MSE Parents Club Part 9

jillie1974

morning!

just nipping on for 30mins before we got to bumps2babies.

i understand your frustrations SS. mine are with my DH. I was fortunate that I had lovely mw's and DR's looking after me although when they said i would prob have to have CS i was $h1t scared. thats when i needed DH most, but he couldnt cope. although considering all what had happened i;m not surprised. but i needed DH and he wasnt there when i needed him most. tbh...and i know his sister didnt know i was going to have K that day but i just cant forgive her for ruining what should have been the happiest time of our lives.

weezl74

sugar, I'm not surprised you feel this way at all. Big hugs for you, and some thoughts:

SugarSpun wrote: »

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned.

horror and helplessness when someone you love is hurting, this can be very traumatising. Ouch.

SugarSpun wrote: »

I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything

other types of helplessness, language barrier and a physical barrier. Also fear caused by not knowing what was going through DH's mind. Must have made you feel even more alone, and that the people you needed to help you were non-responsive and incompetant. And they had all the power! Hugely distressing for you.

SugarSpun wrote: »

I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure.

physical pain, fear and bodily disorientation. I'm guessing too that by this point you were also physically exhausted after the demands of the failed induction. You must have felt so physically compromised whilst everything in you wanted to be able to help Molly. Awful situation to be in.

SugarSpun wrote: »

Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position.

more aloneness and a horrible, pointless, stupid, inexplicable reason to delay seeing M and DH.

SugarSpun wrote: »

And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears.

of course! That's what happened and now you're going to make damn sure it doesn't ever happen again, because you are a damned good mummy.

Reliving things is how we mentally rehearse so they won't happen again you are being diligent!

SugarSpun wrote: »

I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

I'm sorry your mum said that. She is putting her own need and distress in hearing your story ABOVE her daughter's. The very thing you fought so hard not to allow to happen for Molly. That's so horrible and hard.

I feel it's great for you to talk about it and it will really help.

You're amazing.

much love xxx

got-it-spend-it

SugarSpun wrote: »

Long post all in one paragraph, please feel free to skip.

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned. I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything, I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure. Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position. And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears. I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

SS- we talked about this exact thing at a Mummy coffee morning last week, and one of the ladies had been and talked her birth through with a MW at the hospital and she said it has really helped her, so I totally recommend that you talk to someone about it if you possibly can.

We were discussing the fact that however normal, easy, traumatic or horrific your birth might seem to anyone else, to you it is your experience and so even if 'it's not as bad as some' you personally still dwell on the bits that upset you or you're not sure about. I'm not sure that's made any sense, but I just wanted to say that.

I think I had a very similar birth to you in a lot of ways- the bit I highlighted in your words is that bit that still plays on my mind a bit- I have never felt so vulnerable and helpless in my whole life and it was hideous, and I was in floods that I couldn't be the first person to hold Henry. However, I have pretty much come to terms with the birth simply because the care I got was, for the most part, amazing. I can't imagine how much tougher it must have been for you, with the language barrier and other care issues.

The fact that you are seriously considering doing it all again so soon shows what a strong person you are :grouphug:.

jillie1974

and on a happer note...looks like i'll be waking K again to go out. This time we have about 30mins walk so he can fall asleep again on the way. and hopefully he'll be awake for all the group. talked to DH about the groups and he said to go to this one so its on his advice...better be good.

its like starting a new job when you first go to a group lol!!

its amazing how posting on here can make you feel a little bit better

harley1

Sugar, I'm sorry to read that you are still so upset about Mollys birth. I won't comment on that because while I can sympathise I can't really empathise as I didn't experience the same thing and I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing.

But I can say that you are a great mum. The fact that you worry about Molly is proof that you love her and only have her best interests at heart. I often sit here in floods of tears over the possibility that something bad could happen (in fact, there I go again just thinking about it) I've been really worried about this temperature thing to the extent that I had to put the thermometer away as it was telling me stupid temperatures when touch was telling me something different. Anyway, that just tells me that I care, as you do, and that we all want the best for our little ones. If you couldn't care less, then that would be the time to worry.

I'm sorry, I used to be so much more eloquent, but I seem to have lost the ability to express myself well. Hopefully this will return when I go back to work otherwise I could be in big trouble.

I think you are doing a fantastic job

(((HUGS)))

xxxx

Krystaltips

My Hipp freebies have come... Am totally disappointed... If anyone wants a sample of Hipp organic bedtime milk and a sachet of baby rice with 30p off, just holler at my fairies...

On the other hand, my freebie photobox collage has arrived and it's fantastic!! I need to set up a few alter egos and order some for the family I think... :whistle:

weezl74

jillie1974 wrote: »

and on a happer note...looks like i'll be waking K again to go out. This time we have about 30mins walk so he can fall asleep again on the way. and hopefully he'll be awake for all the group. talked to DH about the groups and he said to go to this one so its on his advice...better be good.

have a good time Jillie, and come tell us how it went?

jillie1974

i thought i was going to fall of the operating table. it seemed so narrow!!
i was more scared about falling off the table lol!!

now i just wonder if the same thing could happen again (K's head didnt turn properly and forceps, ventouse didnt work)... if i was to get pg...can i ask for a CS staright away?

SugarSpun

Thank you Weezlie, it does help to see your thoughts.

And Jillie, that must have been so distressing for you - I'm so sorry.

Now I have to drink my tea and go be professional Doctor SS at some meetings. Today I am presenting the beginnings of a paper I'm writing and suggesting that I be allowed to edit an e-Journal. Let's hope I don't start crying...

Edit: thank you too Harley and GISI - there must be a way where women having medicalised births don't have to feel helpless. I'd already come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't be the first person to hold Molly because the Germans always give the baby to the father to give to the mother, but not getting to see her for more than a minute over her first two hours was just horrible. And I don't know what happened to her that first night because they wouldn't let me keep her with me or let OH keep her with him - she went to the nursery, which we paid the private rates to avoid.

Harley, how's Kezia doing? Was it just a weird blip in the baby behaviour?

sparkle03

SugarSpun wrote: »

Thank you Sparkle - I didn't realise you'd had a difficult time as well. I do blame myself, and whenever I do something wrong I feel like a very rubbish mummy because I couldn't even get that small thing right and then the way she was born is always lurking. I forgot to put her double-thickness night time nappy on last night and this morning she woke up in a wet patch and I feel horrible about it. She's fine, happily chatting to her toys, but I'm a mess.

Im not just saying this but I do understand how you feel Its so hard when you feel as if something is your fault. I do honestly wish I could help more with the root but Im just going to sound as if Im brushing the way you feel to one side and thats not what I want at all, but if you feel counselling would help then I really would go for it. Try to remember that we all deal with things so differently and where emotions are concerned with matters like this there is no 'right' way to feel!
As for the nappy last night we all do daft things like that all the time, I didnt tell anyone as I wasnt posting at the time but I let lexi fall from the arm of the sofa a couple of weeks ago.
I felt so bad I had to ring OH at work and tell him to come home as I was rubbish at being a mum and Lexi deserved better In my heart though I know it isnt true I just felt sooo bad as !!!!!! was I doing letting her stand up on the sofa??? We might be mums but we are only human.
Do you think maybe seeing as you have had a hard few days what with the medical bill and other stuff you have mentioned things have all just got on top of you and its coming out in everything you do not being right?
Once again im not trying to poopoo how you feel just throwing it out there xx