What's it like in a Refuge?

Weeyin

I was in a refuge as a child and quite enjoyed my time there. Lots of toys and other children to pay with. If you got a violent partner, you will be in for a time of it with all the drinking and stress of Christmas. You and the kids will have a far happier time not being on the receiving end - where ever you go.

I think my Mum found it supportive to be amongst other women in similar circumstances. Seeing women who repeatedly go back also made my Mum determined she wasn't going to go down that path - and she stuck to it. :T

katiesmummy

mspig wrote: »

Firstly admitting that theres a problem is a big step in getting the help you need.
My experiance of refugee goes back 9 years now, you get given a bedroom which you share with you child/children. Mine was a large room with a single bed, and bunk beds in, a wardrobe, table and chairs and a sink.
The living room and kitchen were shared between all the women, (you got given a locker in the kitchen for your food) and a large fridge in which you had to label your stuff before putting it in.
My refuge wasen't manned 24 hours as there was another refuge down the road that was manned so we each had a panic button just in case which was linked to the other refuge.
We actually all got on really well and had dvd/video nights where we all chipped in for popcorn, fizzy drinks etc and hired a dvd from the local blockbusters.

There was a playroom for the kids which had staff on from 9 to 3 who used to paint etc with them, the older kids were placed in the local school.
I was there for 5 months before they found me suitable accomodation, but i did want to be in a certain area which they tried their best to get me into.
Some of the girls actually moved out of the area entirely(i'm up north) and a few of the girls moved to cornwall, one girl who was in real trouble from her ex was placed in France at her request.

Things to do whilst still together is as someone has stated get a mobile phone and place it somewhere he won't find it, i used to hide mine in my sons bed (under his pillows) though he was only 18mths at the time and didn't rummage in his bed.
When hes threatening don't tell him your going to ring the police, just try to keep calm and then do it, so not to alarm him that your up to something.
If you can, can you get some clothes together and store them at a relatives house incase of emergency leaving.
You can get the police to accompany you to the property to collect your items once in the refuge and any furniture can be put in council storage.

Some of the girls never seen their ex's again, mine found me within a couple of months of coming out of the refuge and did smash up my house, but i don't know whether its the experiance of the refuge or what but i was much stronger than when we were together and gave him what for and he noticed that i was tougher and wouldn't take it no more, and i had the odd nasty letter afterwards but nothing else.

I also have a restraining order and an order that states my son can't be taken out of the country unless i'm present which is until he turns 16.
He has never seen his son since i went into the refuge and i have never had a penny off him but i wouldn't have it any other way as my son can remember things that my ex did and has stated(even now at 13) that he doesn't want anything to do with him - one thing i have never done though is tell my son about what happened and about how horrible his real dad is/was as i didn't want him thinking that i was trying to make him sound horrible and then for him to hate me for it in the future.

I married my now partner 6 years ago and life is so much different and better now.
I know that my ex is married to a woman with 4 kids(from a previous relationship) and i really hope that he changed his ways.

Good luck and remember you can get out and make a better life for you and your kids or you can stay and be frightened all the time. I know its not easy, my ex tried to kill me twice along with all the other physical and mental violence he did and i was in a real bad place but lots of women do get out and you can too.

my experience of refuge was pretty much the same as yours so it hasn't changed that much . different refuges have different 'tenancies' though- the one i was in was 16 weeks- i know a woman who stayed in a london refuge for 2 years then temporary accommodation for another 2 years before she was housed permanently.

your experience after refuge is the same as mine too- the ex attacked me and smashed up the house & the police tried to persuade me to leave again but i said a definite NO. i am a lot stronger this time round and i'm done running away from him- he's with another woman now & beating her on a regular basis according to various friends. i feel sorry for her and her dd, i really do

katiesmummy

Weeyin wrote: »

I was in a refuge as a child and quite enjoyed my time there. Lots of toys and other children to pay with. If you got a violent partner, you will be in for a time of it with all the drinking and stress of Christmas. You and the kids will have a far happier time not being on the receiving end - where ever you go.

