Help with leaving a controlling husband

Kay_Peel

PS I forgot to add.

A good way of getting yourself ready for employment is to volunteer for a few hours work each week at a charity shop. It will get you out of the house, meeting people and doing some very valuable community service.

Good luck.

mrscmd

Thank you to every one of you for all your kind words, and helpful advice. I appreciate all that has been said.

I have tried retaliating for years - no good comes of it. I have tried ignoring, swearing (he hates bad language) talking calmly, throwing wobblies - nothing works. He is like a brick wall. My children have offered the same advice.

If he vacates the sitting room to make a coffee, for example, they will nip in, change the TV to something non-newsy and when he comes back in with a long face, they just tell him to watch the small TV in the kitchen. Which he does. But he sees no problem with 3 or 4 or more of us sitting round the table like lemons watching a film whilst he hogs the big TV for news.

One could go on playing games in everything - but it becomes tedious. I like happiness and calmness, interrupted only at times by chaos, not the otherway round.

And the constant battle over mentioning money has gone on too long. It may shock some of you to know we have no mortgage on any of the properties, we have no debts and live within our means. None of this seems to make him feel safe. His problems with money are inherited from his late father who was a tight bas**rd too - but had money to spare.

This morning my husband is working hard doing little jobs that have been left for a long time. He is tidying up, sheepishly, and offering me cups of coffee. He is clearly running scared that I will run off with half of everything.

I cannot move into my own property at the moment - it is being replastered, the radiators are off the walls and there is no furniture in there!

I am hoping to secure a 6 month living in job - not my forte (I like the comfort of my own home, I am afraid) but it will do me good and give me time to clear my head. He will have to learn to use the machines and the cooker.

Thank you all again - you have been like dear friends and although reading the responses has made me cry a great deal, it is through your kindness.

Thank you all XXXX

zzzLazyDaisy

My mum was about your age when she left my Dad. She also got a living in job which worked for her, she became like a member of the family and stayed for a year. She had never been on her own in her life, and had never managed finances, so it was a good stepping stone for her.

During that time she sorted the financial aspect of the divorce and bought herself a little terraced house, it was not the life she had been used to, but she was very happy there for 20 years.

You don't need to plan out the rest of your future now - and if you think about what lies ahead, you will either go mad or do nothing (or both!). Do whatever you need to do to get yourself out of the current situation, and then things will become much clearer.

Hugs

Daisy

mrscmd

Luckily, I have always managed the finances. Husband is a retired Banker and was happy for me to take over all housekeeping - odd for such a control freak, I know.
I do almost everything in the house - call in workmen when needed, do all the decorating, soft furnishings myself - even recovering chairs and sofas - I have saved us so much money over the years. I mow the lawns, do the animals, do the gardening....
He will not allow a window cleaner, so we look through fog half the year (I refuse to go up a ladder to clean the outside windows)
I have contributed so much to our family home - including fun, laughter and happiness - and that after all these years he still cannot appreciate me, put his arm round me, take me out for a coffee or even have one day where he does not deliberately wind up one of us or nag about money - well - and ruin Boxing Day - it is the last straw.

Just to add - household stuff I am very capable with - ordering in a restaurant, booking a short holiday - I have little experience. Even buying a train ticket makes my tummy lurch. Crazy, I know. My children take me out for coffee, and to the cinema ('waste of money...cheaper to buy the dvd when it comes out......')

Froglet

Then all these things that you haven't done,and will learn to do in the future will build up your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.I do so hope everything goes well for you.Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are getting on.It is lovely that people are so supportive.Sadly,there are many out there who put up with abusive and selfish men,and lead a miserable life.But there are many lovely men also and i was lucky enough to find one.

But we don't NEED a man!! So you will be ok whatever happens.You have the love and support of your children and that is what counts.

Morglin

mrscmd wrote: »

I have been married for 30 years to a man who, over the years, has become so controlling and unloving, that I have come to the end of my tether. I am an emotional wreck.

We have 4 children, now in their 20's. The younger 2 still live at home, having either just finished or still in further education.

We have a lovely family home, jointly owned. My husband owns a property which is let out. At the beginning of the year I inherited a property outright.

With the okay from all children, I have agreed to rent this property to my daughter, fiance and their baby. They are in the process of doing up the house. They will be moving in quite soon.

With hindsight I should have sold and quit the marriage. However, I did not and I do not wish now to go back on the agreement.

My husband does not agree with holidays - the only time we have been away is 2 days honeymoon (which I booked and paid for) and 2 short, free holidays at a friends' house in the 80's. He resents me spending even my own money and tries to control even the childrens' money, even though they all work.

We have never had a family holiday. He begrudges eating out (he has taken me out less than 5 times for a meal) and the last time we had a meal out, it was on the evening of a son's graduation - we went to have a pizza meal, which I paid for and he resented because it made him miss the news and some of Newsnight, to which he is addicted.

There is much that I cannot put here - I have been a dutiful and loving wife; my children despise him at times and stick up for me constantly. However, they cannot bear to think of their parents splitting and although I have threatened to leave on several occasions, have never had the courage to do so.

Yesterday (Boxing Day) things came to a head. He cannot stand me to be on my computer. I do not spend very long on it, but as I rarely get out, other than to do the food shopping, I like to play solitaire etc.. He openly resents me playing any sort of computer game. Yet he watches soap operas (which I do not) and every channels' worth of news.

We had a major argument which has resulted in me telling him the marriage is over. For many years he has shown no affection and the children are shocked almost daily at the way he treats me like a skivvy.

He refuses to listen, and refuses to change. In other words if I want out then I must go. My husband is 66.

I am in the process of applying for jobs (I am 55) where I can live in. I am not in a financial position to support myself without working and I am waiting to hear back from emails sent this morning. I simply cannot face living with him anymore. He sickens me.

However, I am also not prepared to have the family house sold - I care nothing for him anymore, but I do care about my children.

I also need time alone to think things out. At the moment I am unable to think straight.

I have 2 questions (I am going to make an appointment to see a solicitor asap but clearly this is not the best of times to grab an appointment in a hurry) and I wondered if anyone could help.... to give me an idea..

1. If I take a live away job for 6 months, would that be construed as walking away from the family home/marriage and therefore reduce any rights I have as a wife

2. We have mirror wills at present - if I die, my house goes to my husband. He would then have sole control of it. Is it possible for me to add to my part of the will that on my death, the house goes directly to my children? I want to change our wills anyway, they are not correctly set up but he has refused. If I destroy my Will, can I make another of my own choosing, even though they are copies of each other at the moment?

Sorry this is so long - I am very upset and need some advice. I am going to book a week somewhere just to get away and be on my own for a bit.

Thank you.

I left my husband after 32 years - and it is difficult.

But, where practicalities are concerned, you really need to see a solicitor, who will be able to look at the whole thing and advise you.

If you are not working, you may get Legal Aid for this.

All I can add is that when I finally ended the marriage, despite the fact that I am disabled and there were a few nightmares with the practical stuff, I felt 10 years younger once I had gathered the courage to end things, and life has been great ever since.;)

Good luck - take one step at a time.

Lin

rachel6188

no advice just massive hugs. xox