What's it like in a Refuge?

katiesmummy

gottheTShirt wrote: »

I have already rung womens aid. I know i can get him charged for the threats to kill and get a non molestation order. It's just I can't do any of those things while I'm still here because that will make the situation worse.

Katiesmummy...what happens once you are out? Do the authorities look after you and keep you safe?

all refuges have outreach programs where women meet up once or twice a week, and one of the support workers from the refuge comes to see if there is anything you need help with etc.

depending on where you are housed, the council/housing association MAY put extra security on your property such as extra window/door locks. they didnt do this for me as they deemed my house was secure enough, they did however give me personal panic alarms and window alarms so that if someone opens a window past 4 inches it goes off.

you can also have your phone number flagged at the local police station- if you call 999 they have to treat you as priority. i called 999 a few weeks back cos i heard noises in my garden but was too scared to go outside as it was pitch dark. the police were there within 2 minutes (was a cat trying to get in my bin lol)

vik6525

Hun. Is he only like this when hes drinking? Does he have a drink problem, and do you think if you sat and talked it through together he'd get some help for it?

gottheTShirt_2

Hi thanks for all the advice, getting out is what I really want to do. It's just the actually doing it IYSWIM, I need to know I can do it safely.
I have already had my address flagged to the police, where I live we have a project that works closly with the police and they have logged every incident that has happened to me so far.
I've got all my documents in my bag ready too, because they had advised me to do this.

He doesn't have a drink problem, he only drinks in social situations but the drink makes the anger come out that he bottles up the rest of the time.
Thats the thing about getting through xmas, I know he is thinking that as soon as it's over I will go and that is another thing he can't handle, which is why he will probably blow again over xmas. It's like Jekyll and Hyde.
I've asked him to get help for the anger and aggression but he says all he needs is for me to be the wife he wants me to be and he won't be like it.

katiesmummy

gottheTShirt wrote: »

Hi thanks for all the advice, getting out is what I really want to do. It's just the actually doing it IYSWIM, I need to know I can do it safely.
I have already had my address flagged to the police, where I live we have a project that works closly with the police and they have logged every incident that has happened to me so far.
I've got all my documents in my bag ready too, because they had advised me to do this.

He doesn't have a drink problem, he only drinks in social situations but the drink makes the anger come out that he bottles up the rest of the time.
Thats the thing about getting through xmas, I know he is thinking that as soon as it's over I will go and that is another thing he can't handle, which is why he will probably blow again over xmas.

if you are worried about him blowing up over the xmas period then you have 2 choices- leave or get him to leave. if you would rather stay in your house and have him leave either get in touch with a solicitor or call the national centre for domestic violence- they helped me get my injunction and pso against my ex. they do it all over the phone and all you have to do is turn up in court- i was up within 3 days as it was the weekend. the judge didn't even ask any questions. you do have to return to court, normally within about 4 weeks, but unless anything major has changed the judge normally upholds the order.

don't put yourself or your family through this- men like this don't change, believe me

gottheTShirt_2

Thanks Katiesmummy...whats a pso and what happens once you get the injunction. Is he likely to take notice of it?
I would prefer to stay here, but it's not him being violent to me I'm worried about, I don't think he would hit me, but when he has this red mist it's like he doesn't care about consequences and that's why I worry that the threats to kill aren't idle threats.

katiesmummy

gottheTShirt wrote: »

Thanks Katiesmummy...whats a pso and what happens once you get the injunction. Is he likely to take notice of it?
I would prefer to stay here, but it's not him being violent to me I'm worried about, I don't think he would hit me, but when he has this red mist it's like he doesn't care about consequences and that's why I worry that the threats to kill aren't idle threats.

a pso is a prohibited steps order- i got one because my ex threatened to kidnap our son. mine is valid till my son turns 16.

re him listening to the injunction- that really depends on the individual to be honest. my ex sent me a few threatening emails after i got it (he is prohibited from contacting me in any way or get a 3rd party to contact me on his behalf) but i changed my email address and they stopped. does he usually listen to authority? when the judge signs the order, your oh would be served with a copy of it by a court baliff- it becomes valid the moment it goes in his hand.

i think you may actually be able to go into refuge and sort out legal stuff (i.e. an injunction against him from your address) from there in order for you to return home? i may be wrong but that might be something worth looking into. im sure that one of the workers mentioned something like this to me when i was there, but i was determined not to go back so didnt really pay much attention!

Molly41

You need to make a plan...an escape. It might be that your local council can find you temporary accomodation you would be high priority with your kids feeing domestic violence. The local council works in partnership with others such as refuge and they have a good response. A woman I knew who was pregnant with a little one was rehoused by the council and managed to move things without her other half noticing whilst he was at work. She had an escape plan with a bag safely stashed. I would advise the same for you. Of course you need to get a good family solicitor and an injunction. Good luck - remember it will get better xxx

NowWhat_2

Just a little thought - after your comment about not being able to get to the phone if you need to:

- mobile phones are pretty small/lightweight these days. Is it possible to carry one round permanently in your pocket? If need be perhaps you could bolt yourself into the bathroom and use a mobile? (make sure you have all numbers you might want/need programmed into your phone in advance).

belfastgirl23

OK in case anyone else hasn't said this, your gut is sending you red alerts. You have got to listen to your instincts on this. I understand your concerns but I think you have got to pack up and go. And soon. You do not want to wait for him to actually harm you. Or the children. So just go. Now. It's Xmas, he will be drinking, when he's drinking you're fearful for your life, so you need to get out of there.

As for refuges I've known some people who work in them and they are excellent, it's not the kind of job someone goes into unless they really want to support people in your position. Yes it will be stressful and difficult but you'll be celebrating Xmas with your kids alive and unbruised.

Please please just go. You do not want to be sitting in the house waiting for him to turn up again. And to be honest if you get into the system ahead of the Christmas rush (not saying this flippantly but Xmas is a time when domestic violence is rife) then you are ahead in the queue.

Once you're out and safe and he has accepted the situation then you can figure out a strategy for getting him out of the house etc.

Honestly I don't think you should wait and see what happens.

good luck whatever you choose to do.

astonsmummy

Hi
I have recently been in a refuge and by all accounts they make a massive deal of it in threre.
Partys, food/turkeys etc, in the one I was in they actually buy the children presents too.
The staff are really supportive and I found that talking to other women made it seem like I wasnt being stupid/imagining things or over reacting and realised that it's not your fault.
The way I see it is that if your seriously thinking about this then do it, like the above poster says, listen to your gut.

I ended up leaving refuge and stupidly comeing back, so instead of going back to refuge I applied to the next council as homeless and I got the keys to a temporary 2 bed flat today, but refuge will help you sort all that out and schooling etc.

Hope you are ok xx