Help with leaving a controlling husband

Oldernotwiser

I think it would be good for your confidence to get a job but if you can't, remember that you own one and a half houses, which should enable you to have a degree of independence and a reasonable choice in how you live your life.

Good luck.

mrscmd

mountainofdebt wrote: »

OP - do you really think your OH as the capacity to change or would he not even notice if you left? When your children has raised the subject of his behaviour what has been his attitude?

It's easy for me to say leave him but I don't have to deal with the emotional or financial fallout this would cause but all I will say is that life is not an 800 metre race.

No, he will never change. In past years, when I have confronted him, he says he will try, or he does not know why he behaves thus, but mostly, he says..'don't be stupid' and walks away.

My children can be very blunt and to the point with him - he just listens, then pretends nothing has happened. It is as if he is unable to accept what is being said.

He is also very clever at putting on the 'poor little me' act - he can be so hang dog at times, that people feel sorry for him.

And yes - on the outside, he gives the appearance of being a super, considerate, loving and funny chap - then, at home it all changes. Only my children know him completely for what he is, although he has been getting worse recently and now other people are noticing.

And, of course, things were more bearable when he was out all day working. He has no hobbies, he does nothing other than moan and read/watch news and I am stifled. He also follows me about the house, even when I go to the bathroom..his reason..he just wants to know where I am.

But I have to admit - leaving is a huge step, without enough financial backing not to worry.

mrscmd

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think it would be good for your confidence to get a job but if you can't, remember that you own one and a half houses, which should enable you to have a degree of independence and a reasonable choice in how you live your life.

Good luck.

Yes - on paper - I am in a better situation than many. But, in reality, I just cannot go back on my agreement to my daughter, even though I know she would understand. This is partly because over the years, husband has many times said something (even suggested a holiday/meal for the children) - then gone back on his promise, causing disappointment. I refuse to go the same way.

The other thing is - yes, if I was bloody minded, I could force the sale of the family home - but it IS the family home - all children come back to it, they were born and bred there and I just cannot do it. When I go, it will be under my own steam, then I can never be blamed.

And yes - my children are very worried and care a great deal. Like me, they do not know the best course.

Keeping_Motivated

Could you use the rent you get off your daughter to rent another property for you? Or to pay a mortgage for you?

Newly_retired

Huge sympathy from one who understands a part of what it is like.
My OH would react just the same to your plans, and whilst my situation is not anywhere near as bad, and I don't have any plans to leave, there are certain aspects in common. OH is a control freak and a workaholic, but in his own way he is loving. I am not his skivvy and he will do things for me.
Make your own will. Get a live-in job to tide you over into making a new start - good idea. ( I did that once, a long time ago now in a previous life. )
Do you own the house as tenants-in-common rather than joint tenants? I hope so.
I hope you can explain enough to your children to get their support.
Yes, I agree, leaving is a huge step, but once you have made the first move it will get easier.

MyRubyRed

mrscmd, just wanted to offer some support.
My dad , who I loved with my whole heart, was in some ways very like your OH. To the outside world he was a true gentleman and everyone loved him. He would give his last. I was an only child and to me he was my hero. He was very different with my mum. (That said she is not the easiest). However, several years ago my mum said she'd had enough and she started divorce proceedings. They were still in the same house but all reasonable communication between them had ceased. Just screaming rows on occasion. My dad thought she was just spouting off and did not take her seriously until he got the official letter from the solicitors. They were weeks away from divorce (still in same house with me in the middle) when he had an almighty change of heart. From ignoring the whole situation (and her), he ended up on his knees begging mum not to go through with the divorce. They talked and talked and Dad changed a lot. They ultimately stayed together happily until 2006 when he died. I'm not saying that you will get the same result but standing your ground and putting yourself before your family for once may change his view. It's my belief that my dad thought my mum never had the bottle to go through with things. She proved him wrong. Your children will probably be feeling the same way I did in loving you both and wanting all to to go away and be ok. But maybe you could take the same approach as my mum and shock him into change? As said above it can sometimes work
Much love
xxxx.

worriedsik

Hi
Sounds very passive aggressive to me ('don't be stupid' and walks away.) i used to have that done to me
there is nothing worse than the person who is supposed to love you saying ''dont be stupid'' and undermining how you are obviously feeling !
When my now ex said to me dont be stupid how can you afford to leave ! well that was the straw really
Being with somebody who is passive aggresive is really frustrating
i wishh you all the best and hope you can get something sorted for yourself
all the best for 2010 its maybee time for a fresh start

x

Oldernotwiser

mrscmd wrote: »

The other thing is - yes, if I was bloody minded, I could force the sale of the family home - but it IS the family home - all children come back to it, they were born and bred there and I just cannot do it. When I go, it will be under my own steam, then I can never be blamed.

If you force a sale of your house and buy somewhere else then this will be the home that your children come to visit.

It really isn't sensible to twist yourself into financial knots so that "children" in their twenties have a "family home" to visit when it suits them!

mrscmd

Thank you to the last 5 posters. What you all say helps and makes sense.

My husband was married before - that lasted 10 years before she walked away (with her share) and when we met, I helped him rebuild his life. Not too sure he learned too much from his first marriage.

The trouble is, I am so upset (partly with myself for allowing the marriage to get this far - the warning bells were there on our honeymoon but I did not listen) and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything other than my grief and stupidity.

All I want to do is walk away. Which allows for no helpful advice, I know.

Keeping_Motivated

Ok you are looking at the big picture of what you want (understandable) but as its such a huge step it will only scare/upset you more.

You seem to have decided what you want so now you need to write a list of small steps you can take this week to help you meet that end goal, it can't be done all at once. No use beating yourself up or dwelling on the fact you stayed this long, you've got children from the marriage so its not all bad and you must have had your reasons for staying so let it go and look to your future and plan how you want it to be then take steps to make it happen.

Why don't you post some achievable goals you can set yourself for the next few days?

Baby steps and all that...