non existent libido - desperate - please help

C_Mababejive

FirstTimer4Me wrote: »

hiya thanks for replying

it's not just sex it just happens to be that sex is one issue

i can answer yes to 99% of the questions within in this

http://www.andropause.com/diagnosis/quiz.asp

I know myself i know how i tick what makes me laugh / cry therefore i know that over the last 12 months somewhere along the line my life quality has gone downhill whether it's accepted ot not as i say 99% of the questions in the link above i've developed those symptons i just wish i could explain it to someone who knows what the answer / treatment is.

anyway thanks for all the helpful replies theyve all assisted me in one way or another

Hmmm...many of those questions could easily live on a website to self diagnose whether you might be depressed or not....it says i might have it...but i dont

Any

kr15snw wrote: »

Actually he doesnt push for sex, never has. He makes a move, I give him the brush off and he just accepts it and cuddles me. Its the fact that all this tension has now built up that its causing arguments. Its more of a 'I cant go on like this' argument. He's scared he'll eventually be tempted away if he never has sex at home, which I can understand.

Has anyone here ever seen a sex therapist? It's an area Im hugely interested in exploring and hoping the Dr can assist with tomorrow.

Edit: would also like to point out that when we do have sex its great. But for some reason its the 'getting going' thats my problem.

Hi,
Could you please let us know what did the doctor say?

ariarnia

is it only me that thinks the difference in post responses between the 50 yr old man and the 20 something yr old woman are interesting?

about your problem kr15snw

these sites might be of interest:

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/ate/female_sex_problems/600204.shtml section down the page called -- Loss of sex drive basically all advise the fpc for advice

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/female_sexual_problems/article_em.htm an article discussing the rhythms of female sexuality, when what you feel is not normal/what female sexual problems there can be and when to seek medical help/be concerned.

http://www.optimalhealth.org.uk/female_sex_problems.htm more focusing on the psychological problems that can cause sexual dysfunction in women.

hope some of this gives you more information, but I hope more that your gp can point you in the direction of better sexual health.

Lilith1980

I'm only 29 and my libido is zip. Was great when DH and I first got together 3 years ago and now (over the last 12 or so months) I just have no urges. Doctor changed my pill but nothing so now I have come off the pill altogether and am due to have a blood test in a few weeks to check my hormone levels.

Maybe the doctor can get you a blood test too? Not saying it's the same for men but like someone else suggested it might be due to low testosterone levels

Lilith1980

kr15snw wrote: »

Does anyone have any suggestions for upping the labido in a female?

Im a 22 year old female and have been with my partner for 4 years. We're planning on getting married next year. My labido has been drying up for the last 2 years and has now hit a point where its non existant. Its now causing other problems like arguments, feeling bad for myself which in itself is causing other problems.

I have a doctors appointment on monday as I believe this could be physcologically linked, but wondered if anyone had any other suggestions?

Hun, didn't see your post before. Are you on the pill as this can affect sex drive?

I'm still wondering whether it's psychological for me but my issues that had previously affected our sex life, I talked through with a therapist and so that part seems ok. Just have no urges at all now

bundly

Snuggles wrote: »

Unless I've missed something, the poster is herself concerned that she has gone off sex. She didn't say her other half was some kind of monster who is constantly pressuring her so he can use her body for sexual relief..It doesn't make the poster's OH a terrible person.

Yes you did indeed miss something. The OP said that it was "causing arguments". The ONLY way that such a situation can lead to arguments is if he is trying to persuade or cajole her to have sex when she has no desire. He is therefore putting HIS needs first.

If you think there is another way that the situation can lead to arguments, I'd be happy to hear it.

If they are bith in agreement, what is there to argue about?

If he is sympathetic and accepts her as she is, what is there to argue about?

Snuggles

bundly wrote: »

Yes you did indeed miss something. The OP said that it was "causing arguments". The ONLY way that such a situation can lead to arguments is if he is trying to persuade or cajole her to have sex when she has no desire. He is therefore putting HIS needs first.