I think my Mum found it supportive to be amongst other women in similar circumstances. Seeing women who repeatedly go back also made my Mum determined she wasn't going to go down that path - and she stuck to it. :T

there were a few women like that where i was- one was ordered to go into refuge by social services or they would take her kids away- she was sneaking out at night and leaving her kids to go and see this man......who she had been with for 5 months :eek:

dizzybuff

Hi hunny , Couldnt read and run .

My freind worked for a charity

http://www.wdvh.org.uk/ domestic helpline , They are manchester based , dont know where u are , please dont post it .. Give thm a ring Im sure u will be able to get some advise or they can direct you to the right place.

Plack and hide a bag with all the essentials you and your kids need to survive a few nights . I belive they call it a grab bag. Make an escape plan , this is essential .

Good luck hunny , please keep us posted , but if it is all too much get out before xmas. Domestic violence increases during the festive period as a fact .

Be strong and good luck,...

PrincessPlaty

Hey honey

Firstly i want to send you a huge hug! I saw the post earlier but was on my way out the door but i wanted to come back and reply to it so i bookmarked it. I havent had a chance to read through the whole post so please forgive me if i do repeat anything that has already been mentioned.

I went into a refuge on the 16th December last year, i wont lie to you i have had better christmases but it was better than being in the situation that i was in.
When i first went in i was given a box of food and toiletries which a company had donated to help women that went in over the christmas period, and it really was a help.

The staff go out of their way to try and make things as normal as possible.

They did a christmas party for the kids and they all received a huge sack full of presents each that had been donated by local churches. It definatly wasnt crap neither! They must have spent hours sorting through it all and sorting out what was age appropriate for each child and wrapping it. I think at the time there was including my 2 there was around 8 or 9 children in the refuge at the time,

On Christmas day they made sure we had all the food etc we needed to be able to cook up a christmas dinner.

However on the side of support it was very limited over christmas however if there ever was an emergency there was someone available on call that could be contacted if you needed them.

It made xmas easier being around people that were all in the same situation as you everyone else knows what you are going through and you are able to support each other.

It is hard to do but once you have done the first step and left it gets easier.

The staff in the refuge will help you to sort out benefits and any legal matters injunctions etc and as far as im aware all refuges have a solicitor attached to them either one that comes into the refuge or one locally you can go and see away from the refuge. They will help you with everything however they will deal with the urgent things prior to xmas and then deal with the not so urgent things after xmas.
As long as you and the kids are safe that is the most important thing!

He cant get to you when you are in a refuge and he wont know where you are, he wont be able to hurt you if you are in there.

Whatever you do make sure you take with you a couple of changes of clothes for you and the kids and any important documents including photographs just incase you cant go back to get anything after you have gone. Anything that you cant replace even if you cant take it with you when you go get it all stored at a friends house or a family members house or in the boot of your car as long as it is out of the house and you can get to it. Anything else is just material and can be replaced so dont worry about things that aint important.

What is important is the safety of you and your children.

Stay strong give womens aid a ring and talk to them they really are brilliant, sending you lots of hugs and if you want to know more feel free to drop me a pm.

Wishing you and the kiddies a safe christmas xxx

gottheTShirt_2

Thank you all for you advice and sharing your experiences. Since I was on last I've put some things in place with a family member so I can just up and go if need be. I'm not sticking my head in the sand but things have been really calm the rest of this week, and I've felt safe, so I'm going to see how the weekend goes, maybe have a chat to him and come to an agreement about the me making an effort with him and him keeping a lid on the temper.
I would like to keep the family together over xmas if at all possible, but if there is even an inkling that he is going to lose it, that's it we're gone.
You have really put my mind at rest that if being at home is going to be so horrible then we will all be better off in a refuge and safe.

crutches

good luck over the w/e. One thing I would say is go sooner rather than later?.Could you store the presents for yr kids with a relative just in case (but tell him its for surprising them).
Walking out and leaving their presents behind would be awful for them.
BUT SAFETY IS WORTH MORE...YOURS AND THEIRS.
At this time of year its a bit more planning but can be done.Maybe phone yr local group and warn them you are seeing how it goes this weekend so they can start a little bit of planning if they need too.No two groups or refuges are the same but every group will do their best for you.

