What's it like in a Refuge?

mandragora_2

That's a brilliant site. I am saddened by just gow much of this there seems to be about - given that this is a money-saving site, rather than a dedicated domestic violence site, it's amazing how many women have responded. However, I'm also heartened by how many women have come through this and got out on the other side, stronger, wiser and happier.

OP - please take care. I can't say you shouldn't stay with him - that's not our decision to make - and I really really hope it works out the way you want it to when you talk to him. For an adult to change their behaviour isn't the norm, though. You really need to think about looking after yourself and your children - and try not to 'own' the problem. His violence, and the fear you have with you every day - is not your fault. He is the person who is doing this, and it it his blame, not yours. Please take great care.

littlemissmoney

ACEY - I'm possibly over reacting, but do you think you should edit some details from your post? e.g. door number.

Frith

I made up the door numbers, don't worry!!!

upsykimsy

Hi, I haven't read all of the replies, so sorry if I repeat what's been said.

If you are not 100% certain you'll be safe, then it's not worth the risk of staying. This will sound harsh, but he makes a conscience choice to abuse you. It's not the drink, it's him exerting power and control over you. He will normally know if he's going to hit you before he does. If he blanks out memories of the abuse, that's him lying to make you believe it's the drink.

20% is a lot of doubt to have. NOW is the time to leave, and I can tell you, it'll be hard. Not just for you, but for your children too.

There's two main types of refuge. You may be refferred to a communal living refuge, in which you get one bedroom to share between your family, but share the rest of the facilities. Or you may be refferred to a self-contained flats refuge, which will have a number of self contained flats, although they usually have a communal living room, as well as a staff office.

In the communal refuge,it is likely you'll be given chores to do. These won't be overbearing, but usually a case of one communal area to clean either on a daily or weekly basis. In the sc flats, you'll be responsible for keeping your flat in a clean and tidy condition. In the refuge I was in, we had a cleaner come in to clean the lounge and communal areas.

I've been in four refuges, and it seems they typically cater for between five and 12 families. It's not guaranteed everyone will get on, but in general, you realise you have that one thing in common and bond over that. I made one of my best friends through the refuge.

You'll be responsible for paying a weekly charge (I've heard of charges between £12 and £25) these vary from refuge to refuge, but cover all of your bills. You will be responsible for buying your own food.

Thew staff arew generally supportive, and you'll be assigned a keyworker who will help you with financesx as well as any practical support you need.

I haven't spent christmas in a refuge, but have heard the staff at the refuge where I was go out out of theiur way to make the lead up as special as ppossible. Often, the children will receive donations of toys through local appeals. But, it can be emotional.

I think you know you need to leave. I did, and it was the best thing I ever did. It'll be hard, but the ends justify the means. You may not be placed in your nearest refuge for safety reasons, but you'll be safe. And that's what matters. This takes a great deal of courage, so good luck. All the best, and I hope you find the help you need

dizzybuff

ACEY wrote: »

I made up the door numbers, don't worry!!!

That sort of made me think .. But I had an image of the refuge appearing like the house off Harry potter .. Not for muggles (Ex DPS) no idea why ..

Anyhow , I am lucky never to have been in this situation but had a few freinds I have acted as a emergancy meeting point. I have hidden things and documents ..

Every day OP you are getting closer to Xmas . I understand your dp blames it on drink , if he is not prepared to not drink well again you have a problem.

From experience ( we have a domestic abuse couple over the road) drink is not an excuse . I see ambulances and police arround weekly , Im just waiting for the inevitable.

Although in my area we had this a few weeks back . Domestic abuse of anykind leads to inevitably people getting hurt or worse.

You have the opportunity to leave , even if it in the middle of the night when hes asleep or when hes at work. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but you will never ever look back.

Please do not stay there with horse blinkers on so to speak . Do what is right for your sanity and your childrens welbeing

Have a pleasent xmas and I hope it all works out for you

xxxxxxx