No, you have missed something. The poster herself says her OH doesn't pressure her for sex and never has. Arguments could be caused by the poster's OH feeling rejected and unloved, not just from him pressuring her for sex.

I am only guessing but it seems to me that you are projecting your own experiences onto the situation, assuming that the poster's OH must be the same as someone you have been in a relationship with, which is understandable if you have been through a bad time with someone. I just don't think it's fair to tar all men who want to have sex with their partner in a loving relationship (which is a perfectly normal thing to want) with the same brush.

bundly

kr15snw wrote: »

Actually he doesnt push for sex, never has. He makes a move, I give him the brush off and he just accepts it and cuddles me. Its the fact that all this tension has now built up that its causing arguments. Its more of a 'I cant go on like this' argument.

Oh I see now! Excuse me for misunderstanding earlier, I didn't realise he was using subtle and underhand tactics. I mistakenly thought he was using the "brute" approach.

Now I see he is using the emotional blackmail approach. All is clear.

"He's scared he'll eventually be tempted away if he never has sex at home"

In other words, he is threatening you with being dumped if you don't give him what he wants. Men have been doing that for time immemorial.

This man is what is called "passive-aggressive". He isn't so crass or rough-mannered as to actually demand sex from you directly, but he is "demanding" it in two subtle but backhand methods:

1) Being bad temperered and tense, and it's all your fault that he is because you aren't giving him sex

2) Threatening to leave you if you don't give him sex

These are two of the oldest tricks in the book.

Clever men habitually manipulate women by using these kinds of tactics.

They try to persuade us that they "must" have sexual access to the insides of a woman's body, and if they don't they will be bad-tempered, argumentative and will "have" to seek sex elsewhere. What they never explain is why they cannot release the sexual tension themselves (as your boyfriend has been doing for the past ten or so years).

We've all been there, sweetheart; we've all been naive young women with much to learn about men and their ways. We always think our man is "different", he isn't one of those brutes/pigs/chauvinists one hears about.

He does whatever he does because he "loves" me. He "loves" me so much that he "needs" to put his winkle in me, and if I don't let him, he'll put it into another woman - DUH! What happened to how much he loves you? Oh, sorry, turns out he loves dipping his wick (in anyone) more than he loves you.

It will all unfold in the coming years and you will see definite patterns in the way they behave.

Hopefully you will find one who isn't playing these blackmailing games and who truly loves you for what you are, and loves you how you are, and loves you for yourself. There ARE men out there like that, just keep looking till you find someone who actually deserves you. You aren't so desperate that you have to put up with this blackmail. Honestly! You deserve better! You don't think so now, but one day when you can see it objectively you will realise that you can do better than settling for someone like this.

bundly

Snuggles wrote: »

I am only guessing but it seems to me that you are projecting your own experiences onto the situation, assuming that the poster's OH must be the same as someone you have been in a relationship with, which is understandable if you have been through a bad time with someone.

When I was very young I had a few men try to manipulate me in the way the OP's boyfriend does, but none of them meant anything to me. I've been extremely lucky in my male partners actually, and am extremely happy with my present very long term one. But as a psychologist I have supported many women during their troubles with various men using various means to get what they want with scant regard for the woman.

The position that the OP's boyfriend is taking is one I have seen again and again .... i.e it's your fault I am bad tempered, because you don't give me sex; it's your fault if I go off with someone else, because you don't give me sex.

I find it very interesting that in order to deflect attention away from this man's emotional blackmail, you choose to try to attack a woman who is trying to help another woman. If you are a woman, I am most surprised that your primary allegiance is to such a man.

SailorSam

sp1987 wrote: »

I have found the programme on 4OD so you can watch it online but is only available for the next 2 days. The guy I am referring to comes in to see the doctor 4 minutes in and is wearing a blue shirt:

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/embarrassing-bodies/4od#3011320

That link doesn't seem to be working, the programme is not available.