Your take on having children later in life?

mrsdee

your friends are jealous, that's all. Dont feel pressurised and in fact you havent said that you actually WANT kids. Lots of people dont.

If you dont either, dont feel bad or feel you OUGHT to.

My husband has two children by first marriage (who we adore by the way), and we dont, by choice. There are plenty of children in our lives besides the two he/we has already.

Enjoy yourselves! Most relationships fail because of the strains and pressures of children and money worries.

If you want them, then have them, but when YOU want to - dont be dictated to... Think seriously about it - it's a big decision.

smashandgrab

we were married for a few year beore the time felt right. I had my first at 39 and in October had another one. I am 43. It just didn't seem right till then, although the down side to leaving it longer is the increased risk of Down's syndrome as you get older-even into your thirties. Also your fertility drops so conception can become more difficult. I did lose one between my two but that's water under the bridge. Go for what feels right. Enjoy life to the full. We had loads of great hlidays and thrive on the memories. now we have great holidays-they're just different! God luck whatever you do.

Milky_Mocha

mrsdee wrote:

your friends are jealous, that's all. Dont feel pressurised and in fact you havent said that you actually WANT kids. Lots of people dont.

If you dont either, dont feel bad or feel you OUGHT to.

My husband has two children by first marriage (who we adore by the way), and we dont, by choice. There are plenty of children in our lives besides the two he/we has already.

Enjoy yourselves! Most relationships fail because of the strains and pressures of children and money worries.

If you want them, then have them, but when YOU want to - dont be dictated to... Think seriously about it - it's a big decision.

I do want kids - just not anytime soon. definitely by the age of 32 - 35. Thanks for all the encouragement from all posters on this thread actually. In the meantime more holidays, outings and evenings alone together for us!

westernpromise

Milky_Mocha wrote:

I do want kids - just not anytime soon. definitely by the age of 32 - 35. Thanks for all the encouragement from all posters on this thread actually. In the meantime more holidays, outings and evenings alone together for us!

Nothing prepares you for the impact on your life. Literally nothing. You get caught up in the novelty of it all and as the dust settles you look around yourself and realise that your life is not your life any more. Basically, think of everything that you do now that's fun, and kiss it all goodbye. No more holidays, no cinemas, no meals out, no new cars, no lie ins at the weekend, no going to the gym, no protracted hairdos, no shopping for nice clothes, interrupted sleep, an end to your love life for a couple of years probably, in fact no spontaneous anything really. Lots of conflict and intrusive free advice from the grandparents too.

You have to really really want all this to put up with it all.

I was 39, the missus was 43, and we'd known each other 5 weeks when she got pregnant. Oddly enough, we are still an item. The kid herself is beyond adorable.

Don’t give way to peer pressure, and remember that hormones are what nature uses to remove your intellect from the decision process.

Are you under 30? You're just a baby yourself. Be aware though that your fertility has been declining since you were about 19. To leave this until you're 35 may mean you have 1 at 38 and a second at 41.

jellyhead

some people don't get time to themselves until the child goes to nursery, and even then it's time alone, not time as a couple unless neither of you work or the day off etc. is during the week. it's possible to still have a lie in separately though, and time for haircuts, the gym, whatever you enjoy etc. if you take it in turns to give the other partner a couple of hours to themself over the weekend. saturday is my lie-in and hubby has his on sunday. it's not like it was before children but it's not horrible either, if the relationship is strong then it's possible to have a bit of 'me' time. having children hasn't been a massive shock for hubby and i though because we're pretty childish and would be going to theme parks and seeing childrens films at the cinema whether we had children or not - i know lots of parents who cringe at the thought of going to see a disney film or going to alton towers.

patchwork_cat

This is an interesting thread as I have often thought about what age is best.

I had my first at 26 and my second at 31. At my school with my second I find that I am very much the same age as other mums, but their child is their first and they often have a toddler in tow.

I think that it is very common nowadays to have your first child in your early to mid thirties.

s@sha

westernpromise wrote:

Nothing prepares you for the impact on your life. Literally nothing. You get caught up in the novelty of it all and as the dust settles you look around yourself and realise that your life is not your life any more. Basically, think of everything that you do now that's fun, and kiss it all goodbye. No more holidays, no cinemas, no meals out, no new cars, no lie ins at the weekend, no going to the gym, no protracted hairdos, no shopping for nice clothes, interrupted sleep, an end to your love life for a couple of years probably, in fact no spontaneous anything really. Lots of conflict and intrusive free advice from the grandparents too.

Hmmm...and I thought IVF was a good idea at the time!
(baby due sept 8th)

Savvy_Sue

Reen, I think jellyhead and spendless have already given excellent advice about how we 'afford' children. The articles about how much it costs to equip a nursery, for example, are grossly overinflated: I mean why WOULD you buy a brand new pram if someone was willing to give you a second hand one? Will the baby know? No.

If the budget's very tight now then it is sensible to think about how you would manage on one income, but for goodness sake don't think you will ever be able to 'afford' them!

And as for putting them through university: my eldest is off this September. We're in no position to help him financially, beyond letting him live at home rent free in vacations, so I'm hoping what he's earned over the last couple of years will give him enough to pay whatever's due for tuition fees. Hopefully things will be better for the younger two, tuition fees added onto student loan so THEIR problem from the start not ours. But when we had them, I think there were still these things called GRANTS - anyone remember them? - and who knows what the situation will be for those being born now? Truly NO point worrying about that.

Yes, the fate of aging parents, and the thought of struggling with that and the menopause AND teenagers is a little daunting, but my feeling is if you can survive your child at two (and the child survives too!) you are ready for anything. Well, almost anything!

Dormouse

westernpromise wrote:

Nothing prepares you for the impact on your life. Literally nothing. You get caught up in the novelty of it all and as the dust settles you look around yourself and realise that your life is not your life any more. Basically, think of everything that you do now that's fun, and kiss it all goodbye. No more holidays, no cinemas, no meals out, no new cars, no lie ins at the weekend, no going to the gym, no protracted hairdos, no shopping for nice clothes, interrupted sleep, an end to your love life for a couple of years probably, in fact no spontaneous anything really. Lots of conflict and intrusive free advice from the grandparents too.

You have to really really want all this to put up with it all.

That's a pretty gloomy view, isn't it? I do agree, it is the biggest change in your life, but surely it's not all bad?

Yes, a lot of fun spontaneous things will have to give way to other less spontaneous things, and yes, life will be different and more organised, BUT... You will get utterly new fun things in your life, things you've never experienced before (yes I'm getting sentimental...)

You can still have holidays, just not the same type as before. You can still shop for nice clothes (whether you'll be able to fit into them is another matter ). After a few months, you CAN have lie-ins, if you have a co-operating other half. As for no love life for a couple of years - I guess this does not apply to everyone.

Also, you can have more cuddles and kisses than ever before in your life, plus an overwhelming sense of pride, love and belonging together when you and the father of your child look at your own little sleeping munchkin and know that you share a bond like no other.

Yes, being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but also the best. Whether you choose to do it at 20 or 40, it's up to you, but it is worth it.

zzzLazyDaisy

westernpromise wrote:

.

You have to really really want all this to put up with it all.

.

I agree. Children are wonderful, but they also change your life beyond recognition. Great if you really really want kids and all that goes with them. But still something that needs thinking carefully about. I don't think that's a gloomy view... just realistic and sensible.

I'm a mum, I love my son, but he's grown up now, and the freedom is FANTASTIC!!!!! I am young enough, in theory, to have more kids, but there is no way in this world that I'd want to do it all again