little_h's big dreams :)

little_h_2

thanks Souk. I get up anywhere between 5.30 and 6 as it is so tend to go with speedy brekkies (often in the car if I am running late!). I never skip it though, I am too grumpy without it

concert went well. I played OK, some bits better than others. But I didn't miss anything major and that is the most important thing. The venue was lovely but a pain in the !!!! with parking and unloading. a very helpful stage hand made things a million times easier so I will be writing in to the theatre and the local council to say how great a venue (it is brand new) but what a shame the loading/unloading wasn't better thought out, and to say thank you to said stage hand. I understand they want/are trying to persuade/force people to use public transport, but harps and large percussion instruments can't go on the bus !!!!!!! :mad:

I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy the weekend without ex fiance in the wings. he was determined to help re. the concert and tomorrow, but I was equally determined I didn't want him to come. if he continues to push, I will need to think again on where we are with each other. I just cannot let go of this. I'm not afraid of being lonely, just really loved him and can't stop thinking there is something keeping me feeling that way about him. No need to rush it though, so will work it out in time.

off to bed for an early night before and early start for the photo shoot tomorrow. I am hoping styling inspiration will strike overnight - I have my sale bargain posh harp dress but quite fancied getting some pics done in something a bit more casual/funky too. something that is a bit more me!

little_h_2

evening all. well, today started out so well thanks to a lovely big smile, in fact 2 lovely big smiles from a bus driver who I gave way to on a particularly sticky roundabout in town this morning, plus the joys of Chris Evans and his non-slushy text messages (along the lines of, darling I love you very much but have left you to muck out the horses/darling I love you very much but please don't put that in my sandwiches again etc!) which made me laugh very hard.

Plus I enjoyed the Pet Shop Boys' Can you Forgive Her, and Easy Like Sunday Morning. I sung along on the middle of the traffic on the A12 like a good little commuter girl!

Had a free lunch from Waitrose care of some luncheon vouchers which I was given on a training course a few months back. Does anyone else think the word luncheon sounds awfully awfully old fashioned?!

had a lovely day yesterday playing away while my photographer chum snapped away. It got a bit more difficult when I had to pose while not playing, but got there all the same I think, and I look forward to seeing the finished photies.

but. this evening has been less good. I popped to waitrose to get some milk and a couple of other bits to bake some cakes for a dinner party at my harp teachers' house later this week. I forgot to buy eggs. I bought a carton of milk which leaked everywhere. I cooked myself what should have been a lovely WW lamb jalfrezi but was just a touch short on curry paste. Had a couple of arsey texts from someone who I got mixed messages from. I am very confused, he took offence and while I know I am not really bothered, I also feel the need to smooth things over rather than writing it off as an 'oh well/whatever/never mind' situation which is all the energy it really deserves!

So am now feeling a bit low. Maybe this will be the kick I need to have a good sob over the ex hubby situation. I remembered today that after we had separated, he used to send a Valentines Day card and box of chocs from the dog, which always used to make me smile! That hasn't come for a couple of years now, and I wasn't bothered til today! :rotfl: Oh well.

My dad came with me to the photographer's studio yesterday. We had a chat about the ex fiance situation and I pushed him to lay his cards on the table. He was very honest, bless him, as I know he likes my ex fiance (and my ex hubby for that matter!). I may have made a breakthrough. Don't want to say too much in case he is reading.

Tomorrow is another day. The beauty of being single is that every day can be a fresh start and you can plan a whole new life for yourself without affecting anyone else

hope everyone is doing ok x

little_h_2

well. the tears are coming. I am fighting them as I hate going to sleep in tears. :mad:

lolly-lops

Hi there Little H,

I'm new to this site but have been reading your diary the last few days and got to the end now and thought it might be helpful to share my experience.

I have been through a similar set of circumstances to you, i was engaged and due to be married to the man that i thought the world of, then in the build up to the big day his behaviour seemed odd which i put down to nerves, however, it got worse, he was forgetful, unreliable and generaly not the person i thought he was.
i kept trying to talk to him about things, but i just couldn't get to the bottom of it. To cut a long story shorter, i got a letter from one of his friends, saying that he was owed a lot of money by my h2b and was worried that he wasn't able to pay it back
I confronted my h2b, and the whole thing came out slowly but surely. I asked him to leave, which he did, and i cancelled the wedding and then tried dealing with all the heartache from it.

