Eager Elephant's Effective Everyday Excursion ...

beanielou

You have to do what is best for you & it sounds like you have.
Take care of you xx

HairyHandofDartmoor

I'm sorry to hear that your DH hasn't taken your earlier warning about his spending seriously.

If you were planning on ending the marriage anyway when DD was 18 then why wait. You can make a head start on a new and independent life for yourself, where you have complete control over your finances. Will you move out or will DH?

I hope you manage to enjoy the Christmas period despite all of this.

Eager_Elephant

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Not that it matters now but the TV package started off many years ago at £30, some of the increase is just general increases like when they increase the package by £1.50per month and you stick with it because £1.50 is not too bad but of course all these £1.50's over the years add up, DH did add multi-room for DS but he has been at Uni for 18mths so really could have been cancelled plus DH added something else. I didn't think £68 pm was too bad when DH spends so much time watching it but now they have changed their Sports package (which should not have affected us as we don't have sport) they have moved everyone across to it hence the increase to £86. Maybe we should have read the letters closer but I read them and am sure they made no mention of people without sports being moved to it.

DH will have to leave as the tenancy for this house is in my name, DD will go with him as she is a daddy's girl plus she goes to school where he works so it makes sense. I am hoping he can get a property within the school grounds as private rental will be prohibitive.

DS is back next weekend - he is 21 this week but will be at Uni on the actual day - we have a large family meal planned for next weekend.

I don't want this diary to become a relationship counselling session but I have re-read what I wrote yesterday and I feel I need to elaborate on the messy house when the engineer turned up as this is another thing which annoys me with DH (and DD to some extent).
It is just me who does the housework and the boring mundane everyday stuff, DH is out of the house for longer than me but has weekends off like I do. To counteract the longer days, when I get in from work I walk the dogs and do some housework like washing up and putting a load of washing on/hanging it later/putting clean stuff away etc. (Some of reason he is later home than me is because him and DD have tea at school so I don't cook mid-week)
DH does nothing on week nights except watch TV/movies.

At weekends we usually have animal stuff to do so could be up on our field fixing things/sorting water for the week etc - we both enjoy this but while we are doing that no housework is being done.
Or we visit relatives/get food shopping etc. DH will then sleep for 2 hours and in the afternoon he will either watch TV or do things outside (in the summer like mowing the lawn).
While he is sleeping/watching TV etc I am trying to do the housework/banking/post which admittedly I intersperse with some internet time.

At a push DH will hoover the living room and every other morning he has to change the cat litter trays.

I don't want to lose my weekends to housework and why should I be the one to do it all. DD does nothing except make a mess which will only get worse from the end of next week as she breaks up for 3 weeks. Her room is only tidied when a friend comes, it is a hovel all the time but when she tidies it produces enough washing up and washing for a week so I feel I cant get on top of things. She is 14 so should take some responsibility although she see's her dad do nothing so why should she???

My house is also in a state of CHAOS and if we are due visitors it can take a day or two to get the rooms a visitor will see up to standard and I hate living like this. I was so embarrassed when the engineer came and I could have cried. We don't have visitors who drop round on the off chance and this just sent me over the edge although of course if I had been told I would have hovered before he came etc.

Many hands make light work!!!

Anyway we have had counselling in the past and what I got from it was that we must not have a parent/child relationship because we are not equals then but to be partners and basically I should not get annoyed with DH over things when he is an adult and can do what he likes.
This was after DH had been messaging women about being single etc, its not that I wanted him told off but I wanted to understand things better but by the end I felt it was all my fault that he had done what he had and when communicating to start with words like ' I feel' rather than accusing him by saying 'You'.

I'm not really sure how we can ever get out of the parent/child relationship as I am quite controlling and always have been and DH acts like the child and then we go round in circles again.

Someone above asked about him taking out credit - I would be surprised if he could get credit as his credit score is 509 - the lowest is 500!! He has £22k of debt with about £13k of that showing on his credit report - he pays his debts £31pm in total so I don't think anyone would touch him with a barge pole.

Eager_Elephant

This diary should be money saving so I must report in that I have cashed out on YouGov:T:j

I last cashed out in May 2016 so about 18mths again, I have missed some surveys in that time so probably could have done it quicker but never mind.

I have also done some mystery shopping/auditing stuff yesterday - £10 per shop and I have done 5 and they only took a few minutes each so hopefully will get this money in the New Year.

In less good news and in the interests of transparency I must admit to having a new debt on a credit card, last year DH and I used a credit card for petrol for work, we both paid in £75 per month which should have been enough to cover petrol but gradually it wasn't and we increased what we were paying but slowly the debt grew and then at the start of this year DH started his new job so we no longer car shared to work and we stopped using the credit card for petrol but there has been a debt sitting there of over £800, the minimum payments have come out but barely covered the interest so last week I decided to move it across to a 0% card I have so at least I wont be paying interest on it.
Strictly speaking it is both our debts and I will try to pay some of it off from the bill account before he leaves but I expect I will get left with it especially as we have Xmas coming up.
It is 36mths 0% so should clear way before that as once I am on my own I should have spare money.

Eager_Elephant

Sorry forgot to say in my rant about DH that I do appreciate that he has Neuro issues and still works full time and that it is mentally and physically exhausting for him and I don't expect him to do housework in the evenings but a few hours at weekends would be a big help. In the summer he is on the go quite a lot at weekends doing the lawn and mowing the field etc but he seems to only like fun jobs like that or making things which he is brilliant at.
In the winter there is not much to do and I think boredom plays a big part hence he just sleeps/watches TV all weekend.

HairyHandofDartmoor

It sounds like a very complex situation EE, as all relationships are. You are obviously not happy at the moment. I think with relationships you sometimes have to weigh up what you put into the relationship and what you get out of it. If you feel you are putting in far more than you are receiving, then that is a recipe for resentment to fester.

Getting control of your finances will certainly be easier on your own. Good luck with it all.

Watty1

Just caught up on diary EE. What a lot you have been through. Hoping all works out for you

Seasidegal58

I think a close loving partnership where you are both on the same page and help one another through trials and tribulations is a wonderful thing. BUT - speaking as someone who has had one marriage (both very young and he was an absolute nightmare so much so DD decided Year’s ago to have nothing to do with him) and two partners (one unfaithful and the other a control freak) sometimes enough is enough and you’re better on your own or until you do find that person you absolutely gel with.

I think you will be fine EE - just take each day as it comes.

SSG x

Sayschezza

I think that if you really want a fairer division of labour you need to add up all working hours both in and outside the home for both of you and then divide by 2. DD is probably another matter entirely and mess goes with the age group.

beanielou

Good news on YG.
It takes an age.