Pregnant, but seperated. He wants to get back together.

paddy's_mum

You say that you still love him. He is, apparently, bending over backwards to be honest, understanding, supportive, clear about his meaning and loyal.

Unless you believe that all this is just talk, and that given half a chance, he'll start up bad ways, what have you got to lose?

The worst that could happen is that he'll cheat once more and break your heart all over again .. but would that be more painful than adding up all the little pains, unhappinesses and loneliness of going it alone?

Kick his backside by all means but don't throw away all chance of reconciliation. Errata's first response in this thread says it all to me, really. Good luck .. and congratulations!

GobbledyGook

Errata wrote: »

OP - it sounds like you need to talk out loud to someone about all this so you can hear what you're really thinking and feeling. I hope you can see your counsellor soon.
You say that you can't handle being lied to and that stems from your childhood. Can I say that just like you can't put old wine in new bottles, neither is it a good idea to use childhood emotions for adult situations. I hope you can understand what I mean by this.
HTH

I know exactly what you mean Errata. It's why I've been seeing the counsellor, it's just soooo hard not to. My father and his lies and actions had a massive impact on my life as a child.

I do need to speak to someone. Sadly the someone would usually be my husband or my counsellor, who is on a long holiday to visit relatives. I don't really have anyone else. My only relative is a cousin, who I'm very close too, but she and her partner are just about to embark on IVF so really not something I want to burden her with. The "friends" I had have all turned out to be not really friends, friends of his or partners of his friends. I am planning on joining a class in January so hopefully will make some of my own friends.

Thank you for listening, it's been helpful just to write it down.

Dinah - Thanks for the congratulations. I didn't decide that, he did in a weird bid to make it hurt less than telling me he'd cheated. It all went mad afterwards and I didn't really get to make many of the choices.

GobbledyGook

Thank you everyone. We're planning on getting together next week to discuss a few more things anyway (mainly the search for somewhere for the girls and I to live) so maybe I'll try and long conversation with him about everything. We haven't really been able to do that yet as I keep ending up a sobbing mess!

I do want to keep my baby though. I can't even begin to think about not keeping him/her right now no matter how hard it will be. My girls will adore having a baby around. It will be nice to have something positive to look forward too while the rest is all quite turbulent.

Pollycat

Please don't underestimate how hard it is to forgive (and forget) sexual betrayal.

It may depend on exactly how your OH betrayed you (long term affair or a one-night stand) but it most definitely will be hard.

One poster has given some good advice about trying to decide what your choice would be if you had no children and this one wasn't on the way.
Would you give him another chance?
Could you ever trust him again when he's working late or goes out with his mates?

Whatever you DO decide I hope things work out for you.

Pee

Cheating is horrid and I don't think there is any excuse for it. That said, he probably cheated because he was unhappy and it sounds as though fertility issues may have been a real problem for you both in the relationship. I wonder whether the pressures of that caused you to behave in certain ways that made his cheating occur - pushing him away, taking him for granted. Now of course he should have spoken to you about how he felt and whilst you are pregnant is maybe not the easiest time to get a relationship back together.

How much practical use will he be with the baby if he is in the same house? If he is a hands on dad, then I can see why you are scared of doing it on your own. You could of course, but given that he wants to be involved, I think if it was me, I would want to give him a second chance.

That said I would also want him to win me back and it would take a while for me to believe he cared and that he wasn't going to repeat the behaviour.

jackieglasgow

I'd like you to think about these scenarios and think about how you would feel in two years' time.

1. You forgive him, he repents, come back to you, you trust yourself enough to trust him again, and live a happy, normal life as a family of FIVE.

2. You forgive him, he repents, comes back to you, you can't trust your own judgement, and are always wary of his honesty/faithfulness, and live a fraught, edgy life as a family of five.

3. You forgive him, try again, it turns out he is a cheating !!!!!! who will never change, and you break up, for good, and you raise your 3 lovely children as a single parent.

4. You abort the pregnancy. Sort out the relationship in six months, take him back and live life as a family of four.

5. You abort the pregnancy. Dump your husband because you can't trust your own judgement, or him, and raise your 2 children as a single parent.

Which one of these scenarios would be the worst one to live with?

