One child in private school/one in state

inkie

Wondering what your thoguhts are on this, as I am in a dilemma and don't know what to do for the best.

We have 2 DDs - one who will be in yr 6 at primary school nxt yr (and is predicted to get level 5 in SATS). We have looked into private school for when she moves to Seniors, and would hope to get either a bursary or scholarship, which would significantly reduce the cost. Feel that this would be an excellent oppertunity and that she would excel in this envirnment.

Our other daughter (7) is at the other end of the academic scale - and therefore would be unlikely to gain a scholarship, which would mean that we would have to pay all fees (which would cripple us), that is assuming that she would pass the entrance test in the first place.The other option is to go for another private school where both girls would receive assisted places by nature of my job (a minister), but again, this is a selctive school, and the younger one may not pass the entrance test, therefore we have the same problem. She is a really loving, caring and creative child, but struggles academically.

We would potentially have a situation where one child would go to private and the other the state. I feel a morally uncomftable with this - I don't want my younger DD feeling inferior by going to a different school, but at the same time its a unique oppertunity for my elder daughter.

I know what the 'right' answer is i.e. forgo the opp. for scholarship for elder daughter to save the situation of a two tier education, but what would you do - its not often that oppertunities like this come along.

What would you do?

wigginsmum

To be honest, I'd do what was best for each individual child. My parents forced my sister to go to the same school as me (best in the area, but she was at the lower end of the achievement scale) and she struggled with feeling inferior because it was easy to make comparisons. If she'd gone to a different school she would probably have done better academically.

littlemissfrugal

i would go with what is right for each child, they both have different strengths.

kitten_jo

hi
i have two kids
in the area i live in we still have the 11+
oldest passed so went to an all girls grammer school
youngest did not and is happy at her mixed school and is doing very well
both children were happy at their schools as the schools they went to were the best for them.
i do know that with oldest child one of her friends hated grammer school as she only just passed and found it too hard to keep up with the others in her class. she changed schools and was a much happier child and did very good at the mixed school
jo

mountainofdebt

Whilst I agree with everything that has been said so far, can I just ask woul you need to make scarifices for the elder child to go to private school?

If so, would it cause resentment? (yes I know this smacks of coronation street but this might be a problem/consideration that hasn't been thought of, lol!)

Savvy_Sue

Well, me and my siblings all went to different schools: eldest wanted to go to boarding school and got into one supported by the LEA (very rare then, probably even rarer now!) Next one didn't pass the entrance exam for a boarding school where fees were assessed on parental income (and if income too high, you couldn't go!), but did get into a grammar. (We're talking 40 :eek: years ago.) But I passed, and I went, and loved it. Joined by my next sibling a couple a years later, who HATED it with a passion, and left before being asked to do so! What really annoyed me was that I was forever after known as THEIR sister!

The youngest was a real dilemma for my parents, because late diagnosed dyslexia meant that full potential couldn't be demonstrated at 11, and this one wanted to go to a single sex school, and my parents didn't like the local single sex schools. So that one was bussed off to a brand new single sex school, which turned out to be not that good, but all turned out OK.

I suspect my just older sibling did feel slightly overshadowed by me getting into the school when they hadn't, but I don't think it did lasting damage. And I think with our youngest sibling there was just enormous relief when the dyslexia was diagnosed and could begin to be dealt with, because it was obvious the brains were there, but providing evidence on paper was impossible!

My main point is that obviously what suits one child won't suit another. You already suspect that your younger daughter needs a different approach to the older one, and I don't see a problem with sending one to private and the other not. Presumably if you think it would benefit her, you could consider sending the younger one to the second private school you mention. And in fact, I think it could be very positive for the younger one NOT to follow in the older one's footsteps: the biggest problem I've had with a teacher was one who couldn't cope with the fact that my youngest was not as compliant as his older brother!

Maybe, though, by the time the youngest comes to move schools, there will be an arts college near you where she could flourish. I don't think I would deprive the older one of an opportunity just because it doesn't seem the younger one will flourish in that environment.

juno

I went to a private school, but my older sister didn't pass the entry exam. Neither of us minded; her school was closer so she didn't have to get up as early as I did, and I got to be with like minded clever people and so wasn't bullied.

inkie

You have all offered great advice! Its been interesting to see that it's OK, to do things differently as per child - i'd never considered the fact that the younger DD may actually benefit from going to a mixed school, as she would not be feeling the pressure to keep up with the higher fliers.
Thanks for all of your help!

hobo28

Plus it would be unfair for the eldest to miss out just to be fair to your youngest. In effect you could be holding her back from her full potential.

Jet

I know of someone who had 3 children. The eldest went to state school until he was 12 and was then sent to boarding school because he was a "handful" and not knuckling down at school. The middle child was not academic but also well behaved so stayed at home and went to state schools. The youngest child was very bright and put into private school at 5 years old.

All 3 children are very different. The middle child is most definetly the under acheiver but is that because he is less academic or because he didn't get the same opportunity?

The children who went to private school have real trouble in their relationships, both have said that they never had any real bond with their parents who were always too busy for them or physically not there when they were at boarding school. This has had a knock on effect on their adult relationships.

macchicken

Ive always been treated differently to my brother and it affects me to this day. Be prepared that it could go eithier way and your younger daughter could feel left out and unimportant compared to her sister.