Help with leaving a controlling husband

mrscmd

I have been married for 30 years to a man who, over the years, has become so controlling and unloving, that I have come to the end of my tether. I am an emotional wreck.

We have 4 children, now in their 20's. The younger 2 still live at home, having either just finished or still in further education.

We have a lovely family home, jointly owned. My husband owns a property which is let out. At the beginning of the year I inherited a property outright.

With the okay from all children, I have agreed to rent this property to my daughter, fiance and their baby. They are in the process of doing up the house. They will be moving in quite soon.

With hindsight I should have sold and quit the marriage. However, I did not and I do not wish now to go back on the agreement.

My husband does not agree with holidays - the only time we have been away is 2 days honeymoon (which I booked and paid for) and 2 short, free holidays at a friends' house in the 80's. He resents me spending even my own money and tries to control even the childrens' money, even though they all work.

We have never had a family holiday. He begrudges eating out (he has taken me out less than 5 times for a meal) and the last time we had a meal out, it was on the evening of a son's graduation - we went to have a pizza meal, which I paid for and he resented because it made him miss the news and some of Newsnight, to which he is addicted.

There is much that I cannot put here - I have been a dutiful and loving wife; my children despise him at times and stick up for me constantly. However, they cannot bear to think of their parents splitting and although I have threatened to leave on several occasions, have never had the courage to do so.

Yesterday (Boxing Day) things came to a head. He cannot stand me to be on my computer. I do not spend very long on it, but as I rarely get out, other than to do the food shopping, I like to play solitaire etc.. He openly resents me playing any sort of computer game. Yet he watches soap operas (which I do not) and every channels' worth of news.

We had a major argument which has resulted in me telling him the marriage is over. For many years he has shown no affection and the children are shocked almost daily at the way he treats me like a skivvy.

He refuses to listen, and refuses to change. In other words if I want out then I must go. My husband is 66.

I am in the process of applying for jobs (I am 55) where I can live in. I am not in a financial position to support myself without working and I am waiting to hear back from emails sent this morning. I simply cannot face living with him anymore. He sickens me.

However, I am also not prepared to have the family house sold - I care nothing for him anymore, but I do care about my children.

I also need time alone to think things out. At the moment I am unable to think straight.

I have 2 questions (I am going to make an appointment to see a solicitor asap but clearly this is not the best of times to grab an appointment in a hurry) and I wondered if anyone could help.... to give me an idea..

1. If I take a live away job for 6 months, would that be construed as walking away from the family home/marriage and therefore reduce any rights I have as a wife

2. We have mirror wills at present - if I die, my house goes to my husband. He would then have sole control of it. Is it possible for me to add to my part of the will that on my death, the house goes directly to my children? I want to change our wills anyway, they are not correctly set up but he has refused. If I destroy my Will, can I make another of my own choosing, even though they are copies of each other at the moment?

Sorry this is so long - I am very upset and need some advice. I am going to book a week somewhere just to get away and be on my own for a bit.

Thank you.

whitelillies

MY sister is going through a similar sort of thing at the moment. If you have a child in further education then i think you are entitled to stay in the house until the child finishes their education. Please find a solicitor, many give half an hours free advice, so if you have time go to a couple and see which one suits you. As for the wills you can change the will at any time. I wasnt married but i had a mirror will with my partner and when we split i went and had another will made which i was told revoked any other will that was made before the new one. I also didnt use a solicitor that my partner knew. Im also going through a split with my partner and i too could do with a week away on a desert island preferably so i can get my head together.

Mojisola

Good for you for having the courage to get out of this relationship at long last!

From a practical point of view, you can make a new will whenever you want, saying whatever you want. There will be a clause in the new will saying that all previous wills are now void. Get it done as soon as you can - it will be a positive step and each step you take will give you confidence.

I think your children need to start acting like grownups. If they are shocked at the way he treats you, why on earth aren't they supporting you in getting a new life?

I'm sure other people with personal experience of this situation will come on with good advice but in the meantime, get yourself some space and look forward to your new life!

mrscmd

Thank you. The trouble is, whilst I agree I probably do have a right to stay in the house, the near hatred that he appears to feel for me, especially now, is something I cannot live with.
I can give an air of being thickskinned for a short while, but inside I am dying and I have to get away from him. Nothing will make him leave the home whatsoever.
He actually does not care. I spoke a few words to him a few minutes ago - he just shrugs and walks away and tells me not to be stupid.

mountainofdebt

but now is the time to think of you and not your children.

Be honest, if one of your children was in such a relationship would you want them to stay in it for your sake? I bet the answer to the question is no.

As far as the wills are concerned you can make your own will at any time doing what you will (no pun intended!) with any of your assets. As a matter of interest do you 'own' half the house in the sense that if you were to die then you could leave your half to whoever or if you died would the house automatically be passed to your husband as the surviving co-owner so to speak. You don't need your husbands permission to alter your will.

And to give you some idea of my situation I BEGGED my mum to go to a solicitor when it was obvious my parents' marriage was on its way out.

Turtle

Hello mrscmd. I am also in the process of splitting with my partner, after 14 years, no children. We too have mirror wills which we will both be changing. You however can change yours anytime - if he chooses not to do so then that is his lookout. I'm 34 and quite scared of upsetting the status quo so I applaud you having the courage to make this decision a little bit later in life (sorry if you think that's patronising - it certainly is not meant that way).

Very best of luck to you and let us know how you get on.

mrscmd

At the moment, he had the Wills done to cover possible carehome fees - so when the first one dies, all four children inherit that half of the family house.

I have been told there could be problems with the Wills - they were done quite cheaply, and I wanted to get them looked at, as the firm that did them have been discredited. But he refuses (might cost more money..)

..and my children are disgusted with him at times (he is not all bad) but they hope that if they continue to pull him up, he will change. But it is the lack of affection too, which perhaps one does not discuss with children.

mrscmd

Dear Turtle

Not patronising - thank you X

whitelillies

I Left a controlling, manipilating man and then like a fool i got back with him and two years later (luckily i sold our home and got a place of my own when we 1st split) hes not changed. All situations are different, but somehow i can partly understand how you feel. A controlling man is an abusive man and emotional abuse is harder to deal with than anyother abuse because its not something you can see. If a partner physically hurts you, you can feel it, if they have an affair you can see it, but in my case my partner was so charming with me infront of friends and like people say no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. People just didnt see what i was going through and couldnt believe he was like that with me. But now they do and im still recovering. So put yourself first and think about whats best for you. Your children will grow up and have partners and children of their own and no one knows what the future holds and the money in the will/houses is what you need to help yourself at this time. Dont think of the future just think of the present and take each day at a time.

mountainofdebt

OP - do you really think your OH as the capacity to change or would he not even notice if you left? When your children has raised the subject of his behaviour what has been his attitude?

It's easy for me to say leave him but I don't have to deal with the emotional or financial fallout this would cause but all I will say is that life is not an 800 metre race.

Errata

Very brief answer to your questions -
1)No
2) Make a new will