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Oldernotwiser

jasmine33 wrote: »

Thanks for that. My husbands idea of a night out (it appears) is to go for a !!!! up with mostly younger folk. He did this when we were going out together and then again on Mad Friday and tonight. He did ask me if I wanted to go out tonight but in all honesty, that is not my idea of a night out. I suggested that in future it would be nice to go out for a meal and he agreed. I won't go out for a night on the !!!! because that is just not me and hasn't been me for most of our married life. He and I have never been ones for having that sort of night out since we got married and had our family. It is more the type that our daughters would have. It is so out of character for him. I could understand if he was 20. It would be like me saying it's blue snow outside - absolutely unbelievable.

I'm afraid that this is just a repetition of your earlier post where you say "we don't do that sort of thing".

People change - or they certainly should - and it's usually a good idea for the partner to make at least some changes in the same direction if s/he doesn't want them to grow apart, particularly when the family have grown up and moved on. Having a meal out is hardly a new and exciting thing for a middle aged couple to do and isn't really the sort of thing your husband seems to be looking for.

I'd go along with his suggestions sometimes and also come up with some new ideas of the sort of thing that you'd like to do. This should be the time in your marriage for rediscovering each other and trying new things, not sitting round waiting to collect your pensions!

mandragora_2

add to Facebook 'Friends reunited' for the power to destroy marriages. I won't go into details here but your story sounds very similar to mine at the moment. 25 years of marriage, two (now grown-up) kids, putting every penny I ever earnt into the joint account and sitting here feeling like a stupid, blind idiot. 'I just wanted some female friends'. Sure. Female friends that you kept secret, that you bought presents for, and that you still get password-protected emails from daily. You've done well to spot it so quickly. My oh has been farting around like this since at least last Feb and I've only just twigged, because it never occurred to me he'd do something so disloyal and nasty.

jamespir

blackpongo1 wrote: »

I personally think facebook should be banned its wrecked my life and im sure countless others

it not facebook thats the so much the problem tho it the people that use it :beer:

jamespir

mandragora wrote: »

, because it never occurred to me he'd do something so disloyal and nasty.

the ops husband isnt doing anything disloyal or nasty as you put it

hes just found something to relieve the boredom in his marriage from what the ops posting hes been trying to get her involved probably because he still loves her

if he was doing something disloyal and nasty would he really invite his wife along

hes just trying to captura a bit of youth which most men do when they hit a certain age

but as ive said the op needs to help him to help her

jamespir

Timmne wrote: »

Quite right. It's just given the potentially unfaithful, an avenue to test their feelings.

thats quite a sweeping statement :rolleyes: just because a man talks to a women doesn't mean he wants to have sex with her

geri1965_2

Timmne wrote: »

A woman who works for my wife is always on there (she's an addict.... urgh!) - this woman has two teenage kids, a husband, a dog and a house. !!!!!! isn't there anything more pressing to be doing?

That's a bit harsh. My two sisters, my stepsisters and my mum are on Facebook and they are either married, have kids or grandkids even! I am 44 and I use Facebook to keep in touch with them all. I hardly get time to visit my sister and her kids as I work full time and don't have transport, so it's nice to talk to them on Facebook, especially my two nieces.

mandragora_2

jamespir wrote: »

the ops husband isnt doing anything disloyal or nasty as you put it

hes just found something to relieve the boredom in his marriage from what the ops posting hes been trying to get her involved probably because he still loves her

if he was doing something disloyal and nasty would he really invite his wife along

hes just trying to captura a bit of youth which most men do when they hit a certain age

but as ive said the op needs to help him to help her

I was talking about my own experience, and what my oh has been doing, not the OP's - sorry if that wasn't clear - I'm not at my best right now, as I've only just found out what he's been doing, and that it started last Feb - in some ways, similar story at the beginning to the Op's, so I was trying to communucate to her that she had done well to spot it early. I drifted along in a haze of complacency and trust for a year nearly, and only found out at the beginning of December when he made a mistake and paid for a present through an email account we both share. It's been a horrible, horrible time, and it's not over yet, I don't think.

jamespir

mandragora wrote: »

I was talking about my own experience, and what my oh has been doing, not the OP's - sorry if that wasn't clear - I'm not at my best right now, as I've only just found out what he's been doing, and that it started last Feb - in some ways, similar story at the beginning to the Op's, so I was trying to communucate to her that she had done well to spot it early. I drifted along in a haze of complacency and trust for a year nearly, and only found out at the beginning of December when he made a mistake and paid for a present through an email account we both share. It's been a horrible, horrible time, and it's not over yet, I don't think.

i ts a real shame for you by the sounds of things and i hope you get it sorted to

i didnt reply to discredit you sorry if it seemed that way

renegade

If your husband is looking to have an affair to brighten up his dull boring marriage , then he would go out with his mates to the pub and find someone there, or at work there are lots of avenues he could take if this this was his intention.
I don't think it is, I agree with what has already been said, he is just looking to have some FUN, that is none existent in his life at the moment. Your letter if full of 'I' don't do this , that or the other, there is no 'I' in teamwork!
It is you who need to lighten up and join him in his search for some 'light relief' from his otherwise mundane lifestyle. You seem so set in your ways that you are the one who is reluctant to change, life is all about changes, it's what makes it so exciting, new challenges,friends,hobbies,outlook.

It would appear the ball is in your court, change with him or lose him, if you can't beat them, join them!
Ask yourself, were you happy with the way your life was prior to him using FB, barely talking to you, going nowhere with you, not interacting with you?
Don't blame FB or his new found 'friends', he was looking for an outlook and now he has found it!

springclean

hi, i haven't read all the responses, but on your OP i can't agree more with Oldernotwiser, as for me too the sentence that jumped out was 'we don't do that sort of thing'.

perhaps he now wants to do that sort of thing?

it appears your kids are off your hands, and you've done all the graft of bringing them up and sacrificing your fun etc for that, and for all the right reasons. but he's only 50 for god's sake. he's feeling the freedom that we get when our kids fly the nest, and is young enough to have some fun.

now before anyone jumps on me here, and says i'm defending his actions -'Ah here we go again, its her fault for finding out not her husbands for his inappropriate behaviour..' quote from xxmessedupxx - the OP does say in her post that her DH asked her to go out with her but she declined. if he was after a fling, why would he ask his missus to go out with him...?

Ok, perhaps he is being a bit silly trying to hang with the young crowd, and perhaps nightclubs are too much for the OP, but his behaviour is telling her that he wants to do more than sit in and prepare for his retirement. Can you not compromise on the social activity, but make an effort to do something with him?