One child in private school/one in state

se999

At the moment they are used to going to the same school, but that will change anyway when the elder one goes to secondary school.

Maybe the younger one will make a different decision when it's time for her to change school. She might want to go to a school with her friends instead. Also lots of people are opting out of private for 6th form due to the University admissions trying to 'widen admissions policy', so if you did this they would have very limited time at the same secondary school.

I think you have to do the best you can for each child, keep them informed fully about the decision making. We have 2 sons, who are very different, we have always tried to treat them equally but to do that properly you also have to give them equal opportunities to be themselves.

Mumstheword

If your youngest is only 7, you do have some time to put a little money aside to cover some school fees.

We have the same problem really. DS1 would like to go to the local private school. He's in Y6 next year, so we've just over a year left before he transfers. DS2 is in reception, but at the moment appears to be very bright. DS3 goes into reception in September, but isn't socially or academically at the stage DS2 was when he entered reception. (He's very nearly 2 years younger ~ but DS2 is one of the oldest in his class, DS3 the youngest in his)

Anyway, we would love for them to all be able to go to the private school if they are academically able.

Whilst we have some time to go before that affect DS2 and 3, during all that time we would be paying fees for DS1, so saving up will be tight. We would have a year with all 3 there at the same time too (horror!!)

However, whatever it takes, that's what we will do. We could always sell the house and live in a smaller one. Might be cramped and a pain, but it would release equity. Or stay put and take a bigger mortgage. Or extend the mortgage. Paying it over 25 years would be a lot easier each month than paying the school fees over 5 (or 7) years.

There are options and ways round it if it's the best for the kids.

As for snding them to different schools ~ absolutely acceptable!! If one was good at sport, you wouldnt hold her back because the other one wasnt, and if one was a great actress and got parts in paid productions, you wouldnt say no because the other didnt. We just need to give them all the opportunity to do what they are good at, within our means. And if that does end up with the younger one unable to go to that school for financial reasons, it's still no reason really to hold back the older one. But I suspect you'd get round that issue if it came to it!

stickytoffeepudding

As with most others, I feel strongly that you have to do what is right for each child.
We have 2 DS's.
The eldest is transferring to high school in September and is going to a local private school. It will be financially challenging but at the end of the day this school seems to be the very best for him, so we are happy to support him. he's thrilled to bits and understands the financial implications.
The youngest is going into year 4 and is statemented due to Aspergers. He is adamant that he wants to go to the local state C of E school - we went to the open evening and he was wowed by the experiments going on in the science labs!
My feeling is that we have a long way to go before the decision has to be made regarding the youngest. And whatever he needs we will support him.

homersimpson_3

I feel a morally uncomftable with this - I don't want my younger DD feeling inferior by going to a different school

i feel uncomfortable with the whole premise/tone of an argument that private schools are better than state ones or people who go to private schools are in a better class than those who go to local comprehensive. private education is not necessarily better or worse than state education - some children (though not all) who go to the most expensive schools and even pass entrance exams achieve lower grades than those in state schools. why is this particular school better? what is the criteria? what evidence are you basing judgement on?
people should try to avoid comparing children and treat them as individuals.
each child will have their own abilities and interests and no one is excellent at everything. i've know people who were regarded as less academic as children, left school at 16 with few or no qualifications and at some point later in life went to college and are are now doing phds.

The other option is to go for another private school where both girls would receive assisted places by nature of my job (a minister),

no one should have preferential treatment because of job (no personal attack intended).
to answer question because this was purpose of thread- have you discussed this with children? are they old enough to understand? if the apparently less academic daughter wants to go the private school could you not help up gain extra tuition or some practice papers? don't force any of chldren into a school simply because you can say my children are privately educated- happiness of children take priority.

ruthyjo

Both my sons are going to an independent school in September (going into Y6 and Y5). We identified that we needed older son to go because of limitations within the state system. Younger son is also very able but not the complete highflier his older brother is.

We said to them that we would like them to go to the school, they would need to achieve bursaries to go and that only four per year were available across the four year groups the school admits. It was up to them whether they tried or not and if they did we would help them as much as possible. Both tried and both got their bursaries. However they understood they wouldn't be going if they didn't get them and that if only one succeeded we wouldn't prevent that one from going.

