them now. I mainly worry about what state the environment of the planet and the quality of life will be like in a few decades time.

HappySad

In terms of your social life.. I have never had it so good since having my child. I spent the first year getting my feet on the ground and finding out where the best services in my area where but now that I have.. I am having a really good social life & time with my child all at the same time.

Holidays.. who needs them when home life is so good. There is the hard graff of looking after your child; but the rewards so much over balance it out completely.

Using your skills from your degree/career on bringing up and looking after your child is not a waste at all. Why use your knowledge & skills to get some company boss/shareholders more money in their pocket, when you can use your skills & expertise on bring up a your child.

Your brain will not go dead being a mother. If you like to up your skills there are lotsn of books/courses (NVQ->degree)/web sites (including MSE) that you can use to read & study to teach you everything and more about being a mother & housewife. If you treat being a mother like any other job then you can see if in a different way.. at work you train, communicate/network with colleges, time mange, budget, work hard every day see how you can achieve more and more in less time.. same as being a mother.


Having said all this .. I would move to a bigger house then start a new family .. just so that I could provide a bedroom for the children. But if this meant waiting for years I would just go a head with it.

While you are waiting for the best time .. it would be good to start saving now so that you can take the longest maternity leave as your employer will let you. You could also look into now how you can use your career skills to work from home or part-time. You can also work on building up a local network for friends.. especially if you don't have family living near by. and also especially your friends with children.. as you can all support each other with friendship / advice / childcare / borrowing stuff/ also friendship for your child/children.

Your friends are all right about the things they moan about but the plus side is so greater. Once you hold your child in your arms for the first time you would have wondered why you waited all this time to have him/her.

I remember a college once said to me that "you know when someone really likes you and thinks a lot of you when they suggest that you have a child". And it is so true!!!!

Late mum at 34.... wish I had child at 27 but was with the wrong partner at the time so waiting until I found the right man.