yet another change of id thread - losing my ds

PolishBigSpender

McKneff wrote: »

Polish big spender, please dont take offence but

from the mouth of the horse just doesnt have the same ring to it as normal.

The saying is 'from the horses mouth' - just trying to help, like i say, dont take offence.

I know it is.

But "from the mouth of the horse" sounds much nicer.

Personally, in this case, I'd say a beating should give him a wakeup call. Might even encourage him to fix the smashed up kitchen.

And people seem to think that the British educational system works?

thorsoak

OP - whatever you decide to do, my heart goes out to you - it's not easy being a mother these days.

Sending you my very best wishes - and I'm bowing out of this thread now.

beginningtohatexmas

unfortunately this friend is not one living with his mum - think he is older and lives alone or in house share - dont even know if it is the dealer
this is my fear - i may have driven him further into the life i was trying to nip in the bud and alienated him completely.
he has had a whole life that i was vaguely aware of and worried about but didnt know anything concrete. all i can do is try not to guess what he is doing and hope he starts making the right choices.
he is so angry with me though and finds it hard to back down at the best of times over silly arguments so the fact that i called the police on him......
right now i am completely regretting going into his room and finding that stuff - what you dont know.............
what if i really do lose him

grey_lady

He's still angry, possibly also ashamed? (he certainly should be for smashing up your kitchen) maybe he just needs some space to calm down. I can't imagine that you've ruined your relationship with him, he might not see it now but hopefully one day he'll see that you were trying to keep him on the right path.

BTW- The 'what you dont' know, can't hurt' well what if he ended up prison through dealing and you'd turned a blind eye rather than trying to put a stop to it, at least you've tried.

choille

OH - what's done is done.

You just have to wait & see now, he'll come round. Balls in his court now.
All the best.

despairing_mum

OP please seek help, you can't manage this on your own, please believe me, I know (see my own thread ... I started off where you are now, and look where I am now).

This is an AWFUL thing for a mother to hear, but he needs to hit rock bottom before he comes to his senses and takes responsibility for his own actions. That will not happen if you protect him from himself. At the moment he is angry and he is kicking out at you, but he is not accepting his part in hios downfall - it is all your fault in his mind. That is a slippery slope and if you buy into his version of events now, you will be setting a pattern that will haunt you and yours for years to come.

You have other children to consider. Let your son know that you love him and that he has a home with you when he is willing to behave in a socially responsible manner, but in the meantime he must accept the consequences of his own actions - whatever they may be.

((((hugs))) it is hard and my thoughts are with you xx

flower24

PolishBigSpender wrote: »

I know it is.

But "from the mouth of the horse" sounds much nicer.

Personally, in this case, I'd say a beating should give him a wakeup call. Might even encourage him to fix the smashed up kitchen.

And people seem to think that the British educational system works?

:rolleyes:

paddy's_mum

What comes ringing out of your post is your son's fury with you. I would not have been surprised if at some point you had said that he 'was a slow developer and has a mental age of 12' since his attitude is that of a petulant child denied his sweeties. He is throwing a monumental tantrum .. and waiting for you to speak soothing words, pick him up off the floor and hand him a consoling bar of chocolate.

I'll try and say this gently - would I be somewhere near the truth in thinking that he has been indulged in the past and that this is the first time he's encountered you being a force to be reckoned with?

I realise that you love your son very much and I truly don't envy the hard and unhappy position you now find yourself in but I believe that you did the only thing you possibly could have. I don't believe that you have anything to apologise for or kick yourself over.

I'm another who doesn't know much about the drug culture but I do know that for a young man to start smashing up his own home for the sake of £100, there has to be something very, very askew in his thinking. I would find it hard to believe that such cruelty and aggression was a new thing, fuelled by fear, when he could so easily have just begged you for the money and escaped retribution that way.

I truly don't think there is anything you can do now (and to be honest, his Christmas is his problem, not yours) other than let life give him a few sharp, hard knocks. Perhaps if he has been over-indulged in life so far, it will do him good to realise that once you hit 18 and turn into an adult, you earn those nice things like a roof over your head, support from your family and your Mother's loyalty and that they are not yours by right. (Had my child lost not one but two jobs by not getting out of bed, he'd have found a bucket of cold water dumped over his head at 6.30 every morning - but then I'm told that I practice the exact opposite of Smother Mother love)

The most heartbreaking aspect of your original post is the half hidden comment that you "didn't know when he would stop". By what reasoning does your son think that he has the right to terrorise his mother, in her own home, to force her to comply with his instructions? If he wanted money, he had the option to get off his backside and earn it honestly, just like the rest of us. The fact that he chose to skate on thin ice through his own laziness is for him to realise and address, not for you to crucify yourself with. The violence of his attack against your property is outrageous and begs the question - what would have happened if you hadn't called the Police? Would he have turned his furious, violent outburst against you, instead of a kitchen cabinet?

At the moment, your loving fear for him is uppermost in your mind. I'm looking forward to the day you get angry and place the blame fairly and squarely where it lies .... on your son, who does know right from wrong but arrogantly chose to disregard it. Good luck.

jamespir

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What comes ringing out of your post is your son's fury with you. I would not have been surprised if at some point you had said that he 'was a slow developer and has a mental age of 12' since his attitude is that of a petulant child denied his sweeties. He is throwing a monumental tantrum .. and waiting for you to speak soothing words, pick him up off the floor and hand him a consoling bar of chocolate. .

youve never met a drug addict then
he doesent have to be !!!!!! the drugs will make him paranoid aggresive and throw tantrums

beginningtohatexmas

to paddys mum - i think there is a grain of truth in what you say. i have never considered myself a pushover, but on reflection can see that i have tended to sort his life out for him - sometimes to the extent it was a family joke that how will never be able to leave home. and yes i would have described him as immature, especially emotionally.
i tried explaining to him - before the kitchen incident - that he put himself in this position, but he is not able to accept responsibility for his own actions yet.
at the moment, after (a bit of) sleep, i feel that although i did the right thing, i am just worried that he is not mature enough to cope with 'real life' which is why i'm so scared he will be dragged further into a world of delivering drugs around town as he does not have the mechanisms in place to get himself out of it and is too angry with me to back down and come home.
(neither am i in a place to analyse my part in letting him down to the extent it has come to this as just before xmas i need to keep myself together for my other kids, the eldest of which is 16 and thinks her brother is an idiot).
thanks to everyone for the input, just being able to moan on here is helping me keep going at the mo