Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

teacher2mum

hi there thanks for replying! I just don't know that anymore as he's not the man I fell in love with. His sister told me about his foul temper when we were courting and once he punched the door of my hotel so it's not just the pressure he's under now it's always been dormant. I just feel I've lost the man i married and the best friend I used to have..He has turned all my friends away and hates my family coming over...just don't know if love is enough anymore..........given him so many chances or convinced myself it's all my fault so many times..just exhausted. But everytime i feel like this he comes home in a relatively good mood and then I just think arh well suppose I can forget my feelings and just get by for the kids. When we do talk he can be great..it's the lack of affection now..getting to me after all of these years i think.

teacher2mum

Finally after waiting about 6 weeks for DH to buy and put brake fluid in the car..he has done it! only because i made him feel guilty that they mght stop working and i might crash with the kids in........I have sorted the dogs injecctions out for Saturday but as yet DH has not managed to book her into kennels...Something he promised to do but I kept out of it cos I knew he wouldn't be able to either get her in or wouldn't be able to drop off on Boxing day. He rang up yesterday and came home moaning because he reckons they've nearly doubled in price and she would have to go in to the kennels early christmas eve...(I knew but he wouldn't have listened)...so now he's talking bout taking her to his sisters, but she's not a dog lover so i am trying not to argue bout it!!! and don't get me started on the turkey? Probably because he doesn't want to spend his precious money. When I moaned he will have to wash and clip the dog before he takes her to his sisters, because she honks like a hamster and I'm sick of being the one left to do it...He moaned you go out to work all day and I'll do it all!!! I kndly pointed out that he still wouldn't do it and certainly nothing festive would get done!!! I work from home full-time so he's just being argumentative!!!! He went to bed and didn't even say and this morning just went out to work!!!!

grey_lady

Can I ask what made you say that you're 'getting by for the kids' - if there are rows and things being thrown and an atmosphere then the kids will certainly know about it, overhearing violent rows or even just shouting / narky comments between parents is awful for kids to be subjected to.

Errata

I wonder if it's ever crossed your mind to get him in a corner and say 'How dare you shout in this house and frighten the kids to death' and tell him what the consequences will be if he ever, ever does it again ?

paddy's_mum

I believe that when even the basics of courtesy have disappeared, any relationship is in deep trouble. A simple goodnight may not seem much but its absence indicates a huge lack of respect for the other person and for the relationship itself, whether that be a marriage, a business arrangement, client and counsellor or workman and homeowner.

Your husband is balking every rational move on your part. Is he as brave and all-powerful as he appears to be trying to make out? What would happen if you took up Errata's excellent suggestion and said 'this far and no further'? How far are you helping him to oppress you when you bend over backwards not to antagonise him? Nobody in their right mind actively seeks confrontation but sometimes, playing the pliant, peaceseeker role simply invites more bullying behaviour. As an example - by what law or right does your husband prevent you seeing friends or family?

To be honest, it is the sheer level of hostility that he is apparently feeling that would worry me the most.

lynzpower

I have to agree with Paddys mum and errata.

It is clear that this is not passive aggression, it is pure aggression. Throwing plates of food is textbook domestic violence. You might not want to call it that, but walking on eggshells for the fear of the repercussions, is emotional abuse. You seem to have been physically harmed, certainly your emotional state shines through here.

I am never sure why families "stay together for the sake of the children" when clearly living with an abusive parent is- as many of us can testify- emotional abuse, many here grow up to be adults and their relationships and self esteem are shaped by the key relationship they have witnessed as they are growing up.

I think it is testament to the way you are made to feel at home that you are trying to pacify him by not doing things he might not like, including seeing your own family.

He has no right to do this, and he is exerting control over you. please take care of yourself xxx

SingleSue

ceridwen wrote: »

...and hes moved to your part of the country as well.

I'm also not quite sure as to when you realised hes not cut out for fatherhood - as you now have 3 children by him....

Happened with my husband too.

He was over the moon with the first one and proudly showed everyone the scan photo, the few minutes after being born photo etc and threw himself into night feeds with me.

Second one he was still over the moon and helped out as much as he could.

