non existent libido - desperate - please help

FirstTimer4Me

hia

windswept wrote: »

I missed the bit where you said Viagra didn't work - you need your prostate checking asap imho

do you know if this will this be done when i attend the urology clinic?

windswept wrote: »

Do you have any prostate related symptoms?

not that i'm aware of

slummymummyof3

Urology will probably do bloods to test your psa levels. As your age advances you are more likely to develop prostate problems and this can have a connection with libido. Urology are likely to be more useful than your GP as they are specialists rather than 'general' practitioners

kr15snw

bundly wrote: »

Hun, if you have no desire for sex, you should not be engaging in sexual activity, or trying to force yourself to do so. Sex is not something women "have to do" whether they want to or not. Those (Victorian) days are well and truly over.

Only have the type and amount of sex that your body desires. This should not be causing any arguments, because nobody, nobody has any right of access to your body. If you do not want sex, there is nothing to argue about.

If a man is starting arguments with you because he wants to use your body for his sexual relief regardless of the fact that you don't feel like sex, the answer is to sort out or get rid of the man, not to seek artifical means to try to force yourself to want sex when you don't.

Considering in the past 12 months we've had sex twice I can see why its getting to him. He loves me but cannot imagine life without no sex. Which is where it is going, we both know if it doesnt change the relationship will end. Which neither of us want.

FirstTimer4Me

hiya thanks for the help

slummymummyof3 wrote: »

Urology will probably do bloods to test your psa levels. As your age advances you are more likely to develop prostate problems and this can have a connection with libido. Urology are likely to be more useful than your GP as they are specialists rather than 'general' practitioners

not sure if i'm allowed to ask if not maybe it can be deleted

with libido or male menopause is one of the symptons weight gain as i've put on over a stone in the last 12 months.

ta for any replies

bundly

There is no such thing as a "male menopause" so please stop using that silly term. Men may suffer all kinds of things in midlife, from low self esteem to world weariness to low sex drive to a general lethargy to blocked blood vessels etc but there is NO male menopause or andropause.

bundly

kr15snw wrote: »

Considering in the past 12 months we've had sex twice I can see why its getting to him. He loves me but cannot imagine life without no sex. Which is where it is going, we both know if it doesnt change the relationship will end. Which neither of us want.

I understand you. I really do. I've been in similar situations and the reverse situation.

But you must understand this: you do not owe any man - not even one who says he loves you - access to your private parts. He uses the word "love" but what kind of "love" is it when he is pressurising/cajoling/nagging/bullying you into having sex that you do not want?

Love isn't the feeling of wanting to put your willie into someone when that person does not want it. That is just pure selfishness. Love is, if anything, the opposite of selfishness.

Love is loving you as you, you the person not you a body that he wants to use just for his sexual satisfaction. Love is loving you with all your flaws, shortcomings, and even when you are not supplying him with what he wants. Love equals respect. Without respect, there is no real love.

This man just wants you to satisfy HIS selfish sexual desires, regardless of what you want. Do you really think we can call that "love"?

We are hearing about what he wants. You are putting his wants first. What about what YOU want? You must keep reminding yourself that you have to be true to yourself first and put yourself first. Your first loyalty is to yourself. Don't let anyone use you.

Most people don't want to live without sex. I certainly don't. However, that does not give us the right to have sex with anyone we want. The person must desire us also, and if they do not, then it is tough, we have to take it on the chin. We don't always get what we want in life, and if he thinks he should then he is immature and has a lot to learn about the realities of life.

Yes we all want things from other people. It's how we act when we don't get them that shows our true colours.

And he's showing his.

If your refusal to have sex leads to him starting an argument, then he is bullying you. If he is the type of man to do this, then maybe that is why your body has stopped responding to him? No woman likes to feel that she has lost the rights over the most intimate parts of her body! You have dignity and self-respect, don't you?

The way he is acting so selfishly about this matter (i.e. he wants sex and he demands that you give it to him even if you don't want it) proves that he has little care or respect for you or your needs and that leads me to suspect that he is probably a selfish lover. Maybe that is why your body has shut down on him?

