Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

teacher2mum

Thanks Guys I am taking in what you are all telling me and I am sorting out my finances. He was out all morning with my oldest son and the dog, did the shopping and then got a call out. He has just got back. So sad it has come to this as we ere always very very close and never kept anything secret (well i never!!) now I find myself ot telling him things like a diret debit being returned and getting a fee, hiding my business account statements so he wont find out and go off on one or just not talking to him at alll.....He's obviously picking up on the signals as i cut him short when he starts on one and then walk out the room. i have told him to go then and move out and suddenly his behaviour has changed...more patience with the kids and although I'm upstairs selling on ebay he must think i'm having a nap and has told the kids not to disturb me....I think he thinks i'm depressed or something...But i've had tonsillitus this week and now pain in my neck and shouldres...I've been pushing myself all week and today just feel exhausted!!!! instead of moaning about money he went straight over to the swimming pool this morning to pay my sons bill without groaning or arguing (although I did ask him to pay on Tuesday when he was over there watching my son on his swimming lesson but he had non of it!!)...i spent the morning making sure i have enough money to cover the bills as I have two weeks off unpaid now! thanks

teacher2mum

Got up this morning and my shoulder and neck still stiff from having tonsillitus and hubby hasn't even noticed. He was in a good mood yesterday because he didn't have to go around my sisters house this to do the plastering. Agreed to go today! He took the dog to the vets did a basketful of shopping with Ds and then make dinner in the evening...Ooh he had a call out from work in the afternoon so was very grumpy just before he left. Trying not to give a reaction this morning as he has another call out in Wrexham (he usually only has to delegate the work but this weekend he is actually doing the jobs himself, so i know he is putting off going my sisters!!) I have to take two children to parties today so now I have decided to collect all the tools i need whilst i am inbetween parties and go do the plastering myself this afternoon....given up on asking him things and him promising then making every excuse. I know my marriage is over but just trying to come to terms with that so then next time he goes off on one I can be prepared and tell him to go.. Any tips on what to say to him as I don't want to lose control... Going to tell him when we are both calm but just don't know how to say it so he knows I MEAN it and to say it with conviction...I have made my mind up what I have to do!!! Thanks

paddy's_mum

Two questions before you finally, finally, finally make up your mind that your marriage is beyond saving.

Has there ever been anybody that he loves unreservedly - Mum, sister, child .. ? (ie is he actually capable of love, so that the desire not to hurt them comes into play)

Do you still have any love for him or have you got to the point where you are just tired of keeping the peace and supressing who you are?

teacher2mum

Hi Paddy's mum....When thinking deeply I do love him...but only the hubby I married not this man i no longer recognise....still finally deciding tho before I finally finally decide.
Had an argument earlier after 2 call outs and eventually when he started shouting at me bla bla and calling me names I asked him to just leave and he replied well i bloody will then..Then he quickly changed to ...no you move out and kick your sister out of the other house and i'll move in there to You just want me out of the way so you get everything bla bla. After he continued to call me a 'SELFISH !!!!!' bla bla bla I reminded him I wanted nothing and would get an estate agent over in the week and take his share and leave....(didn't say half like he thinks he's gonna get!) In the end he just got more and more aggressive so I said just leave don't worry about my debts i'll sort my own debts out. I left to take my DD to a party in the skiddy ice....Keep breaking down (Inside not infront of daughter...and now he's called me names i feel like poo!!!) How will I ever survive xmas and put a brave face on when we go to stay with his sister!!! She has no idea this is going on!!!!

paddy's_mum

Is this sister the same one who warned you years ago about your hubby's wicked temper? If so, she may not be as unaware as you imagine and indeed, could turn out to be a strong ally while you get your head around all this hurt and the decision making that follows on from it.

I have to say too that it sounds as though hubby is more than halfway along the road of thinking that he wants out. Most spouses would be shocked to a standstill when challenged like that but yours isn't - in fact it sounds as though he had already worked out a plan for separate futures.

Is there no chance of a last heart-to-heart to try to salvage the family unit?

Mrs_P_Pincher

Please do read Robin Norwood – Women who Love too Much – I am convinced that book saved my life. I bought it in 1991 and tried to read it, but it was too painful. I wasn’t ready for the truths in it and I endured five more years of the sort of stuff you’re trying to deal with before I was able to read it and it was like a light going on.

I was subject to physical, verbal and emotional abuse for ten years in total, complicated by his alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs and for years I did the co-dependent thing, taking on everything so he had space to get his head straight. Doesn’t work.

In 1996 I finally read the book and set some guidelines. I didn’t ‘fight back’ as such, I just decided what was and was not acceptable to me. That put him on his back foot and after nine years together he finally offered to marry me – obviously desperate not to lose his victim! That was the point when I left him.

Seven years later I married Mr P. He ain’t perfect (sorry darling) and we don’t always agree, but I don’t have to demean myself by begging for sex, cos it just happens and he treats me with respect – always. He loves me and tells me so every day. It can be done.

You do not have to endure this kind of behavior and of course live is for living – not surviving. If you bring it to an end you will survive, there’s no doubt about that and, perhaps more to the point, you will find out what he is really like and that will validate your decision.

Be careful of your children. For mine it has been a revelation that two people can live together without verbal abuse and physical violence. To quote DD2 “We thought that was normal”. No-one wants to hear their child say that.