That might have been a bit harsh to say to a seven year old but I think by the time they're 9/10 years old they're old enough to understand how the world works and that sometimes if you can't compete and win you don't get.

crutches

my children have all chosen their (state) primary and secondary schools/colleges.AT 1 time we had 4 in different schools!one is now taught at home.
THEY ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS AND WHAT WORKS FOR 1 MAY NOT BE RIGHT FOR ANOTHER.

(btw we have 8 of them between us)

inkie

The thing that is attractive is smaller class sizes - 20 max as opposed to 30+, wider range of subjects, another consideration is the timing of the school day - bearing in mind that I have to pick up a child from another school 10 miles away also.

The reason why bursaires are available to ministers is is historical that the school was initially founded as a school for ministers children -, and therefore when in later years it became a general independant school - the money that was for the ministers childrens education would have been absorbed into the general pot - therefore by offering bursaries to minsters children, this is the way that the funds are being used for the purpose it was originally intended.

annie-c

For what it's worth, I think you are in a hugely tough situation, but I would be very, very careful about sending one child to a private school in this scenario where the other badly wants to go too. Children of this age can be very sensitive indeed if one is perceived to get as much as a bigger/more expensive Christmas present than the other (my siblings and I used to get disproportionately upset if one had a bigger slice of cake than another!!!). Education is important, but family relationships are important too, and personally I'd protect those relationships above all else. The relationships that your DDs forge with each other now will hopefully last them into adulthood and beyond the time when you'll be around to support them yourselves. That's not to say that they need to be 'joined at the hip' through childhood, but you need to take care at this stage that you don't do things that cause resentment to breed later on.

I agree entirely that children are individuals and that what is best for one might not be best for another. But frankly and, setting snobbishness aside, I think private schools are on the whole much better resourced than state schools, and it will be hard for DD2 not to make comparisons with her elder sister's schooling. And it seems hard to make judgements about what is 'best' for DD2, when the reality is that, if finances were no option, and you had completely free choice, then you would almost certainly find a private school that would provide an environment in which a less academic child would absolutely thrive.

That's not to say I think that state school education necessarily has to be second best - and I strongly believe that parent power can make or break a good school.

Whatever you decide, if either one or both of your kids ends up in a state school, remember you have the power to make a world of difference by getting involved on the Board of Governors, or through the PTA or simply by taking an interest yourselves, and maybe engaging others in your local community/church to get behind the school and support it to give all of the local kids the best education that can be provided locally.

That's my two-pennorth! Good luck with your decision....;)

Annie

silvercar

My elder son is in a state grammer school, he chose it at the time. It is clearly the best school for him. Children change a lot between 11 and 16. For the last two years he has moaned that he has to work far to hard, doesn't like the school and he is not as much of a boff as he used to be. We decided to look around at sixth forms this year and he ended up deciding to stay at his current school. Now much happier as he knows he's in the right place.

Younger son went kicking and screaming to a private school this year. He wanted to go with all his (large) circle of friends to the feeder (good but large) secondary school from his state primary school. I refused him and insisted he went to a private school that had small classes (he needs to be watched) and a very good art and music department (creative rather than academic child). After two terms he now admits that I was right and he is actually enjoying school much more than he would have done elsewhere.

I think children are far to young at 10-11 to make such important decisions.

As it happens I have been very lucky in that we would have struggled to pay for 2 in private school at the same time, so my elder getting in to a state grammer school meant the younger could go private.

They are both highly amused at the differences between the affluency of their friends and their differing standards of behaviour. There is no resentment that we are paying for one not the other as they both realise that they are in the best school for them.

pink_phantom

Just an idea. Why don't you invest in some extra tuition for the child who is less academic or both of them instead of struggeling to sending either to a private school ? Just an hours extra tuition a week could make a world of difference and be a fraction of the cost.x

I do have to say though, that on a CV when applying for Uni places, jobs etc that private schools do look better to prospective employers or academys so one may be disadvantaged in this way in the future .x