It could be that if you were to have a kiss and cuddle with another man (one who is not pushy, and selfishly demanding -- perhaps an ex-boyfriend?) you may well find your body spontaneously responds with natural arousal and that there is in fact nothing wrong with your libido. And yes I do realise that in the "real world" this kind of experiment is one that you probably won't want to carry out. However, in terms of learning more about yourself and what is going on with your libido, it would be a very worthwhile experiment. You should certainly do this before getting engaged or married to your present boyfriend, because you really DO need to know and understand what is going on with your libido before getting more deeply involved with him.

I'm sorry hun, but I genuinely do not believe that finding some way to artifically go against your body's natural instincts and feelings, to ignore what it is saying to you loud and clear and find some kind of drug, potion or therapy that will force it into accepting unwanted sexual intercourse is the way forward here. That would be lying to yourself, deceiving your body, suppressing your true feelings and needs, and can only lead to resentment and ultimately a worse situation than you are in now, because by then you might be married with children, much more complicated and painful.

So, he doesn't want to live without sex. Well that is his feeling, not yours. I cannot imagine a more degrading situation than a woman gritting her teeth and merely tolerating it while her selfish partner satisfies himself inside her. Therein will lie the loss of all your dignity and self-respect.

Just remember that you have total rights over your own body; you don't owe it to any man to let him use you. And never forget that he wants sex merely to satisfy his selfish desires. Nothing to do with loving or respecting you. I'm really sorry to have to be the one to point this out to you, but it is the plain and inescapable truth staring you in the face, hun.

(And before anyone tries to disagree with me -- what other possible reason could he have to cajole her into it -- if she has stated that she has no sexual desire, then clearly he isn't doing it to fulfill her needs, is he? Therefore, process of elimination, he is cajoling and arguing merely to satisfy his own selfish needs.Also before anyone lays into me, I would give the same advice to a man. I argue for human rights, human dignity, the natural right of everyone to refuse unwanted sex.)

If you are already arguing about this when you are only dating, then he is absolutely not the right man for you to marry. Things will only get worse.

Errata

FirstTimer4Me wrote: »

hia

do you know if this will this be done when i attend the urology clinic?

Urology do check prostates - something to look forward to.

danlojo

There is no such thing as a "male menopause" so please stop using that silly term. Men may suffer all kinds of things in midlife, from low self esteem to world weariness to low sex drive to a general lethargy to blocked blood vessels etc but there is NO male menopause or andropause

Could you contact the producers of the show "embarrassing older bodies" that stated it then and tell them that?? They did say this! Maybe they meant 'similar' to a female menopause

Zazen999

Agree 100% with bundly on both those points.

Snuggles

bundly wrote: »

I understand you. I really do. I've been in similar situations and the reverse situation.

But you must understand this: you do not owe any man - not even one who says he loves you - access to your private parts. He uses the word "love" but what kind of "love" is it when he is pressurising/cajoling/nagging/bullying you into having sex that you do not want?

Love isn't the feeling of wanting to put your willie into someone when that person does not want it. That is just pure selfishness. Love is, if anything, the opposite of selfishness.

Love is loving you as you, you the person not you a body that he wants to use just for his sexual satisfaction. Love is loving you with all your flaws, shortcomings, and even when you are not supplying him with what he wants. Love equals respect. Without respect, there is no real love.

This man just wants you to satisfy HIS selfish sexual desires, regardless of what you want. Do you really think we can call that "love"?

<SNIP>

If you are already arguing about this when you are only dating, then he is absolutely not the right man for you to marry. Things will only get worse.

Jeez, you sure have made a whole heap of sweeping assumptions about this man. Unless I've missed something, the poster is herself concerned that she has gone off sex. She didn't say her other half was some kind of monster who is constantly pressuring her so he can use her body for sexual relief

I think anyone, especially at such a young age, who has gone off sex in a loving relationship, needs to question why, whether it's a problem in themselves or a problem in the relationship. Expecting both parties to be happy with the prospect of no sex for ever more, unless that's what they both want, is just totally unrealistic. It doesn't make the poster's OH a terrible person.