When I left I couldnt think about clothes so I grabbed a binbag of dirty washing on the basis that it all fitted and was appropriate for the weather

Frith

There used to be a lovely interactive site that "showed you round" a refuge, I'll try and find it for you.

Anyway, I was in a refuge, for 2 months in 2005! I can't say what Christmas was like there. My ex husband made Christmas 2004 so awful I left as soon as I could after that (7th January). I do know that the residents, staff and volunteers had a massive Christmas dinner and lots of presents were donated.

Well, the refuge. Mine had a security coded front door and a secret address (just a post office number). It was in a residential street but didn't even have a house number! It was inbetween say 31 and 33. There were cameras everywhere outside just in case any annoyed partners found it and caused trouble (they didn't when I was there).

At the front there was car parking space. Through the security door, downstairs there were 2 kitchens, a laundry room, the staff offices and one bedroom (for anyone who was disabled, when I was there it was used by a woman with a new baby). You were told which kitchen was yours and given a cupboard and you just found space in the fridge.

There was a lovely secure garden that we used a lot, even in January/February! Lots of toys and a playhouse.

Upstairs were 5 more bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and an extra loo. All the bedrooms were different sizes to cater for different families and mine had 3 bunkbeds and a babies cot! Although I only have 2 sons but it was the only free room at the time. In my room there was also a sink, a little TV and lots of storage space.

They provided sheets, towels etc and they have a room full of donated stuff for people who leave with nothing (like me) so they find you toiletries, nappies and a few clothes.

Once booked in, I did feel a bit like I was on my own. The staff worked Monday-Friday 9-5, which I hadn't realised. So they drove off on the Friday (the day I arrived) and I did wonder what to do next! You do all your own shopping, cooking etc.

Oh yes, we had a massive playroom too and they hired a playworker who was excellent with all the children. You were allowed 1 or 2 hours a day of care from the playworker which gave me time to do admin type jobs or see my solicitor (for the sort of orders already mentioned).

I suppose the only fault I can think of is that I had nothing with me so once my sons were asleep (by 7.30pm) I had nothing to do and was bored! Its not like your own house when you can always find some tidying etc so I used to sit in my room with the TV on low until I felt like going to sleep too -I was very grateful for Celebrity Big Brother during those 2 months!

If you can, try and take some forms of ID with you, any clothes, toys or useful bits you can manage and a mobile phone,

Best of luck and feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Liz
P.S I'll have a look for that site again in a mo, little son is hassling me so he can play Club Penguin!

MrsE_2

astonsmummy wrote: »

Hi
I have recently been in a refuge and by all accounts they make a massive deal of it in threre.
Partys, food/turkeys etc, in the one I was in they actually buy the children presents too.
The staff are really supportive and I found that talking to other women made it seem like I wasnt being stupid/imagining things or over reacting and realised that it's not your fault.
The way I see it is that if your seriously thinking about this then do it, like the above poster says, listen to your gut.

I ended up leaving refuge and stupidly comeing back, so instead of going back to refuge I applied to the next council as homeless and I got the keys to a temporary 2 bed flat today, but refuge will help you sort all that out and schooling etc.

Hope you are ok xx

Hi AM, can't believe I missed all this on here, I hope you are OK now?

OP, hugs to you:grouphug:

Frith

Here's the virtual refuge page! Its spookily like the one I was in!

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/virtualrefuge/