Pregnant, but seperated. He wants to get back together.

GobbledyGook

Apologies if this reads a bit like my name. I had some wonderful help on the child support board recently so hoped you wouldn't mind offering advice/an ear so to speak.

I split with my husband in November. We have 2 daughters, eldest will be 6 this month younger is 2 1/2.

It's been a tough Christmas trying to keep a smiley face, build a civil relationship with my ex and sort out our futures. I was looking on 2010 as our new beginning.

Haven't felt great for a while now, but put it down to stress. Realised on Thursday that as irregular as I am it was now seriously late so done a HPT which immediately showed an instant pregnant.

I don't know how to feel. The ex and I spent a lot of money on fertility treatment for our first child. Our second was a huge bonus, but took quite a while in trying. Had this happened in October I'd have been delighted - we both would have. We always wanted a big family and having trouble conceiving really, really upset me.

My ex took our girls yesterday and he knew when he arrived something was wrong (I've hardly stopped crying) so I told him. He's gutted that something that should be a huge celebration has been spoiled by him. He said he would support me in whatever I wanted to do.

He rang again today and said that he realised that sounded like a real cop-out that meant I was to make all the decisions without any help/input. He said he bitterly regrets the stupidity that ruined us and he would do anything for a second chance. He also said that if I choose to keep the baby, but not give him another chance he'll totally understand and he'll completely support me as much as he can emotionally/physically and will financially support the baby as he does our girls. He also said he'd understand if I didn't want to bring another child into this mess and although he dearly hopes I won't he'd support that too.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but he betrayed me and our girls. I'm scared that if I went back it would, at least partly, be because it would be much easier to have someone there all the time than do this alone.

I don't want to get rid of my baby. I'm already imagining what he or she will look like, how my girls will be with the baby etc. At the same time though having a baby on my own, I have no parents or grandparents around, is terrifying.

I just want my life to go back to October and the way it was. Then this would have been the most amazing start to 2010. I don't even know what I'm asking you really, sorry. Just advice I suppose from anyone who has ever tried again when their partner cheated or who had a baby on their own.

Thank you. Gemma

diable

I don't know what to advise but keep your spirits up and hopefully someone will post something that will help you soon.

mummy_Jay

There are lots of single mums on this board and quite a few of us have done the pregnancy without a partner or close family support, so it is doable (in some ways its easier, well at least first time round but i only have the one so far). You ex actually wants to support you which is great.

but he did betray you and what message would you be giving your girls if you took it him back just because you are pregnant?

Just because your not together doesn't mean this shouldn't be amasing news, celebrate it, be happy and do this on your own. Right now you are on that emotional pregnancy rollercoaster its not the time to make a decision to take him back or not, agree to be friends and that he can help you through this (if thats what you really want) but that any dicussion on getting back together isn't really practical until 2011. I know its seems a long ways off but if he wants back with you rather than to do what he feels is his duty to this new baby, he'll be willing to wait.

Errata

Cheating is hard to deal with. If he's truly remorseful, has always been a decent bloke, a good husband and a good father and it was just once and totally out of character then perhaps you need to think long and hard about if you are loving enough and love him enough to give him a second chance, for the sake of you both, your children and your unborn child.

bunty109

Firstly, congratulations!

I think maybe you need time to see how both of you feel about getting back together. If he's serious about wanting you back, then he'll accept you need some time to think things through. I don't think any of your children would want you both to be together just for their sakes, so why not see how things go?

I guess I'm with mummy_Jay on this (although she put it much better than me)!

jack*tigger

The easiest solution and the one that would make most people happy would be to get back together with your husband.

BUT ... it's your life so what you choose has to be something that YOU want and can live with.

Is OH likely to be a "repeat offender" ? Or was the betrayal a one-off ?? We all make mistakes but we don't all learn from them.

How have you been coping since November? Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Do you feel that life is settling into a new routine that you could be happy in? It might be too early to tell but maybe you feel that you could cope on your own - with appropriate support.

What do YOU truly want?? If you had no kids and it was just you and OH (no baby on the way) what would you choose then? Could you, would you forgive him and try again? Or would you cut your losses and split?? 'cos if your heart isn't in it, it won't work no matter how many kids you have.

GobbledyGook

Thank you.

It's so hard. There is a huge part of me wondering if it's worth throwing our life away over 1 mistake. The thing is, and I know it may sound daft, but I can forgive him for cheating, but I'm struggling to forgive how he handled it (hid it from me, split us up, asked me & the girls to move out because he didn't want me anymore). He thought he was protecting me from being more hurt because he cheated, but actually it was worse because I felt that he didn't love me anymore.

I can't handle being lied too. It stems from my childhood and I know that it isn't his fault I react so badly to things BUT he did know that. I am seeing a counsellor to help me deal with things better and stop comparing the world to my father. I don't want to take him back and him think he can get away with anything, but I'm quite scared (esp as I haven't been able to see my counsellor since early December due to holidays) that I might not give a chance because of the feelings my parents disastrous relationship has left me with, if that makes sense.

I just don't know what to do. It's great I'll have his support, and my MIL is fantastic - she is like a Mum to me, but it'll still be me dealing with everything in the middle of the night on my own.

I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. I just don't know what is best.

Dontknowanymore

Hi
Congratulations, it seems to me like you are going to be keeping this baby from the way you are talking.
I've been a single Mum from pregnancy with my first and now with a 5.5 year old and a 9 month old baby, it's hard but you learn to just get on with it.
He sounds like he's not going to desert you so even if you dont getback with him you could possibly seek a small piece of comfort knowing you wont be completely alone.

Cheating is really hard to deal with, and I hate cheaters, but at the same time we all make mistakes.
Would you consider going to relate with him or something in the future.
You dont have to decide anything now, infact I would just think your first priority is the pregnancy, then go from there.
I really hope it all works out for you xx

cakey

Hay Hun, i wanted to stop by as i have been in your situation.. not the baby, but the cheating. One thing i will say is sometimes people deserve a second chance. i was cheated on once, ended things, gave them a second chance on the premise that there are no more chances. But here is the tricky part, you will need to learn to trust again, but likewise he will need to learn to trust you.... he needs to trust that everytime you have an arguement you wont drag up the past. Maybe 2010 is a good time for a new beginning. Maybe you still have a future, only you will knwo deep down, but now would be a good time to have a fresh start, with or without him. it certainly sounds like you still love him, and i can promise you will never ever forget what he has done, but you can forgive maybe even renew your vows... hope everything works out. Chin up xxxxxxxxxxxx

Errata

OP - it sounds like you need to talk out loud to someone about all this so you can hear what you're really thinking and feeling. I hope you can see your counsellor soon.
You say that you can't handle being lied to and that stems from your childhood. Can I say that just like you can't put old wine in new bottles, neither is it a good idea to use childhood emotions for adult situations. I hope you can understand what I mean by this.
HTH

Dinah93

Firstly, congratulations, a baby is an amazing gift and deserves celebrating no matter what.

Secondly you've presumably left him for a reason, that you didn't want to be with him anymore. If you made this decision rationally that he was not the person you want to spend your life with, then you made it for good reason, and you'll be happier without his drama in your life.