Buffy Cracks the Egg Diary 2010

Buffythedebtslayer

I have saved almost 400 pounds this month to over pay the loan, I have walked every day, completed an average of six thousand steps and although I have been ill (stomach upset) generally I feel better health wise.

Other then that it has been a rough old month. work has been horrible - I am cutting down my hours after Easter (unfortnately it is the bit I like) which will also mean less money. due to work this month I have lost money so I know I can manage. I have been so tired tho and really it has been very little gain.

i have been quiet on here because I think I am going through some kind of depression. It always happens this time of year.

Hopefully once the term is over I will feel better.

xxxxxxx

Shoe_Gal

Hope you can get some rest and clarity when you get your Easter break :A

beanielou

So are you cutting down your hours at your second job?
Only 4 days to go xxx

Shoe_Gal

One down, three to go! Monday is out of the way :j

Buffythedebtslayer

Just a quick well I don't know but I need to get this off my chest.

The bath is leaking and needs resealing - My sister did it for Mum just after we lost Dad, within a year it needed doing again. No one would tho so I said I would. So I do I didn't do a great job but hey.

Any how it is leaking again - ruined wallpaper in hall - wall is completely damp.

we currently have no hot water and rare heating - annoyingly now we are going to bed it has come on and I am Boiling and thinking about the money we are literally burning.

Mum won't switch it off (on a timer) as she is worried it won't come back on again. A new boiler will cost around 1250 which will be fitted some time in May.

We have cancelled a visitor cos the house is such a mess. too much clutter, I have changed how I work and now work at home so therefore have more stuff here but Mum has cupboards full of stuff. I could go back to working at work but that just lead to more harrassment from my boss and so I would rather not.

My attempt at having the conservatory failed. it is once more full of stuff waiting to go to the dump. All that work. I could cry.

you may wonder why I am moaning like this. or you may have got bored and gone to watch Crime watch update.

I just feel taken for granted. I try to consider mum and her feelings, her grief, I try so hard to make sure she is not on her own ALL weekend (each weekend I have been away my sis has popped over for a few hours and then left not even invited her to dinner or anything) . I worry about her and the house, trying to think ahead.

Nothing I do is good enough, she teases me about my achievements, she puts down my efforts (well that didn't last very long - the bath) She did say I had lost weight and often says I look nice which is nice. but stuff like work and trying to sort out the house, as I have such a strained relationship with my sister I know she feels I am the tougher one and so for me to be the butt of jokes and for sis to perfect as she is a delicate little flower is normal - I know this sounds petty(!) an example we had a Birthday tea and Mum had baked me a cake, it was a new style and she was talking to my sis about it she wanted her opinion of the cake (despite the fact my sis can't cook to save her life) - I was not involved at all even tho it was my birthday and Sis got the first piece of cake and I was pretty much an afterthought.

I am trying to be level headed about it (I know the cake thing is silly and doesn't matter) but some times when I think about my plans for the house and how she keeps making these !!!!ing comments about me not being here (working) or how I don't watch TV properly ( planning lessons) and being untidy - I moved home out of a flat (in Brighton.......) and yes I do I have a lot of stuff but I have got rid of SO much.

things like clearing the garden, I had a skip hire company all set up but Mum said no, she didn't like that idea, I tried Hippo bags, no again. so instead she is depressed about the garden. Wants to do a bit at a time and go to the dump..............which we are only allowed at twice a month or something.

I know my friends will tell me to move out and just let her get on with it. I can't. She is 73 now and I don't think she could survive finacially without the rent I pay. Also I have my debt to pay and my other sister to worry about. I was brought up to believe family is important and it does come first.

I think it is the end of a long term and I am tired and truly fed up. I am so stubborn, I just keep going even when I look at myself and think Buffy if this was your friend you would ofter her a room and a break and try to help her regain her confidence.

I keep on thinking it will be alright when......X happens. truth is tonight I had a nice evening - we do get on mostly, right up till I mentioned the bath, oh and she made a sarky comment about the walking thing. Some days it feels like a constant string of put downs. I hide things, bad days, new friends, plans I have because I know she will be negative. I said last night(last petty example I promise) that I was going to get up earlier cos I had stuff to do for work. her reply was "well make sure you do, you didn't last time", no last time was last week when I was throwing my guts up and crying with pain still went to work mind you as I had got up early enough to be ill and still be on time! I did call her on it and we had a row in which she says but you always take everything I say as a criticism or a phrase I HATE.Don't take things to heart so much.

I know she is fearful of life and new things, she wants nothing more then for us all to be safe and happy. She also thinks I should leave work etc. She has done a lot for us all and now having lost Dad must find life impossible some days.

I just think today my understanding bit of my brain has given up and I just feel exhausted.

ZTD

Are you the eldest child Buffy?

Buffythedebtslayer

No the youngest?

xx

Buffythedebtslayer

I am off to bed now. feel a bit churned up! but do need sleep now.

tomorrow I am working and marking so will see you Wednesday.

xxxx

ziggles50

Oh buffy...may i come out of lurkdom to say...You sound like the oldest! haha...all this sense of responsibility for everyone an their welfare/happiness...oh dear
People like you are often taken forgranted because hell you are getting on with life and miraculously dealing with other people's ish as well. Don't be so hard on yourself you're dealing with big stuff. my heart is aching for you truly. things are bound to get on top of you sometimes. but deep inside trust your family will appreciate what you'vedone maybe not out loud or to your face but they do.
keep strong and take a proper break sometimes to refresh. i know with work it's nigh on impossible but sending you peace and love, energy and light etc

Pippajo

I have been a lurker for long enough but I just cannot read and run.

Did you ever go to the drs? When I read back through your diary you have the same symptoms and feelings as my DH did. In the end after having chest pains and migraines he went to the DRs, ecg, blood pressure etc all fine. But he saw a neurologist who prescribed beta blockers for the headaches, he is also now on what he calls his happy pills. Beta blockers do cause depression, but I think he had that and major stress anyway.

We are only a month down the line and the difference already is amazing. Please please please go and get checked out. The Dr explained that Seratonin is a naturally produced chemical in the body and if yours doesn't produce enough you will feel like carp, worthless, unable to cope with life, headachy etc. The "happy pills" fill that gap and then train the body to restart producing it. DH is not on diazepam or any name of drug that I recognised. Its citalopram.

I will stop waffling now, but will keep checking in to see how you are doing.

((((hugs)))) x