Pregnant, but seperated. He wants to get back together.

3_cheeky_princesses

GobbledyGook wrote: »

He is/was a very hands on Dad. He would come home from work and consider himself "on duty" to let me have a break/bath. He considered bringing up the children a joint job and never took the mickey with going out etc.

The fertility treatment did put us under a lot of pressure at the time. We argued, cried etc, but we had moved past that. We seemed to be as happy as we'd ever been.

Part of the problem for me is that he can't explain why it happened (drunken one night stand at a mates wedding, I should have been there, but the girls weren't well). He also can't explain why he handed it in the way he did. He decided the best way to handle it would be for us to split up so he told me he didn't love me anymore and our relationship was over. The girls and I moved into a flat my Grandparents left me (normally I had tenants, but didn't have any). It took a lot of pushing from me (and my PIL) before he admitted he cheated. He seemed to think it would be "better" for me to think it was just over than be hurt by him cheating.

I could most likely forgive him cheating (to be perfectly honest I know what he's like very drunk and there's probably not a hell of a lot to forgive!), but his way of dealing with it ripped the world from under my feet.

I don't know if there's too much water under the bridge to start again or maybe not enough time passed to try again.

I know one thing for sure, I need to expand the people around me. I've always been very happy with my Grandparents, him, my cousin and my PIL. I've never thought I needed anyone else. My Grandparents have both passed away and now I've realised that without him I don't really have anyone to talk too. My MIL is wonderful, but at the end of the day I can't really b!tch about her son - she's still his mother (although she is barely talking to him over the whole thing).

Thank you again, being able to write it down and hear other people's opinions do help. Gemma

It sounded like in a way he was trying to punish himself for what he had done when he pushed you and the girls away (again NO excuse) - men are strange creatures!

He does sound like a good man and made 1 stupid stupid mistake and panicked rather then coming clean and telling you.

I still think you should take your time and use this time to complete the counselling and have some time out for yourself before you make any big decisions. If he really does still love and is devoted to your daughters and the baby like he sounds he will understand waiting for you if you ever do feel you want to go back to him. I think it is really good you are both making sure he still has a relationship with your daughters too in the meantime.

Have you got any sure start centres or toddler groups near you? They maybe a good start for you to start socialising with other people whilst your 2 1/2 yr old can make new friends too.

Pollycat

How did you find out about the one-night stand?

Did you catch him out or did he confess?

It actually sounds a very strange (to me) reaction to push you away.
I don't want to throw any more confusion your way but are you sure he's been absolutely truthful with you?

I can't begin to imagine what's going round in your head about all this but I do hope that the counselling helps and you can make the right decision for you all.

Molly41

"I could most likely forgive him cheating (to be perfectly honest I know what he's like very drunk and there's probably not a hell of a lot to forgive!), but his way of dealing with it ripped the world from under my feet"

Its called catastrophising. Its a way of coping with what he has done. He could only imagine the worst case scenario and so thats what he made happen. You imagine the worst that can happen in a situation. I do it all the time but generally I only think it...but he obviously made it happen. Perhaps he thought that you would not work it out or forgive him ....or trust him again...so thought it was better to get it over and done with as soon as possible.

Whatever the reason I add my congratulations re the baby to you both - your baby is a miracle and whether you parent as a couple or separately it is truly amazing. x

Errata

Have to agree with 3CP - men can be very strange and do strange and idiotic things which are completely out of character.

OP - the realities are that if you split up you will find it a bit difficult to find and make new friends because you're going to be babysitting for quite a number of years.
Have you thought about what splitting up means in real practical terms? Many studies show that children of single parents do less well in all domains than those who live with both parents. Of course, single parents will say that they've done well and they have, but the plain fact is that it's impossible for them to know how much better they would have done if they were a couple.
Where do you want to be in ten years time ? Would you like a relationship with another man? There are men around who are happy to take on a ready made family of three, but you're going to be very, very lucky to find one.
I wish you well, make sure you keep all lines of communication open, cry in front of him for as long as you have to and when you've got through that then start discussion the situation with him - it can be done with a great deal of effort on your part.
I guess your counsellor has mostly listened to you ? If that's what you need so you can build on sorting out your thoughts and feelings, talk to the Samaritans. They will listen and you can listen to yourself.

GobbledyGook

jackie - I totally understand what you mean about trusting yourself. That is one of my big problems in life, I have very little confidence in my own instincts. I have got better though since starting to see the counsellor.

3cheekyprincesses - Thanks. I haven't ever taken her to toddlers tbh. She goes to nursery the days I work. I'm going to look into swimming classes or music classes maybe, something we can do together.

Pollycat - I am 99.99% confident he has told the truth about the one-night stand. He didn't tell me for a good few weeks and only told me after I begun to doubt if he'd ever loved me. After that I also found out that someone I thought was a friend had known as she was a friend of the other party. She took great pleasure in telling lots of people, but not me.

I don't know why he dealt with it by pushing us away. He also knew that he'd not be able to keep it from me forever as the other party told her husband right away and he, naturally, was gunning for my ex.

Pollycat

Hi GG

from what you say:

• you still love him
• you say you can forgive him for a stupid one-off mistake
• you want to keep this baby
• he's really sorry that he was stupid
• he wants you to give him a second chance
• he wants you to keep this baby

That's an awful lot of positives that you have going for you, I hope that things work out for you.

summerday

It does sound like a one-off mistake, and in my book a drunken one-night stand is a very different scenario to a long-term affair. I agree that he was probably very ashamed of himself and trying to punish himself with hius extreme decisions after he did it. Try asking him if this is the case.

I hope the 2 of you can work it out. It sounds like you've been together a long time, including troubles of TTC, and he is a good dad. Of course it has to be your choice, but if I was you I think I'd take him back but mnaking it very clear that if it happens again you won't listen to any excuses, he will be out immediately. By the way I'm not sure whay it was meant to be you and the kids having to move out instead of him? Is the mortgage/lease in his name? If it is you should rectify that, as why should you have to move out with 2 kids when he's on his own and in the wrong?

diable

What is harder a physical betrayal or an emotional betrayal?

It should not have happened but it did, he handled it badly (he's a man so am I) men are emotionally !!!!!! and the easiest option was to run away from facing the problems.

You need to sit down and see if you are able to forgive and to forget and whether you still love your husband and if you could ever trust him again.

Maddie

Hi GobbledyGook. Congratulations on the pregnancy, it must have been such a shock to find that out on top of everything else, but is still something wonderful.

Whether you decide to give him another chance or not, it sounds like you are both mature and on good terms (especially given the circumstances) so hopefully you will not be on your own.

Even if you were on your own you seem incredibly strong, caring, thoughtful etc so I'm sure you'd be an amazing mum to all three.

It seems to me that you really need to understand better why he did it and why he reacted how he did - he needs to open up more and try to understand it himself.

JoJoB

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's brilliant you are working on your problems in therapy so maybe make sure you do this as a couple if you decide to try again. You've been through a big crisis together and it's not right that you are the only one taking ownership of the problems!