For our last six months together mine really appeared to be making an effort. As soon as I left him he reverted to type. Say no more.

Women you trust will recommend a solicitor to talk to. It’s worth just going along and finding out exactly where you would stand financially. A good solicitor will not pressure you to actually do anything, but will leave you to decide when/if the time is right.

Good luck…and be careful of yourself and your children.

Mrs P P

teacher2mum

Hi guys. Paddy's mum it was his sister who told me he was aggressive. My sis is the one who rents our other house and he wants to kick out and move in next to my mum!!! i don't think so!!!! been out for a walk with the kids and been tutoring for 4 hours today but this has got to be the lowest point in it all for me. We are now barely talking after our row yesterday and whilst i was out at the party with DD he cooked the roast dinner like nothing had happened. Finding it really hard to forget about the names he called me yesterday and especially the selfish !!!!! (female dog!!) bit as I do nearly everything and try to protect him most of the time. Fad up now!! some thing happened yesterday that has put all this lack of communication and lack of respect for each other into perspective!!! i am livid and devastated. I'll write it in a minute ...only I just type loads and lost it!!!!!

teacher2mum

It wasn't what he called me it was the way he called me it!!! Ds slept with me last night I ate my dinner in the other room and then sat upstairs on the computer...just because I was so mad with him and I want him to get the message that I am angry with him...i always give in and he NEVER apologises unless i almost sit on him!! Anyway yesterday after our argument as i was getting DD ready to go to her party something happened that I had no clue about til i got home 5 hours later!!! He knew he was looking after the 2 boys as he was playing out in the snow with them just before the row and he had also promised to take them swimming whilst we were out..So i had no reason to think otherwise. when he walked out the back I assumed ( so wrong now and I could kick myself for not checking!!) he had gone back out to play with the boys. I then left few mins later and had been chasing 4 year old in the car who was crying because her snow bunny had been destroyed and i was in tears aswell.... As i pulled off the drive i waited for a while cos my windows needed demisting and I still hadn't clicked that his van was missing! He usually moves it up the road in the snow so the boys can roll their snowman up and he hadn't said he was going out.....Little did I know as i was pulling off the drive that my two boys were left home alone and dad had gone off in a sulk.......I never found out til i asked the oldest DS if he had enjoyed swimming and he said they didn't go cos they had to wait til daddy come in. i am mortified as I have never left them alone for 5 mins and spend a fortune on a child minder if i need one!! I would never have left them and they could have so easily got their coats on and come to the party!!! Just highlights what we are putting the children through and has made me more determined to sort things out for them.. I have an estate agent coming around tomorrow. Eldest Ds must have climbed up to the top cupboard for the spare key and they played out for an hour til their dad came home. He said they were starting to get cold so took their wet gloves off, put their hands in their pockets so they wouldn't get frostbite and then sat somewhere warm til he got home...when he got home he asked where I was!! Then had a right go at me like it was my fault...I will forever feel guilty about not saying goodbye to the boys..but i was upset and i didn't want them worrying about me!!! ARGH men!!

MrsAnnie

teacher2mum wrote: »

Hi guys. Paddy's mum it was his sister who told me he was aggressive. My sis is the one who rents our other house and he wants to kick out and move in next to my mum!!! i don't think so!!!! been out for a walk with the kids and been tutoring for 4 hours today but this has got to be the lowest point in it all for me. We are now barely talking after our row yesterday and whilst i was out at the party with DD he cooked the roast dinner like nothing had happened. Finding it really hard to forget about the names he called me yesterday and especially the selfish !!!!! (female dog!!) bit as I do nearly everything and try to protect him most of the time. Fad up now!! some thing happened yesterday that has put all this lack of communication and lack of respect for each other into perspective!!! i am livid and devastated. I'll write it in a minute ...only I just type loads and lost it!!!!!

Been reading your thread and these few words really stuck out.

I think Grey_lady was right in suggesting that you should look into the dynamics of a co-dependant relationship. Because (IMO) you seem to be so intent on taking care of him. He is an adult, he can protect himself and do his fair share in the relationship.

Years ago, I also read the book Women who Love to Much and it helped me see that taking care and protecting a partner/spouse are not characteristics of a healthy relationship. It breeds alot of resentment and contempt.

You deserve so much more than what this man is giving. Good Luck x

Mrs_P_Pincher

My thoughts exactly Mrs Annie. This is what I did with mine for years, thinking I would help him by giving him the space to get his head together. All it actually meant was that I was taking full responsibility for everything.

If I understand the last posts, OP was taking her DD to a party and himself was supposed to be looking after the DSs but just cleared off without saying anything to her so the boys were left on their own. Not acceptable, but designed, I suspect to inconvenience OP. I'm afraid I recognise the signs.

Mine used to be home every work night by 5.30 except the one night a month when I went to a meeting connected with work. I usually managed to get there half way through, not good as I was the secretary, but after spending the best part of an hour in tears looking out the front window for him to come home. There was really no point me going, but I felt I had to keep going, otherwise he would have won.

It may take OP some time to get her head round this, but I don't think this man's behaviour is acceptable at all.

Watching this thread with interest - recognising myself 12 years ago, when I was in a place I never want to see again.

Mrs P P