Pregnant, but seperated. He wants to get back together.

Pollycat

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It's so hard. There is a huge part of me wondering if it's worth throwing our life away over 1 mistake. The thing is, and I know it may sound daft, but I can forgive him for cheating, but I'm struggling to forgive how he handled it (hid it from me, split us up, asked me & the girls to move out because he didn't want me anymore). He thought he was protecting me from being more hurt because he cheated, but actually it was worse because I felt that he didn't love me anymore.

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Thank you everyone. We're planning on getting together next week to discuss a few more things anyway (mainly the search for somewhere for the girls and I to live) so maybe I'll try and long conversation with him about everything. We haven't really been able to do that yet as I keep ending up a sobbing mess!

saraht wrote: »

By the way I'm not sure whay it was meant to be you and the kids having to move out instead of him? Is the mortgage/lease in his name? If it is you should rectify that, as why should you have to move out with 2 kids when he's on his own and in the wrong?

This issue of him asking you and your children move out of the family home is really worrying.

Even though you were lucky enough to have somewhere to go (a property in your name), what gave him the (legal and moral) right to ask you to move out?
And from what you say in the 2nd quote above STAY out of the marital home and look for somewhere else to stay?
Why did you agree to this?

From what you say, you've been together since you were both very young so it's unlikely to be a case of him having property before you met.

This comes across to me as very very selfish on his part and totally lacking in care and concern for his children.

I may have read this totally wrong, if so, apologies.

Bubby

Only you can really know what is the right thing to do for yourself;) but if he is truly sorry and is prepared to do whatever it takes to put things right then if you feel you can forgive him (slowly) then I would be inclined to give it another chance. Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment so that is another thing he will have to accept if you take him back. I would also ensure that you also discuss your finances and make sure that you and your girls are never put in this position again if it does not work out.
If you decide not to take him back then ensure that the finances are sorted so that you are able to continue with your pregnancy without the worry of money hanging over you.

belfastgirl23

GobbledyGook wrote: »

belfastgirl - Why he did it is a big problem - I need to know why he did it. He says he doesn't know. It wasn't a conscious thing, it was just a drunken thing where one thing lead to another. That's not good enough for me, to my mind there must have been a reason.

Actually why he did the one night stand thing is in a way less of a mystery than why he insisted his family leave their home. Having stupid s*x with a stranger, whilst an awful thing to do, you can view as someone doing something totally out of character whilst drunk. But in the sober light of day expecting your wife and children to give up their home because you messed up? That one I don't understand at all

Penny-Pincher!!

Havent read all the thread so this may have already been covered, but....

Would you have considered getting back together if you weren't pregnant?

PP
xx

mwa

Hello

I don't know the background to your story and haven't got time to read through (sorry, 2 kids!) but I would like to say that my husband cheated on me when we had an 8 month old baby. At the time it felt like the end of the world but like another poster has said, I think a lot of it depends on whether he's been a good husband/father in the past and that one mistake does not have to kill a marriage. If you still love him and he is truly sorry, what is the issue with trying again? We had counselling which helped us address the problems that caused him to go off and it was wonderful. We now have an 8 week old plus the aforementioned 3 year old and couldn't be happier.

Good luck and please keep updating
xx

aliasojo

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

But in the sober light of day expecting your wife and children to give up their home because you messed up? That one I don't understand at all

My ex husband tried that. He never cheated but tried to be controlling and when I was having none of it he tried to put me and our son out whilst he stayed in the house. :rotfl:

Some men are just born stupid and there's not much you can do with them other than move them on. :rolleyes:

GobbledyGook

Pollycat wrote: »

This issue of him asking you and your children move out of the family home is really worrying.

Even though you were lucky enough to have somewhere to go (a property in your name), what gave him the (legal and moral) right to ask you to move out?
And from what you say in the 2nd quote above STAY out of the marital home and look for somewhere else to stay?
Why did you agree to this?

From what you say, you've been together since you were both very young so it's unlikely to be a case of him having property before you met.

This comes across to me as very very selfish on his part and totally lacking in care and concern for his children.

I may have read this totally wrong, if so, apologies.

He just felt that we were over so me and the girls moving into the flat seemed like the best option to him. He's no idea why he didn't think he should move out as he can't really explain why he acted the way he did. That's the thing I need him to work out and explain. TBH it was also my first reaction as well to get out to my childhood home where no-one could take it from me and it was safe. I think we both need to think about that one. He wouldn't have suggested I leave if I hadn't had the option of the flat.

The reason I'm staying out and finding somewhere else is because I want to find somewhere that is affordable for me without 100% relying on his help as I wasn't sure in the how we were going to get on and how long it would take to sort money and maintenance etc. The house we lived in is a 6 bed house that costs a blooming fortune to run, I couldn't afford it on my own.

