Buffy Cracks the Egg Diary 2010

Buffythedebtslayer

*runs the hoover round, takes magazines to the recycling dusts off the sofas and chairs, Cooooee?!*

Well folks I ve not been here for a while, I wasn't going to post tonight. I have been utterly miserable. More so than I have been for a while. It is money, which I know shouldn't matter but it does. Well it has done.

I can't go into to details too much as to be honest its all been a bit crap. I just need to get out of debt and keep my job.

I have given up on most of my MSE ways, going through a period of the world (well perhaps not the *whole* world ) being against me. March has been a tight month, egg screwed up my extra payment, I made one small one which took over a week to get from my (egg) savings account to my egg loan.

Plus loads of family stuff is still on going. I am sort of dealing with it all. As per usual work is a big source of problems. The strain of going in each day is really getting to me. I took a day off a couple of weeks ago just because I couldn't face being there. The interview came to nothing - it would have meant a two hour train journey each way plus one of my other friends who works there has had similar "problems" It seems to be the way of things now.

Debt wise i did spend on the CC, the hen weekend, dinner out, shopping, mothers day. I have paid it off tho. The loan is currently 10,048.

We also have a visitor coming for Mum's birthday which will mean a massive house tidy up seems like such a small thing but I have such a lot of work to do. Just feel like things are constantly piling up on me.

Am going to mark tonight. I could cry that I am so behind and so fed up with it. one of my friends has been signed off sick for a month. bless her she was collasping under the strain of it all.

I wanted to come back cheerful but it doesn't seem to be happening. I just needed someone to talk to.

xxxx

beanielou

Big big huggles Buffy hun.
Only a couple of weeks til the holidays hun.
So very nearly under 10k which is fab xxxxxxxx

*Jellie*

Sorry to hear thins are so rough Buffy.
Just get through each day until the hols. At least you've paid the cc in full. I hope you enjoyed the hen weekend

LouiseJ

Buffy if I could just stop the world from turning for a couple of days for you I would my friend:grouphug:

Nobody can cope with all that you are dealing with on their own without some support so please dont apologise for feeling the way you are.

Buffythedebtslayer

thanks guys xxxx

I think I have hit a wall again. I should be pleased about the debt, I should be happy that I have had good reviews etc at work but you still feel like you are walking a tightrope. He is gunning for me and a few others and it is just hard.

I seem to do this and it is getting more constant and more frequent if that makes sense. I think it is because at the base of everything I am unhappy. I know this isn't the life I wanted and it is all down to me. I made these choices and I made the decision to stick with it. Increasing the decision is becoming harder to stick with even tho I am seriously stubborn. Which is ironic since I am now so near the end of the debt. It is mainly because I see my friends moving on with their lives - I mean they have all really changed, achieved. I haven't I seem permanently stuck and more so each year. Crappy things happen - as they do to everyone but I feel more keenly that I am not living, not making any opportunities for happiness and so all I get is a kind of base line with lows? I am worrying about the same stuff getting angry about the same things, such stupid things. I have to say even typing about work makes me anxious. I have coped so far. 9 working days left.

In previous times when I have felt sad like this there has been something to look forward to and there are some nice things happening and the debt is coming down. Tutoring is going well, some bits of work are ok, I still, 3 months in to the year have no CC debt
However my over riding feeling is that all my plans have come to nothing. I can't get Mum to change and I can't seem to talk sense to either sister. One simply refuses to acknowledge anything and the other is too far away. I need to live differently. I honestly do.

I have missed being here these last few weeks. So much has happened to my friends on chat and diaries.

Love Buffy xxx

RosaBernicia

Sending hugs, and wishes could do something more.

Day by day sounds like the thing for just now.

Rosa xx

gwen80

Aw Buffy. Agree with Rosa about day-by-day. I love seeing my friends, but I can't help these days, but be upset afterwards a lot of the time. Their lives move forwards with new jobs, new houses, boyfriends and holidays. Mine just stays the same. I can't help feeling sometimes that life is passing me by and I'm just stagnating here, but all you can do is your best to move forwards, in steps however small, every day.

Hugs

Gwenx

sallyx

Hugs hun, you say that you friends all seem to have achieved something but you haven't. I think you need to take a closer look at yourself and your life. All the things you notice in your friends as acheivments might not be relevant to yourself. Your achievements are possibly ones that you don't wish to share with them, but they would be mightily proud of you for! You have turned school around and are getting good feedback, your debt it coming down, you have no CC debt....these are MASSIVE achievements. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself a break once in a while...it will make you feel better

onwards and upwards

Buffythedebtslayer

Woke at 7.33 and it has taken me about 20 minutes to collect myself. Had a very bad dream woke up gripping the edge of the mattress and feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I had followed my Dad up this very odd structure that was like a wooden flight of stairs but for some reason we went the side(climbing up some kind of trelis? not the stairs. I was terrified and am so bad with heights. At the top(it was SO high) my Dad got up first but the whole thing started to sway and he couldn't help me without making the swaying much worse, he was giving me direction on how to climb up the last bit - thats when I noticed the stairs (and wondered why we didn't use them) Also there were butterflies around and they were flying round my neck making me even more scared. I had to kind of pull myself up over the top and leave my feet hanging just holding on with my hands (and the butterflies at this point had to be ignored) I could see my sister through a window cooking and distinctly thought why I am doing this what's she doing?

I can see loads of symbolism in it but right now need a cup of tea.

xxxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

RosaBernicia wrote: »

Sending hugs, and wishes could do something more.

Day by day sounds like the thing for just now.

Rosa xx

Yes, think I might go and read Hypno's new diary

gwen80 wrote: »

Aw Buffy. Agree with Rosa about day-by-day. I love seeing my friends, but I can't help these days, but be upset afterwards a lot of the time. Their lives move forwards with new jobs, new houses, boyfriends and holidays. Mine just stays the same. I can't help feeling sometimes that life is passing me by and I'm just stagnating here, but all you can do is your best to move forwards, in steps however small, every day.

Hugs

Gwenx

The bit in bold is exactly what I mean, I have no new news to share, I am not getting a house (:rotfl:the idea is so funny its ridiculous) or a boyfriend :rotfl::rotfl:) I do exactly the same thing all the time, EXACTLY. You could erase the last 3 years (please?) and I probably wouldn't notice.

sallyx wrote: »

Hugs hun, you say that you friends all seem to have achieved something but you haven't. I think you need to take a closer look at yourself and your life. All the things you notice in your friends as acheivments might not be relevant to yourself. Your achievements are possibly ones that you don't wish to share with them, but they would be mightily proud of you for! You have turned school around and are getting good feedback, your debt it coming down, you have no CC debt....these are MASSIVE achievements. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself a break once in a while...it will make you feel better

onwards and upwards

Tis true Sal, its not like I haven't achieved anything. Work wise the good feedback comes from the kids (senior teachers interview them at our place) and it shoots huge holes in to the arguments of last year - which you are right I survived, the debt is coming down and I helped my sister last year. Made new friends and gone a long way to improving my social life - sometihng I have neglected this year.

I think I am angry with myself for not changing. I get so far long the "fight" with my Mum and then just give up. I take the easy way and hence am in this mess. literally my room is a tip and I have all this stuff every where that needs sorting.

Have calmed down after the dream. must get tea now
thank you xxx
xxxxx