What's it like in a Refuge?

chickaroonee

I just wanted to say, trust your instincts, and please please go. You and your children deserve to be safe, and you know you're not. Sorry to be blunt but it's a question of when not if he does it again, so please, as difficult as it is, take those first steps.

Good luck xx

MissMotivation

My Sister was in a refuge for 4 months at the beginning of this year, she, like you, was living with someone who turned nasty as soon as he had a drink. I don't want to use scare tactics but I urge you to get out of this situation before it's too late.

in my Sister's case her now ex-partner beat her for hours and hours, with my 2 year old neice in the house, in the end the neighbours called the Police because they could hear the screams from both my Sister and her Daughter, when the Police kicked the door in he was on top of her with his hands around her neck and he nearly killed her! Luckily she got away with a broken jaw and the most awful bruising I have ever seen in my life!

The refuge she was in was lovely, it was a large, secure house and everyone had their own room, there were other people there with children and by all accounts it wasn't as bad as she was expecting.

She is now in her own privately rented home, which the Local Authority and Social Services helped her find and away from the abusive ex.

I'm not saying this will happen to you but trust your gut instincts.

teacherandmum

i worked in a refuge a while back as a child's play worker. My job wasn't dealing with the women but the accomadation was basci and ladies were expected to keep bedrooms, kitchen and living room clean and tidy. ladies and children used to turn up with nothing and they were always given plenty of clothes, toiletries and food.
local schooling was found for the children but i found many had to be talked into going because they were worrried about being away from mum. the children got very protective about their mums.
My job was to provide play opportunities for the chhildren. we usually stayed in the house and played board games, did arts and crafts, gardening, cooking etc. it really depended on the age and sex of the children. there was a quick turnover of women and children becuase other accomadation was found pretty quickly

ceebeeby

Xmas will be fine, because you will be safe and so will your children.

It is the start of your new, safe and secure lives together! That is the best gift you can give to yourself and your children right now.

Don't wait until next time - go now, whilst you still can!

Good luck and keep posting to let us know you're okay! x

Icanandwillsavemoney

NowWhat wrote: »

Just a little thought - after your comment about not being able to get to the phone if you need to:

- mobile phones are pretty small/lightweight these days. Is it possible to carry one round permanently in your pocket? If need be perhaps you could bolt yourself into the bathroom and use a mobile? (make sure you have all numbers you might want/need programmed into your phone in advance).

Could you hide a phone in the bathroom? Leave it switched off until you feel you need it.

I was in a refuge many years ago over Xmas, it wasn't easy being away from our home but I have never looked back. The other women have been through similar and many a lot worse. you will find them all very supportive and the staff more so.

If you do not feel safe then you need to either call the police or maybe organise a place and leave when your H is at work possbly.

sp1987

If your husband threatens to kill you when you say you are going to leave him that is not a good place for your children to be, end of. It could be 'just words' as he hopes that would be enough or it could be a serious threat. Why the hell wait to find out? Get out. If he gets help and sorts himself out (you say he has not been violent yet, unless I read it wrong?) then there may be a future for you, but currently all you will have is children picking up on discomfort and insecurity of their parents. Mine used to argue very agressively after drinking (non violent) and they never knew the lengths I went to at 3-6 years old to see the arguments (would hide on the stairs/in the next room as hearing the arguments made me sure that nobody was getting hurt. I could not hear them from my bedroom so could not be sure that they were ok, so had to get up and sit within earshot at whatever time in the morning it was). Do not think that your children have 'missed' it, my parents have no idea I ever heard anything.

Your children are the most important thing in your life and protecting them is what matters, which means protecting their mother.

System

don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run. i hope whatever you choose to do works out for you and that you (and kids) stay safe

Mupette

The Christmas period is upon us now, the drinking etc.

I would suggest like others get out now before the next drinking session.

Think about what the children see, and even if they don't see they will hear, not to mention the tension in the house.

You could wait and hope that he will change, he won't not without help, and then he has to accept it.

Christmas in a refuge may not be brilliant and luxurious, but you will all be safe and amongst others who are going through the same, and lots of support that you really need.

Stuff Christmas at home, if that was me, when he goes to work tomorrow, I'd be packing some bags grabbing the kids and getting out of there.

mandragora_2

I hope you've taken heart from the fantastic advice and support you've been given. I know a little through my work about this area, and I would say get the best advice and support you can, and get out - do it once, do it well, because this is the most difficult part of the whole operation, but the most important part. You and your kids will be better better better for it, once you're away from this nightmare.

If the drink is a trigger, and he's now in a pattern of episodes which are once a fortnight or so, then two things occur to me:
1. It's unlikely to get any better or less frequent from here on in
2. There's a choice he's now making which is quite a worrying one. He chooses to drink, then he chooses to come home and abuse. The drink isn't the problem, it's a tool he's using so he can do what he was always going to do anyway. He could well be telling himself he 'needs' to be drunk in order to do what he's going to do next, but he is going to do it - the drink is just his way of giving himself permission to get on with it, if you see what I mean.


This must be very, very frightening for you all. Please take great care - what you already have shown is great courage - do what you need to do now, and I think you know what that is, and take the best advice and support you can possibly lay your hands on. Good luck ,and we'll be here.

shellsuit

Oh this is so sad

I can't imagine how some women feel, trying to hold everything together and putting on a brave face for the kids, when inside they are on eggshells and petrified deep down of when 'he' walks in and what kind of mood he is going to be in.

If you are worried then you must do something. How old are your children?

If your bloke goes drinking over Christmas and knows that you want to leave, what kind of mood is he going to be in, I dread to think!

PLEASE, please get help and if it means a refuge, then please go into one.

I'd hate for you to be worried all over Christmas and your children's Christmas to be ruined because Daddy can't handle his drink.

I wish you all the best of luck xxx