What's it like in a Refuge?

gottheTShirt_2

Am a regular but using an AE.
It's come to the point where I think going into a refuge is going to be the best thing for me and the children.
What will it be like for the kids over xmas to be in a refuge, I'm sort of confident I can get through xmas safely at home but only 80% and it's that 20% that's worrying me.
Can't believe it's come to this, my H has not laid a finger on me all the time we have been together. Now because I am thinking of leaving him he is threatening to kill me.
What's he going to be like when he finds out I've gone?
I'm very scared of going but also scared of staying, things are ok at home until he has a drink and then all the agression and intimidation comes out.
I just wish it was a different time of year, hate contemplating doing this to the kids at xmas, but that 20% is very worrying.

Person_one

Next time he threatens you, if you really think he means it can you not call the police? Surely he should be the one removed from the house not you and your kids.

I've never been inside a refuge but I'm sure that they do everything they can to make Christmas as nice as possible for the children who end up there at this time of year. If you do decide to do this, Christmas in a refuge feeling safe and secure and with a mum who has had a massive weight lifted from her shoulders would be better for them than an anxious, confrontational, possibly dangerous Christmas at home?

Is a refuge the only place you could go?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

gottheTShirt_2

I can't go for the phone when he is acting this way, he will just smash it up (been there), or go for the door because he will block my way. I just have to be passive and non confrontational and get through it.
I've got friends I can stay with but leaving will make him so mad I don't think it would be safe for us or them.
He is normally a laid back chap but I can't predict what he will be like when he gets the red mist.
I sort of think I can keep the peace through xmas, I know how to keep him sweet, but all this hurt is bubbling under the surface for him and the unpredictability of when he is going to blow again is the scariest thing ever.

katiesmummy

i went into refuge just after christmas, but there were a couple of women already there who had been there over the holiday period. they said that they staff made a big effort with them- gave them and their kids little gifts, and a huge hamper containing all the bits for xmas dinner.

i know its not the same as being in your own home BUT at least you would be safe, and they really do try and make it as fun as they can for the kids.

if you want any more info just ask (or pm me if you would rather)

Person_one

Does he go to work or leave the house at all? It sounds like he is keeping you prisoner!

gottheTShirt_2

Yes he works, I'm definately not a prisoner. These incidents only happen when he has had a drink, it's like he bottles everything up and can't handle it and it comes out as agression. There is a pattern emerging, it seems to happen once a fortnight, but each time it gets worse. It's not really physical more verbal but it's like he is getting more and more wound up each time and I really think he could be capable of killing me when he is in this mood because it's like he loses all sense of normality. It's like a different man to the one who is there day in day out.

katiesmummy

sorry, also wanted to add- give womens aid a call.their no is 0808 2000 247. i wasnt sure if i wanted to leave or not when i called them, but they didnt try and push me either way- they took my details and told me to call back when i was ready to leave. if you decide you definately want to leave, have a think about where you want to go- if you tell them an area e.g. south london, they will give you a couple of numbers of refuges in that area with space. you then call the refuge direct and sort everything out.

one thing i will say, make sure you have enough money to either buy travel tickets or petrol for the car as you have to make your own way to a designated meeting point

gottheTShirt_2

I have already rung womens aid. I know i can get him charged for the threats to kill and get a non molestation order. It's just I can't do any of those things while I'm still here because that will make the situation worse.

Katiesmummy...what happens once you are out? Do the authorities look after you and keep you safe?

carpedieme

hi, get out and stay out, a friend of mine was in the same position and her partner nearly killed herone day in a drunken rage, she escaped to a refuge where she was helped and made to feel safe, its several years ago now and she has a new life away from the drunken lunatic, get out while you can and the best of luck they dont change

Sammy_Dee

I work as a DC within the field of domestic abuse - if you want some advice and a run down of our protocols etc - gimme a pm.

katiesmummy

gottheTShirt wrote: »

I have already rung womens aid. I know i can get him charged for the threats to kill and get a non molestation order. It's just I can't do any of those things while I'm still here because that will make the situation worse.

if you are determined to leave- before or after xmas, start getting things together.

collect any paperwork together- kids and your birth certificates, passports, details of any benefits (if you claim them) and any other paperwork that you can't do without. dont worry about clothes too much- you can literally fling a few things in a bag if it comes to it. also, most refuges have a clothing store to help you if you come with just the clothes on your back.

you can definately press charges against him after you leave for threats to kill. a non molestation order i am unsure about as i think he would have to know where you are in order to make sure he stays away from that area if you know what i mean.