Help with leaving a controlling husband

Mutter_2

Lazy Daisy, I don't see why LHA would consider OP for housing as they would consider she had made herself homeless. Not to mention that she owns a house outright too.

As for house share? I can't think of anything worse. After a lovely family home? Nooooo!

I imagine OP is considering becoming a live in Housekeeper. At times of real despair, I too have thought of that, though dismissed it fairly swiftly.

Oldernotwiser

Mutter wrote: »

As for house share? I can't think of anything worse. After a lovely family home? Nooooo!

I imagine OP is considering becoming a live in Housekeeper. At times of real despair, I too have thought of that, though dismissed it fairly swiftly.

I would think that a houseshare would be an improvement from being, basically, a servant in someone else's home. That's why it seems crazy to me for the OP to be considering this, just so that her adult children will have a base to come back to!

zzzLazyDaisy

Mutter wrote: »

Lazy Daisy, I don't see why LHA would consider OP for housing as they would consider she had made herself homeless. .

I think you are confusing the rules relating to the provision of social housing and the benefits available to those in privately rented accommodation.

LHA is local housing allowance, it is to assist people with paying rent in privately rented accommodation. 'Intentional homelessness' is not relevant to LHA.

daska

Mutter wrote: »

I don't see why LHA would consider OP for housing as they would consider she had made herself homeless.

Yes they should. See Shelter's advice on the matter.

"Am I classed as homeless because of the violence?
The law says that the council should consider you homeless if you have no accommodation that you have a right to occupy. However, if even you do have accommodation that you have a right to occupy (eg a joint tenancy), the council should consider you homeless if you cannot return there because it is likely that you, or anyone else you live with (eg one of your children), will be at risk of violence or domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is abuse from another person who is, or has been:

your intimate partner, regardless of gender
a family member
another member of your household (eg a carer, or a friend that you normally live with).
You need not necessarily have been a victim of physical violence. If there have been threats of violence that are likely to be carried out, you should also be considered homeless. The definition of domestic abuse includes:

psychological abuse
financial abuse
emotional abuse
sexual abuse.

If you are in short-term accommodation (eg you are staying with a friend or relative, or in a refuge) because you have left your home because of violence or threats of violence, you should also be considered to be homeless."

Errata

Unfortunately a LA won't consider the OP to be homeless as she owns a property in addition to the one she co-owns with her OH.

zzzLazyDaisy

Liquorice_Twirls wrote: »

I think you can change your will whenever you want, however if you were still married at time of your death I have a feeling he might be able to claim. I understand that your will is void on divorce but of course you do need some good legal advice.

You can change your will at any time. Even if you had mirror wills/mutual wills either of you can change your own will at any time, without informing the other person. You need to ask your solicitor to check how the house is held ('tenants in common' means you can each leave your share to whoever you like, 'joint tenants' means your share automatically passes to the surviving spouse). But even if it is joint tenants, it is a simple matter to sever the tenancy so you can leave your share to whoever you wish in your will.

It is true that sometimes a relative may be able to contest a will, but that is unlikely in this case as you will be separated, and he is not financially dependent on you.

worriedsik

Here is another web site called refuge

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

iam not sure if they would help op but it would be worth a try , i read on there that they can find you a place to stay ie Refuge
iam not familiar with these places but it may be a good place to start for the op to get good advice .

Who can go to a refuge?

Any woman who has experienced domestic violence – emotional or physical – can go to a refuge, with or without children.

More than a roof over a woman’s head

Women can arrive at a refuge in shock from their experiences. They may have lived with abuse for months or years and become isolated from family and friends. Even knowing you are safe does not make the transition to life in a new environment easy.
Staff in all our refuges are there to support women both practically and emotionally. They understand the trauma women have experienced and are there to listen. Where funding is available women also have access to our psychologists who can provide ongoing emotional support. There is also peer support – which can sometimes be the most beneficial support a woman can receive.

zzzLazyDaisy

Errata wrote: »

Unfortunately a LA won't consider the OP to be homeless as she owns a property in addition to the one she co-owns with her OH.

This will not prevent her from claiming Local Housing Allowance if the property is tenanted at a market rent, but the income will be taken into account when deciding what she is entitled to, if anything.

Froglet

worriedsik wrote: »

Here is another web site called refuge

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

iam not sure if they would help op but it would be worth a try , i read on there that they can find you a place to stay ie Refuge
iam not familiar with these places but it may be a good place to start for the op to get good advice .

Who can go to a refuge?

Any woman who has experienced domestic violence – emotional or physical – can go to a refuge, with or without children.

More than a roof over a woman’s head

Women can arrive at a refuge in shock from their experiences. They may have lived with abuse for months or years and become isolated from family and friends. Even knowing you are safe does not make the transition to life in a new environment easy.
Staff in all our refuges are there to support women both practically and emotionally. They understand the trauma women have experienced and are there to listen. Where funding is available women also have access to our psychologists who can provide ongoing emotional support. There is also peer support – which can sometimes be the most beneficial support a woman can receive.

This is quite possibly the best option at the moment.It will allow this poor lady time to think,get the help she needs,and the counselling,which is of great use.

I wa very depressed last year,several obvious reasons and others not so.The doctor very wisely saw the need for counselling and it helped me immensely to come to terms with all i had been through,even that many years ago.I should have had it at the time,not 27 years later,but there you go,at the time it wasn't so freely available and wasn't thought necessary i suppose.

It will save the OP a lot of wasted time if she gets the help to be strong now and start feeling better about herself,rather than letting it drag on and be at risk from being bullied yet again by the very man who is supposed to be there for her.

Kay_Peel

I must admit that your description of this man gave me the creeps. Just the thought of someone objecting to me playing solitaire on the computer, following me around, controlling the TV remote and laying down his law on whether to take holidays or go for meals would, literally, extinguish any spark of life in me. But you are still here and the spark hasn't gone. You sound like a strong, spirited woman and a survivor.

I think I would do two things if I found myself in your position.

Firstly, I'd practise a new way of dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I'd pull him up and challenge him every time he invaded my personal space or tried to control me. Try it.

Take the remote control off him and switch channels, saying that you want to see the Golf (because you're thinking of taking it up!) Or hide the remote! :rotfl:

If he follows you around the house say something like: 'I can't bear the way you are so dependent on me and need to stick so close. Go away. You are making my flesh crawl.'

If he tells you that he wants you to finish your session on the computer, tell him to mind his own business - you're composing an email to your lover/solicitor/the Samaritans/writing an application to become a magistrate/whatever.

I'd move out of the marital bed and into my own room. I'd go to my room and read or knit rather than spend any time watching yet another news programme. I'd put a lock on the door so that he couldn't follow me there.

The second thing that would be important to me would be to get away from him for a weekend. I've got a car and access to money, so I'd book myself into a Travelodge somewhere in the country. (£19 per night sale now on!) I'd walk on a beach, sit in cafes, museums and cathedrals or just luxuriate in blissful solitude. I'd think and plan.

I'd plan how to get enough cash to live on, a new home and a job. If I'd given 30 years of my life to a boring old f**t of a tyrant and brought up my lovely and supportive children despite him, then I'd think that I'd earned the right to think about myself for once.

Enough is enough.

All the best