Pregnant, but seperated. He wants to get back together.

diable

One question to ask is do you love him and does he love you.

GobbledyGook

Thank you everyone.

I think the first thing I need to do is sit down and talk to him properly, telling him not to leave if I get teary. I think we need to cry together and perhaps even shout at each other to get to the bottom of why it happened and what we both want. Then we can work out if we can get there.

I've done a lot of thinking today and the biggest thing that I keep thinking of is what if something happens again. He basically kicked the girls and I out of our home. Now I own the flat we are in now outright, it was my childhood home with my Grandparents who left me it when they died so that's fine, but normally I have tenants. The only reason it was empty was that the previous tenants had to move suddenly. I know he'll probably say that if it hadn't been empty he wouldn't have said for us to leave, but that's going to be a big thing for me to trust in.

If, and it's still a big if tbh, we were to get back together I'm not sure that I could do it without some sort of security for the kids and myself with regards to the house. However if I want that is that really starting again with a fresh slate?

Thank you for listening/reading. It's been very helpful. Gemma

southoftheriver

If you haven't had the emotional conversation yet then you definitely need to if you want to reach some sort of resolution (even if that isn't getting back togtehter).

I understand your concern about if you start again then you want to do it with a clean slate, and that maybe asking for some security would be a backwards step. But if he cares about you as much as he seems to, then he should understand that you would never want to be in the same situation that you were in previously, and that in order to protect yourself and your children you need to know you will not be kicked out. I would think that is perfectly reasonable.

I applaud the way you are dealing with this, you are obviously a strong lady. That doesn't mean you don't have wobbles but you have been able to move forwards alone, and if you choose to do that later on then you will still be fine.

belfastgirl23

I think the first thing is that you need to understand why he did what he did. This will involve some painful thinking for him. But you need to make it clear to him that this is absolutely non-negotiable. If you don't get to the root of it now, you leave space for doubt and resentment to grow. They'll be there anyway for a while and you don't want to feed them.

I think you could probably both do with some support in these discussions. To be honest he would need to have a very good answer about why you all were forced to move house - speaking as someone who was a child in a similar situation, I didn't just lose my dad, I also lost my home, my friends, my school, nearly my whole life, because they split up. If he put your children in that situation then he is either incredibly thoughtless or incredibly cruel. Either way he needs to understand totally how unacceptable it was.

As for the pregnancy, all I can say is that you'll have a little voice in your mind telling you whether you want the baby or not, and you should listen hard for it. You have to do right by your own conscience on this and at this stage I think the decision has to be yours alone.

Lots of luck whatever you decide to do.

gordikin

If he has kicked you and your girls out of your home (whether you had a place to go or not) I would take him back and remove his balls slowly with a blunt teaspoon at the first available opportunity and then chuck HIM out. He should have moved out into the flat with your agreement and you and your girls would have had some stability.It has been said that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...I think that's aiming about 6 inches too high.

Pepzofio

Maybe, if he realised there was a good chance of you finding out 'on the grapevine'/via other party's hubby, he just panicked and as your place was vacant, he decided to get you out of the area to minimise the risk of you hearing about it from a third party...?

Not trying to excuse his behaviour, but from everything else you've written about him he certainly doesn't sound like the kind of guy to just turf you out on the street. To me he sounds like a decent guy who made a very stupid mistake and has compounded this by acting like a right tool trying to 'put things right', for want of a better phrase.

Do you genuinely think that you could forgive the one night stand without the deceit afterwards? Because if you do, then personally I don't think childhood issues with your father's lying - on their own - are a valid reason for not giving the relationship another chance. I'm not criticising you, by the way, just mean that it would be a shame to let your relationship with your father - which sounds like it wasn't the best - jeopardise your chances of making a go of it with a man who you say (a) you still love, (b) is (barring the obvious incident) a good father/partner and (c) whose recent infidelity you believe you could forgive/get over.

I don't think that asking for a guarantee of security (if you do give things another go) negates the whole 'clean slate' thing - and neither should he if he is genuinely repentant. It's never going to be a genuinely 'clean slate' anyway, because no matter what happens you can't undo what's been done. What you can do is get everything out on the table, make sure you both understand why what happened happened & what you both need to move forward and put it behind you, then do just that, and not keep returning to the subject in future rough patches/arguments.

I really hope it all works out for you and wish you all the best.

GobbledyGook

Pepzofio - I'm not ignoring the rest of your post, just to answer the forgiveness bit. I think if he'd had a drunk one-night stand and he'd come clean and not acted in the way he did afterwards I would have forgiven him. We've been together 10 years (since school), married for 8 years and I wouldn't have thrown that away over it.

I'm more struggling with his actions afterwards. The way he hid things then the way he ended our marriage and only came clean after so much hurt. It's hard because I'm trying so hard not to let my past and childhood influence things, but they do and he knew they would because they are what have moulded me into the person I am. I also don't want to let everything become down to me and my past. I don't want that to be an excuse for either of us.

belfastgirl - Why he did it is a big problem - I need to know why he did it. He says he doesn't know. It wasn't a conscious thing, it was just a drunken thing where one thing lead to another. That's not good enough for me, to my mind there must have been a reason.

I know this is going to sound cack-handed and bizarre, but in some ways - to me - the fact it meant nothing and he feels nothing for her is worse. If he'd met someone and fell for them and it ended our marriage I'd have been gutted and heartbroken, but at least it would have been for something. This just seems such a waste. Why throw away everything for a drunk fumble which meant nothing? He can't answer and I'm not sure if I can think about anything other than the girls and I being on our own until he can.

paddy's_mum

The person who manages to work out why a man who's got it all would "throw away everything for a drunk fumble" will be making the world a happier place by far. He or she would be worshipped as one of the 10 greatest people in human history and would be laughing all the way to the bank!

I understand your confusion and hurt but it may be the simple truth that he doesn't know why he did it. Maybe it's as straightforward yet unfathomable as the answer mountaineers give when asked why they risk their lives on Everest - because it's there.

diable

There doesn't have to be a reason, he was basically a !!!!! he is a man he is a !!!!!.

scottishchick27

Is your house in joint names? If it is then make him move into the flat while you get things sorted out in your mind, while should you and the girls have to suffer for what he has done? If he is serious about making a go of things then he will do this for you all. Take a few months before the baby is born and see him regularly to see if there is any way you can reconcile. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you but I hope you can all work things out. xx