I like you, found it very very hard to move on and let go, he was in my thoughts all the time and even though i was furious at him, i still wanted him. He was sorry but it wasn't nearly enough, but he made sure he was there when i couldn't cope and needed to be around him and he made it very clear that he didn't want anyone but me and i could see that he was truely sorry for what had happened.
i knew he was doing what he could to sort himself out but i still didn't know and wasn't sure that it was him that i wanted to be with even though i still really loved him. We had break after break, but i always ended up getting in touch with him and in the end, i decided to give him a chance. i'm glad i did, we are now married and have a baby due in the summer. The difference in him from when i took him back was and is still like night and day, even now over two years on. yes, there have been difficult times, but he is the one for me. i didn't want to believe that for a long time, and my friends/family were all very against it to start with, but now just want me to be happy and i am :-)

i'm not saying that you should do what i did as what i have written is from my own experience, but there was a time when i never wanted to see him again and would never have considered being with him again, but like you i couldn't understand why i couldn't let go of him. When i ageed to get back together with him, i said it would be for a month to see how it went but i havent looked back yet.

i hope this helps in some way.

Lollyxxxx

Souk08

Ah little h, hope you're feeling better today my love.
Re your ex. Do what makes you happy love, just keep yourself right X

little_h_2

thanks both! a dodgy hug smiley is required I think! :grouphug:

after a good long sob/wail/howl last night, I rang one of my friends who I knew had been through it all and would listen to me sniffle away late at night. Felt like I would never stop but of course eventually I did and we got round to talking about other stuff and I calmed down. In fact she is my ex hubby's new partner which was bizarre in some ways, but also helped I think, and we talked a lot about the baby and how life had changed for us both, it felt just like friends talking about big stuff. We went through a lot together a couple of years back, and it feels like such a long time ago.

Today I still feel a bit wobbly, and upset as I just didn't even see Valentines day as an issue. Birthday/Christmas/New Year I was prepared for, but not yesterday. I am pretty cross with myself in some ways, but others I think, ah well, I won't be the first single girl to have got a bit too drunk/emotional on Valentines day and I won't be the last!

lolly-lops, thanks for posting. I am glad things have worked out well for you, that must have taken some courage and a lot of risk on your behalf. Congratulations on the baby and good luck!

At the moment I am really feeling that it is time to let go. I know he is trying to change but deep down, I'm not sure how much he actually will. He doesn't seem to know any details about his IVA, who it's with, how much he pays in fees, and I seem to know more about it than he does (and have only done my research on here!) and this worries me. I am not sure I would ever really be able to trust him ever again. I had a phone call this morning on my mobile from an unknown number and I still panic every time this happens. He is younger than me by 8 years and in terms of life experience, this is a bigger gap than the number of years would suggest.

Anyway. In other exciting news, I had an email from a bike friend at the weekend, his cousin runs an events business and had been asking if he knew any harpists. My friend passed my details on, and I got a call today asking if I would like to play at a wedding fair on Sunday - no cost to me. So I have said yes!

Now I am on a mission to get some business cards, flyers etc. produced in time, which will be a challenge! I looked at Vistaprint, their quickest is a 3 day turnaround. So have emailed a graphic design friend in the hope that she can help with some artwork and I can then get a local printer to produce what I need. i know a couple through friends of friends, so fingers crossed!

This will be a great focus for me over the coming days, will take my mind off things and will tick some big boxes that I needed to sort out anyway. Everything happens for a reason and I am so glad of this lift! :j

dirtyepic

Hi Little_h,

Just a quick message cos you know at work that the walls (and pcs) have eyes and ears and the like!

I am glad you have managed to get that big cry session out of your system. You did say that it was moreorless imminent.

Good to see that following this you are a lot more positive and flipping great news about the Wedding fair this Sunday - could this lead to more work for you? Cool how opportunities just appear out of nowhere!!!

Onwards and upwards and all that eh?

Thanks! I received your email and tried to open the pages whilst at work but, typically, it wouldn't let me then it downloaded all images to somewhere that I can't find!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! I will check it all out tonight when I get home.

Taking one day at a time (now everytime I hear that phrase I just think of that (awful) Lena Martell song from the 70's 'one day at a time, sweet Jesus!' Me mam loved it, god rest her soul! Embarrassingly it always brings a smile to me face) is helping me loads. If I don't get things done, then tough, there will be time tomorrow. Not that that has got anything to do with your last posting!! Blimey I am rambling today!

Keep smiling (even if people are around, its great to make people think you're nuts!!) and try to stay focussed and if it's too much to think of - do it tomorrow.

T
aka dirtyepic

ps those three huggy things are well dodgy!!!

LittleBoots

Big Hugs to you little_h, you know I feel similar to you and I know how hard it is. It doesnt help that this year we seem to have had Valentines WEEKEND rather than just the day. V day didnt bother me too much as I know its just a money making hallmark holiday but having lovey dovey sh**e shoved in my face all week wasnt easy! My cat was very nice to me and cuddled up on my shoulder all night to make me feel better .

It's happening, I'm turning into a mad cat lady!! x

Wordsmith

There's nothing wrong with [STRIKE]us[/STRIKE] those mad cat ladies, I'll have you know.

LittleBoots

Wordsmith wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with [STRIKE]us[/STRIKE] those mad cat ladies, I'll have you know.

I'm sure in a few weeks time when I have fully embraced the cat lady madness I will agree with you whole heartedly xx