Help with leaving a controlling husband

worriedsik

mrscmd
Do notr blame yourself for having staying power and trying to make it work , you had children to consider and it sounds to me like you put them first
do not beat yourself up , infact give yourself a round off aplause you have NOT been stupid
Life is way too short for regrets what matters now is that you claw back some life for yourself , i have done this and feel great now...you can too...please dont try to worry too much about your children now , i think its time for you now surly they will understand

xx

MyRubyRed

Don't be scared my love. Use this forum to talk and get your head straight and decide the right course of action for you. Worriedsik and Keeping Motivated have given excellent advice as always. Don't let your OH make you feel stupid, I feer that is what he is doing.
Loads of love
xx

Froglet

mrscmd wrote: »

Thank you to the last 5 posters. What you all say helps and makes sense.

My husband was married before - that lasted 10 years before she walked away (with her share) and when we met, I helped him rebuild his life. Not too sure he learned too much from his first marriage.

The trouble is, I am so upset (partly with myself for allowing the marriage to get this far - the warning bells were there on our honeymoon but I did not listen) and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything other than my grief and stupidity.

All I want to do is walk away. Which allows for no helpful advice, I know.

Oh God i am sitting here shaking with the memories this brings back of my horrible violent marriage and a man who controlled and dominated me,treating me like I was nothing.The only way I could break free was to leave and that took 3 go's before i succeeded.

What i needed was what you need .Time to think.On your own.Peace and quiet.Have you any friends you could go to? A distant relation(i mean lives a distance away).Is there any time you can just pack a few things and GO.Leave a note and say you will be back when you have thought things through and decided what to do.

While you are still in the house and he and your other children are there you will not be able to think straighht.I know I couldn't.It took me weeks to even start to relax,and months before i could bear to even read his begging letters.

I so so feel for you.It may be 24 years since it happened to me,in my 30s,but the pain is never forgotten.It gets harder as you get older but you do have your children and they WILL support you.Material things are not so important as your physical,mental and emotional state.

Be strong.Think of yourself.You only have one life.

mrscmd

I have no one that I can go to.

Because of my state of mind, I have been unkind and lost the only friend I could have stayed with, who has given me help and a refuge. Even a apology will never return their friendship now.

I have no relations whatsoever, only my children, 2 of whom still live at home, and the other 2 are in no position to have me to stay, although they would offer me a sofa if needed. But they are too close to the situation.

I need to have time on my own and tomorrow will start to look for a guest house or something. The stupid thing is, despite being 55, I have never had to book anywhere to stay, other than my weekend honeymoon, which I seemed to cope with at the time because there were 2 of us going to stay. I feel utterly useless at the moment.

hbloomers

Use this opportunity. You say you've never been away on your own... is there a part of the country you've always wanted to see? The Lake District, Highlands of Scotland etc? Going somewhere you've always wanted to see and explore might make it easier to go on your own.

Its easy enough to book things online if you have a debit card, so that might make it easier on you as well.

I agree with the poster who said to write down the baby steps you can take. It'll help you visualise what you need to do to achieve the end you want.

Froglet

You are NOT useless.That is how he has made you feel.And i do understand because this was me all those years ago.

Please believe in yourself.Go to a guest house,ANYWHERE, as long as it is away from this awful situation.Please PM me if i can help in any way cos i know what you are going through.

It takes time.It took me probably two years before i got my confidence back.So it won't happen overnight.But there is lots of help out there.Perhaps you could book an appointment with your doctor,get onto anti depressants and get some urgent counselling.

Be strong .

worriedsik

mrscmd wrote: »

I have no one that I can go to.

Because of my state of mind, I have been unkind and lost the only friend I could have stayed with, who has given me help and a refuge. Even a apology will never return their friendship now.

I have no relations whatsoever, only my children, 2 of whom still live at home, and the other 2 are in no position to have me to stay, although they would offer me a sofa if needed. But they are too close to the situation.

I need to have time on my own and tomorrow will start to look for a guest house or something. The stupid thing is, despite being 55, I have never had to book anywhere to stay, other than my weekend honeymoon, which I seemed to cope with at the time because there were 2 of us going to stay. I feel utterly useless at the moment.

Can you not call this friend and explain why you had been unkind ? i have fallen out with good friends over my ex but we are friends again now .
You say she gave you refuge ? has this happened before ? sorry i may have to read your OP incase i missed that.
Iam not too genned up on womans aid but can you call them ? are you thinking off leaving soon for good or is it just temporary untill you gather your thoughts ? x

Mojisola

When you've had a little time away, think again about the house. Will your adult children still see it as their home when you are no longer there? Will they really want to keep going back to stay when it means living with just their father?

mrscmd

worriedsik wrote: »

Can you not call this friend and explain why you had been unkind ? i have fallen out with good friends over my ex but we are friends again now .
You say she gave you refuge ? has this happened before ? sorry i may have to read your OP incase i missed that.
Iam not too genned up on womans aid but can you call them ? are you thinking off leaving soon for good or is it just temporary untill you gather your thoughts ? x

A new friend, who knows my situation and has allowed me to stay 3 times in as many months, just for a day or two. I cannot undo the damage - I reacted and said horrible things. My fault entirely. I would not presume to contact them again.

I need really to have just a break to clear my head. Then take things from there.

You have all been so kind, I hardly know how to thank you all.

And my husband has come up 4 times to see what I am doing, so I am signing off and going for a walk. My son will not let him follow. XX

daska

Why not try WomensAid? From what you say you are attempting to escape abuse, even if it isn't physical violence, so it would appear appropriate. They will be sympathetic and will be able to help with practical advice.

However, before you make any sign that you're about leave the house and thereby alert your OH that you aren't prepared to be controlled any longer, please assemble as much paperwork/information as you can e.g. passport numbers, bank account numbers, mortgage details, marriage certificate etc. so that you don't find yourself locked out and without an 'identity' or the information you need to help sort out your future life. (Get your husband's details as well, just in case.) If you think he will notice documents going missing then don't take them just note down the relevant details, you can get replacements, and if you can grab them just before you leave. Please don't go away to think for a weekend and find yourself locked out of the house with no record of these details.

Oh, and remember to clear the browser history...