One child in private school/one in state

tesuhoha

My daughter (academically gifted) went to a private school on an assisted place and because all the other girls were rich she did not make any genuine friendships. She is now at university studying chemistry and has plenty of friends but never wants to come home again because she has no friends in this area. If I could go back in time I would do things differently and send her to the best grammar school in this area, who offered her a place both at year 7 and also in the 6th form. Please think very carefully about this.

inkie

The primary school that both my DDs go to are currently not in the area that we live - we travel as we wanted a church school, and so the only friends that they have are in school and not around our home - so from this point of view they would be no worse off.

I appreciate all your comments :T - its a real dilemma :eek: - hence my seeking advice on this.

wigginsmum

How about talking to them both and seeing what they'd prefer?

inkie

I've spoken to them both - and the young one is adamant that she wants to go to the private school with her elder sister - we went and had a look around at the open day the other month. Trouble - is I don't think that its going to be possible either financially or academically for the younger one to go. I want to do the best for them both - but this means recognising that that the older DD has a great oppertunity if we chose to take it.

Gingham_Ribbon

I don't see a problem with sending children to different schools because they have different abilities and characters. My concern would be that the first child is being catered for because she is bright. How now do you cater for the one who is caring and creative, to give HER the opportunity to best develop her talents?

Maybe there is a local school that has a good reputation for the arts? Or one with good success with pass rates for less academic children? Maybe she could have music or art lessons privately, whatever her interests are.

The other concern would be possible resentment later that a vastly different amount of money was spent on each child. Perhaps if they both have savings accounts for the future, it could be decided that the second daughter should have more put away for her than the first to even the balance a little?

Just some ideas. It's clear that you want to do what's best for both of them and that probably means that you WILL do what's right.

Gingham_Ribbon

inkie wrote:

Trouble - is I don't think that its going to be possible either financially or academically .

Cross posted. I would be concerned that it is unfair to send the more academic one if the other wants to go too based on financial reasons. It's different if she certainly couldn't get in, but I imagine there would be resentment if it's because you can't afford to send both and picked the clever one.

wigginsmum

Oh that's tough if they've both set their heart on it. I really don't know what to advise - if you don't let the youngest sit the entrance exam, she'll probably resent it, but if she sits it and fails it, it could equally have a bad effect on her. I really feel for you all.

I've just spoken to DH about this (he's a secondary school teacher) and he has suggested both of them going to a state school and engaging a private tutor part-time for both of them to stretch them further. The tutor would be able to provide differentiated schemes for both of them, and you can always change tutors if it doesn't work out. He says private schools aren't necessarily any better than private schools; it's down to the quality of the teachers.

Gingham_Ribbon

I agree with wigginsmum's DH. That sounds like a way of encouraging both. And with the amount saved on private fees, you'd be able to let them both develop hobbies that may have otherwise been too expensive.

inkie

We couldn't afford to send the eldest child if we had to pay - she will only go if we can get a scholarship - so there wouldn't be an issue of spending more money on one than the other. The school as well as offering a scholarship offer assisted places for minsters children - which includes us, but has an entrance test (which I feel that the younger one may not pass). There are other good church state schools in the area, which could cater for the younger child.

Gingham_Ribbon

Sorry, I thought you said it would significantly reduce the cost. (But would therefore still have to be paid for, albeit at a reduced rate.)

Maybe if the other schools are good, you could take your youngest on her own to check them out?