Good luck with your decision, I hope that you're not offended by my tone, I certainly don't mean to upset you in anyway, but if it were me, this is how I would address things, and thought it may help. I hope it does.

Jackie X

GobbledyGook

He is/was a very hands on Dad. He would come home from work and consider himself "on duty" to let me have a break/bath. He considered bringing up the children a joint job and never took the mickey with going out etc.

The fertility treatment did put us under a lot of pressure at the time. We argued, cried etc, but we had moved past that. We seemed to be as happy as we'd ever been.

Part of the problem for me is that he can't explain why it happened (drunken one night stand at a mates wedding, I should have been there, but the girls weren't well). He also can't explain why he handed it in the way he did. He decided the best way to handle it would be for us to split up so he told me he didn't love me anymore and our relationship was over. The girls and I moved into a flat my Grandparents left me (normally I had tenants, but didn't have any). It took a lot of pushing from me (and my PIL) before he admitted he cheated. He seemed to think it would be "better" for me to think it was just over than be hurt by him cheating.

I could most likely forgive him cheating (to be perfectly honest I know what he's like very drunk and there's probably not a hell of a lot to forgive!), but his way of dealing with it ripped the world from under my feet.

I don't know if there's too much water under the bridge to start again or maybe not enough time passed to try again.

I know one thing for sure, I need to expand the people around me. I've always been very happy with my Grandparents, him, my cousin and my PIL. I've never thought I needed anyone else. My Grandparents have both passed away and now I've realised that without him I don't really have anyone to talk too. My MIL is wonderful, but at the end of the day I can't really b!tch about her son - she's still his mother (although she is barely talking to him over the whole thing).

Thank you again, being able to write it down and hear other people's opinions do help. Gemma

Person_one

Pee wrote: »

Cheating is horrid and I don't think there is any excuse for it. That said, he probably cheated because he was unhappy and it sounds as though fertility issues may have been a real problem for you both in the relationship. I wonder whether the pressures of that caused you to behave in certain ways that made his cheating occur - pushing him away, taking him for granted. Now of course he should have spoken to you about how he felt and whilst you are pregnant is maybe not the easiest time to get a relationship back together.

How much practical use will he be with the baby if he is in the same house? If he is a hands on dad, then I can see why you are scared of doing it on your own. You could of course, but given that he wants to be involved, I think if it was me, I would want to give him a second chance.

That said I would also want him to win me back and it would take a while for me to believe he cared and that he wasn't going to repeat the behaviour.

I have to disagree with the bolded. Unhappiness doesn't force us to do things we know to be wrong. If I stole a TV from Curry's you wouldn't excuse me because I was unhappy with the picture quality of my old TV!

I've been unhappy in relationships, I didn't cheat, I ended the relationships or worked on them to improve them.

3_cheeky_princesses

Congratulations on baby :T

This sounds like a really really sad situation for you and it sounds like your husband deeply regrets what he has done (that is no excuse tho!!_.

I do not think you should make any quick decisions. Meet up with your husband and have a chat but do not make any firm personal plans with him with regards to a relationship with him. I would talk to your counsellor when you can. Maybe have counselling as a couple too even if you do not get back together again it cannot hurt as he sounds like he want to be fully involved in your daughters and the babies life so it will be a good to have a good relationship with him for their sakes.

If you do still love him and cant imagine life without him then maybe you should consider a reconcillation at some point if you can forgive the cheating with help from your counsellor. I would not get back together just because your pregnant and have children. It may seem like a good short time soloution but long term you will regret it. Please do not answer if you do not want to but was this a one night stand or a long running affair?

jackieglasgow

I've thought about this a bit more and wanted to clarify what I meant about trusting your own judgement. I think that trusting a partner is about trusting yourself, especially if you have had trust or emotional issues when growing up, as the OP has. You have to trust and believe that your own opinion is valid, and that the good/bad things which you see in others, are a true reflection of them.

If you believe your man is faithful and loving, and he betrays that trust, then you question your own judgement, "How did I not see it?" etc. Taking back a cheating partner requires a huge leap of faith, but if you truly didn't see it coming, then you have to really trust yourself to believe them when they promise not to let you down again. Giving someone a second chance is just as much about giving yourself a second chance.

I hope that makes sense, it certainly does in my head!