We have been together since we were 17 and the house was bought after we married (at 19). The mortgage is solely in his name because I wasn't working at the time (I now work 2 days a week) so couldn't get a mortgage in my name.



I think I'm going to continue with our plan to sort out the finances and find somewhere for the girls and I to live and see what happens over the next few months. I do want my life back for me and the kids and I do love him, but I think I need to be sure that is for the right reasons and not just because it's all I've known. With the girls and the baby we'll see a lot of each other and I'd rather we worked out everything amicably then ended up back together so it being not needed than rush back together and end up with a bitter break up in a few months. It would be very easy to just get back together and try and forget everything, but I remembered in bed last night my Nana telling me that the tough things in life are usually the ones that are best in the end.

Thank you. I'll probably pester you more throughout the coming months as I'm scared of having a tiny baby to look after all by myself, but I've surprised myself by coping well with the girls myself so I'll be ok I think. It's just been good to let it all out and to think about the questions some of you mentioned that I hadn't thought of.

Thanks. Gemma

Pollycat

GobbledyGook wrote: »

He just felt that we were over so me and the girls moving into the flat seemed like the best option to him. He's no idea why he didn't think he should move out as he can't really explain why he acted the way he did. That's the thing I need him to work out and explain. TBH it was also my first reaction as well to get out to my childhood home where no-one could take it from me and it was safe. I think we both need to think about that one. He wouldn't have suggested I leave if I hadn't had the option of the flat.

The reason I'm staying out and finding somewhere else is because I want to find somewhere that is affordable for me without 100% relying on his help as I wasn't sure in the how we were going to get on and how long it would take to sort money and maintenance etc. The house we lived in is a 6 bed house that costs a blooming fortune to run, I couldn't afford it on my own.

We have been together since we were 17 and the house was bought after we married (at 19). The mortgage is solely in his name because I wasn't working at the time (I now work 2 days a week) so couldn't get a mortgage in my name.

I think I'm going to continue with our plan to sort out the finances and find somewhere for the girls and I to live and see what happens over the next few months. I do want my life back for me and the kids and I do love him, but I think I need to be sure that is for the right reasons and not just because it's all I've known. With the girls and the baby we'll see a lot of each other and I'd rather we worked out everything amicably then ended up back together so it being not needed than rush back together and end up with a bitter break up in a few months. It would be very easy to just get back together and try and forget everything, but I remembered in bed last night my Nana telling me that the tough things in life are usually the ones that are best in the end.

Thank you. I'll probably pester you more throughout the coming months as I'm scared of having a tiny baby to look after all by myself, but I've surprised myself by coping well with the girls myself so I'll be ok I think. It's just been good to let it all out and to think about the questions some of you mentioned that I hadn't thought of.

Thanks. Gemma

Gemma
The more I hear about this man, the less I like.

HE thought it 'the best option' for you to move out?
Into a flat with 2 children?
Did he give NO consideration at all to the upheaval that would involve for them?
I can't see why he couldn't grasp that the easiest option would be to leave you and your (and his) children in the house that they were used to and had most room.

I think you need to get legal advice on your rights - and educate your husband about HIS.

Just because your name is not on the mortgage doesn't mean you have no financial stake in the house.
You would not have had to afford to run a 6 bedroom on your own, it's part of HIS responsibility as a husband and father -- estranged or not.

As you say you've been together for 10 years, married for 8 and the house was bought after that, I assume there's some equity in it - and some of that belongs to YOU.

I'm sorry if the above sounds brutal, but I really question this guy's motives and priorities towards his family.

GobbledyGook

He didn't think at all Pollycat. And he can't explain why, which I need him too.

I think part of it is that the flat was my bolthole in the past if things were getting me down. That's not an excuse I know, I just think he panicked and for reasons only known to him (if he even knows) that was how things panned out.

I know that legally I wouldn't have had to run the house myself, but (and perhaps I'm wrong) I want us to be somewhere that I can afford to run myself. If that means we live in a smaller place so be it. While we're apart, be that briefly or forever, I don't want to be relying on him for our roof over our heads. I need to know that if WWIII erupts and it gets bitter and nasty the girls and I are financially ok until it gets sorted through courts/csa or whatever.

We've both taken legal advice so know the deal with the equity and the likes. We've just come to an interim maintenance agreement to tide us over Christmas and my eldest's birthday this month before we sit down and work it all out completely. I couldn't deal with anymore with regards to that side at the time, I just wanted the girls to have a nice Christmas.

Pollycat

Gemma
I think your husband should count himself very very lucky that you are such a sweet natured person.

Many women would have bounced him out of the matrionial home so hard he'd still be in orbit - -and for much less reason than you had.

I think your wanting to provide a home based on just your financial resources only is admirable and understandable - but I also think you should consider what your girls deserve.

Good luck.