Help with leaving a controlling husband

Errata

Can I just say that if your son will not let your OH follow you, then it's probable that all the children know how dire things are. In light of this, wouldn't either of your two children put you up for a week or a couple of weeks until you can sort out some accommodation for yourself?

worriedsik

mrscmd wrote: »

A new friend, who knows my situation and has allowed me to stay 3 times in as many months, just for a day or two. I cannot undo the damage - I reacted and said horrible things. My fault entirely. I would not presume to contact them again.

I need really to have just a break to clear my head. Then take things from there.

You have all been so kind, I hardly know how to thank you all.

My doctor is a family friend - and to be utterly frank, if I had my hands on any pills just at the moment...........this is why I need to get away. I just feel completely lost and alone. I cannot go on burdening my children with this.

And my husband has come up 4 times to see what I am doing, so I am signing off and going for a walk. My son will not let him follow. XX

i have sent you a pm i hope you know how to retrieve messages from your inbox as i notice you are a new user ?

please call somebody either womans aid or the Samaritans even if you can take your mobile out with you whilst going for a walk and call them from there
look up there numbers first on the pc , i will look soon and leave a link or iff somebody know it can they leave a link please

worriedsik

womans aid

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

worriedsik

womans aid freephone number open 24hrs , please call them and they will advise you

tel: 0808 2000 247

zzzLazyDaisy

Just sending you a hug. My cuz walked away from her marriage two months before her 30th wedding anniversary. She was so scared of going out into the world on her own that she left it until she really could stand it no longer.

It was hard for her - she had never handled money - all the bills and bank accounts were in her OH's name, and when her mum died leaving her some 'running away money' he 'invested it' in a new car (supposedly for the family, but actually she was never allowed to drive it).

But you should see her today, three years later - she has her own home, she has lost weight, had her hair restyled and looks ten years younger - she also has a new man in her life who ADORES her.

So take heart, your life is just beginning.

As to the practicalities - check your local authority website for the LHA allowance in your area (you are allowed a one bedroom place) You have the rent from the house (it is taxable, but if it is your only income you won't pay much tax). You might feel safer/happier if you get lodgings or a room in a shared house to start with, as a stepping stone, at least then you won't have to worry about bills etc straight away. There are lots of flat share and rent-a-room sites.

Then go to entitledto.co.uk and put your figures in, and see what you are entitled to in benefits. It won't be much but it will be a start.

Once you are away, things won't seem so bad, and you'll be able to take your time and decide what to do from there.

The best advice I can give you is 'hold your nose and jump' it won't be as bad as you think xxx

Mutter_2

I wish mrsmcd, that you hadn't let your daughter rent the inherited house, you could have used it a much needed bolt hole for yourself for a while.

You say you wish to preserve the family home for your children to return to. Idyllic Christmas gatherings, Summer barbecues, Christening parties? But you won't be there, and even if the children visit their father at first, that would soon tail off.

You seriously need to consider divorce. That may be the only way you can preserve the family home with the one parent in residence who the children wish to visit, you.
Otherwise the large family home would become a sad relic, with just your husband there and the children visiting you in your new place.

When you see your Solicitor, enquire about severing joint tenancy on the family home. From what you say, this has already been attempted, but poorly.

The two other properties may be included in the marital financial pot.

Inherited property, could I believe be exempt, provided rent, for instance hadn't benefitted the family purse, a solicitor will know of course.

I appreciate what you wish for, which is the family home, so your children can visit you there.

You may or may not have to bargain something in return to achieve that. At least there is something to bargain with, and that is the two other houses, plus perhaps his pension, shares etc.

Seems to me, you are in a solid situation regarding divorce, as a very long marriage and bargaining power.

You ask if leaving the family home could weaken your case?

I know that fathers of young children are advised to stay put, but I have read it makes no difference where only adults are involved.

Personally, I would stay. There must be a spare room you can move into. It's easier than moving back in at a later date.
See more than one solicitor for an initial free, or fixed fee thirty minutes and state what you want, i.e to keep TFH.

Liquorice_Twirls

I think in a way it might be better for you not to stay with your children when you leave, as your husband might find reasons to call round to see them or somehow cajole them into letting him know what you're doing ("I'm worried about her etc).

There are refuges where you can go to if there are spaces. If you have no money or income you should get benefits, certainly until your finances are sorted and your houses sold or whatever.

Do you have access to money? This would clearly allow you to make choices in the short term. Make sure you (I suggest without him knowing) get vital documents such as some bank statements, your passport, birth certificates etc so you can start your own financial life after you leave. It's easier with the documents rather than having to request new ones.

Assume that your husband will freeze any joint accounts or clear them the minute you leave if not sooner. If he knows you're determined this is more likely. That money is half yours so consider taking what you believe is a reasonable amount to tide you over. If you feel bad about this, don't, because in the worst scenario it will be knocked off your share of the settlement ultimately so you're taking nothing really.

It is a huge worry when you leave, but you are entitled - to benefits in the short term and a large share of the assets of your marriage. After all you have given 30 years and brought up 4 children. Just because it's not in your name doesn't mean you haven't a share of it.

Most of all please keep yourself very safe now and when you leave. You haven't said he has been violent before but if he feels he is losing control this might be the time it starts. And even if he isn't violent he will in all probability get even more controlling, preventing you access to your paperwork or possessions so try to think about what you will need. The police will support you in gaining access to your home if you feel afraid to do it alone and don't want to involve kids.

I think you can change your will whenever you want, however if you were still married at time of your death I have a feeling he might be able to claim. I understand that your will is void on divorce but of course you do need some good legal advice.

Please take care and well done for looking after yourself for once. It's so hard when you've spent a long time doing it for other people.

Hugs x

Nixer

30 years marriage, even if it wasn't happy, is a long time. No wonder you are a bit shellshocked and you probably need a bit of time to grieve or take stock.
You seem to be really hell bent on considering your children in all this, but they aren't married to him, you are. You need to put yourself first for a while my dear.
Would there be room to stay for a while in the house your daughter rents from you? I think that would be my first port of call.
You said that you have never done things before like booking a room - well there are probably a lot of things like that, that it would be good for you to learn to do. It isn't difficult. Agree with all the "baby steps" posts - it must seem as if you have a mountain to climb but if you break it down into smaller tasks it will be much easier for you. I'd start with the will.
Good luck - it probably seems scary and difficult now, but it will get easier.

julliff

He is also very clever at putting on the 'poor little me' act - he can be so hang dog at times, that people feel sorry for him.

And yes - on the outside, he gives the appearance of being a super, considerate, loving and funny chap - then, at home it all changes. Only my children know him completely for what he is, although he has been getting worse recently and now other people are noticing.

And, of course, things were more bearable when he was out all day working. He has no hobbies, he does nothing other than moan and read/watch news and I am stifled. He also follows me about the house, even when I go to the bathroom..his reason..he just wants to know where I am.

I just wanted to send you my support, as I feel I know how you feel. It is very difficult to ignore the "poor me" signals that these men send out, but just remember that he only feels sorry for himself, but not the way he has treated you over many years.

Good luck on starting a new and peaceful life!

daska

localhero might be able to point you in the right direction about changing your will