Third one, hmmm....he had become bored of being a dad by this one (his own words) and blamed me for getting pregnant even though it was as much of a shock to me as it was to him (depo injection failed!)

He only really properly bonded with our second son, eldest he was very critical about and youngest he never bonded with at all (although that may also be down to youngest and his 'non' people) as he just never understood him.

As time went on, he was having less and less to do with his children even though they needed him more and even started to resent them (again his own words), saying that he would be able to buy the latest games system/go on a lads holiday etc if we didn't have the children.

Now we are divorced (we also had the living on eggshells feeling from his rather unpredictable behaviour which at times led to domestic abuse towards myself and the children) and he has very little to do with his children. He loves to boast about the fact that he gets virtually every weekend and most school holidays child free (his new wife has two children but a great ex for having the children) yet he has seen his children for the grand total of 2 hours this year..and even that was because his mother insisted on it.

Put simply, he was bored of being a dad and the responsibility it entailed especially when the going got tough with having two of them disabled.

bundly

Paddy's Mum and Lynzpower are right.

Your marriage is over.

No marriage EVER became rosy and happy after getting to the state you two are in.

If people have to be badgered into agreeing to have sex X number of times a year, this is extremely degrading for both parties. Unless sex is spontaneous and loving, you should not be doing it at all - END OF!

All that you need concentrate on now is the practicalities of how you two are going to separate. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be for the kids.

So start talking to him sensibly about how the two of you are going to split up as amicably as possible.

bundly

lynzpower wrote: »

I am never sure why families "stay together for the sake of the children" when clearly living with an abusive parent is- as many of us can testify- emotional abuse, many here grow up to be adults and their relationships and self esteem are shaped by the key relationship they have witnessed as they are growing up.

I can testify to this from my personal history i.e. parents stayed together for the sake of the kid (me) and my childhood was one long round of loud, drunken rows involving screaming, smashed plates, slammed doors, and parents breaking up and reuniting at least ten times, me running away from home aged 16 just to get away from them. When I was about 20 my Mum told me she'd stayed with Dad and put up with two decades of drunken violence for my sake, which made me feel so guilty I had to get therapy.

I've been unable my whole life to trust anyone enough to get married or have children.

SingleSue

lynzpower wrote: »

I have to agree with Paddys mum and errata.

It is clear that this is not passive aggression, it is pure aggression. Throwing plates of food is textbook domestic violence. You might not want to call it that, but walking on eggshells for the fear of the repercussions, is emotional abuse. You seem to have been physically harmed, certainly your emotional state shines through here.

I am never sure why families "stay together for the sake of the children" when clearly living with an abusive parent is- as many of us can testify- emotional abuse, many here grow up to be adults and their relationships and self esteem are shaped by the key relationship they have witnessed as they are growing up.

I think it is testament to the way you are made to feel at home that you are trying to pacify him by not doing things he might not like, including seeing your own family.

He has no right to do this, and he is exerting control over you. please take care of yourself xxx

For me, I never thought it was abusive, I just thought I was in the wrong.

He had downtrodden me so far that if he got in a temper, it was because I had done something wrong...tea not cooked right, kids not quiet enough..that sort of thing.

The 1st moment I realised it was an abusive relationship and not because I was a crap wife was when my middle son was receiving private tutoring at a family centre and he turned up (on my request as were having problems with middle son) and he proceeded to grab middle son by the clothes around the neck and threw him across the room, grabbed me, shouted right in my face calling me stupid and then pushed me over and then shouted at the social workers who were holding a group there.

Obviously, the social workers were none too impressed with his behaviour and tried to point out he was being out of line, which then earnt them the shouting, stroppy behaviour....they immediately referred us to the Domestic Abuse people.

The 2nd and most telling time was when he had actually left - the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time, dreading the moment he came home, left. The children were happier, started doing better at school and even commented that it felt better at home because they didn't have that sense that something bad was going to happen.

I've since found out some horrendous things from neighbours who were too scared to call the police or to tell me when he was living here...things that involved the children and his aggression towards them - things that have made me feel incredibly guilty about going back to work and leaving them in his care of an evening.