Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

teacher2mum

Hi thx. Mixed feelings this morning as estate agent came around and valued our house as it stands today (unfinished and therefore £30,000 less then it could get). i pretended he was santas helper checking the kids bedrooms were tidied for Santa and their new toys...Seemed to work! Now i need to inform hubby. Where do i go from here? Put the house on the market and give him his share (which he seems to think is half!!!!) or try to buy his share out by either selling my business flat or raising another mortgage. i don't want to move really but will if that's my only alternative. At least the flat can be renovated at the same time as this house is on the market!!! Would he be entititled to half or would he have to give me a share for each of the children?
My friend rang just after the estate agent had left and she has no clue what has been going on...she gave us 5 free tickets to go watch Alvin and the chipmunks today cos her children are ill....so we're going there with DS2's friend. I was really down when she phoned so ended up breaking down...now going to cinema instead of Santa cos i just don't feel festive today. brave face on at all times in front of the children!!! My friends are the best !!!

Bethankim

I really feel for you, others have given you really good advice and support.
the only thing i can add is to seek legal advice so you know exactly where you stand and what your oh can and cant try and persuade you to think.

As someone who is used to controlling you, he may react very badly to the stronger you who is emerging, so before you act, get informed make sure you have a good support network (escape route) set up and all your important documents in a safe place.

That may sound dramatic but from the tone of your posts i would worry that it may be harder to break free.

be kind to yourself and i really hope you manage to reclaim your life, confidence and make a safe happy life for you and your children.

Mrs_P_Pincher

Absolutely right - get some legal advice before you do anything. That way you will know exactly what your options are, what you are entitled to etc. Part of the controlling behaviour is to tell you that you will end up with nothing, or at least less than you are entitled to, until you (almost) come to believe it.

Only a solicitor can give you proper advice about the financial stuff, but it may be that you can stay where you are.

Mine was much more manageable once I started to stand up for myself. He was clearly afraid that he wouldn't be able to continue to control me and I would leave - which of course I did. Once I had left I would have gone back if he had ever said he loved me, but he never did, which I think said it all really.

Holding you in my thoughts - this is horrible stuff to have to deal with.

Mrs P P

moneysavermum_2

He sounds stressed out...you need to talk to sit him down and ask him whats the matter and let him know that his behaviour is not accceptable and what will happen if it doesnt change.

I would see seperation as a last resort and I think youll find all debts and assets will go in the big pot and you as the parent with care would probably get 60/40 split of house as well. You will get to keep the house but he would retain a share until youngest is 18 . Also csa will hammer him 255 of his net income bet he hasnt though of the impacts of his behaviour.

You are right not to live in an unbearable situation but make it very clear to him what will happen should this continue.

Failing that just kick him out!!!1

moneysavermum_2

teacher2mum wrote: »

Hi thx. Mixed feelings this morning as estate agent came around and valued our house as it stands today (unfinished and therefore £30,000 less then it could get). i pretended he was santas helper checking the kids bedrooms were tidied for Santa and their new toys...Seemed to work! Now i need to inform hubby. Where do i go from here? Put the house on the market and give him his share (which he seems to think is half!!!!) or try to buy his share out by either selling my business flat or raising another mortgage. i don't want to move really but will if that's my only alternative. At least the flat can be renovated at the same time as this house is on the market!!! Would he be entititled to half or would he have to give me a share for each of the children?
My friend rang just after the estate agent had left and she has no clue what has been going on...she gave us 5 free tickets to go watch Alvin and the chipmunks today cos her children are ill....so we're going there with DS2's friend. I was really down when she phoned so ended up breaking down...now going to cinema instead of Santa cos i just don't feel festive today. brave face on at all times in front of the children!!! My friends are the best !!!

Donot move or do anything regarding moving. You will never have to move whilst you have minors ie young children in the home and why should you uproute your kids for him.

Just change the locks and kick him out bags and all if he doesnt change. Then go to a solicitor and change your bank account straight away. Then youll have control back and he will be on his aggressive harris where he belongs right now.

teacher2mum

Thanks guys much appreciated as today is really my lowest point. My stiff neck and shooting pain in my back isn't helping so I am being grumpy...Pain killers kicking in now. I am not going to tell him about the estate agent until i have seen a solicitor. I have also been to the library today and ordered the book people keep telling me to read. It is out but they will get it for me!! don't want to spend unnecessary money. My business (private tuition ) is from my home so i really do not want to leave this address but I can't leave my hubby with nothing...i know i keep expecting him to turn back into this lovely gentle gent everyone else sees but I know it isn't going to happen. i can't just kick him out and change the locks ...I was hoping it would be more amicable then that..............I know i need to speak to him but can't see a solicitor til after christmas now and he is always on the defensive as soon as i mention it!!! would you go to newcastle with him for 3 days just to keep the peace? I dunno what to do for the sake of the kids!

Bethankim

Oh sweetie,

if you look in the phone book for family law - at least make an appointment for after christmas.
I guess its hard because you still have the picture of what he used to be like and i so understand.

I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship recently, because and it was pretty awful and i spent half my time apologizing, walking on egg shells and trying to protect him, his feelings and felt guilty all the time..think i need to read that book too.

I did it as gently as possible, the difference is he wasnt abusive but was very good at turning things back on me so i questioned myself all the time.

I cant advise on whether you go or not, only you can make that choice..as i see it

choice one - continue as hard as it is, with the facade of being your 'normal' self whilst making decisions in your head and have the time away as planned

choice 2 - say no and go and stay with a friend or relative until you can see a solicitor - make it clear you cant go on and although you knwo the children will be upset, his behavior has made you decide its better for the children and you not to be exposed to it a moment longer

now only you can make that decision, as well as a solicitor perhaps a phone call to relate for yourself (they will see you alone) to work through your emotions too, because as long as you keep looking back to what you perceived him to be you will struggle to see it for the true picture.

I hung in for 6 months - thinking it will get better until i woke up and saw i was repeating a pattern again and although different man, i had unconsciously found another man to try and fix, for him to fit my picture and yes Love too much..this time didnt take me so long to wake up..

You are doing so well and will get there, but i found by being honest with my friends and family about what was going on gave me the strength to change things..

hugs

alleycat`

I know this is probably a bit "left field" but is it possible he is acting this way to make you do exactly what you are looking to do.

I know that people sometimes will behave in a very awful/strange manor to get someone else to do something that they themselves can't do.

I'm not sure that helps but it is something i've seen people do before.
I've probably even done it myself

O and whatever happens i hope for the best for all of you - even if he is acting like an a!!e.

moneysavermum_2

youll know when youve had enough. Dont force yourself to act now...just monitor the situation over xmas and him (and his behaviour) take a step back and look at whats oing on. Youll know in your own time if your happy or not. But when and if you do split up dont expect everything to be fair, as things can turn very nasty especially when it comes down to the money.

teacher2mum

thankyou from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has replied to this thread. Slowly I am starting to tell friends and they just can't believe it as they have always perceived us has being a lovely couple, even friends we have been on hols with are shocked. I am in a turmoil but day by day I am getting through this thick mud i am wading in and have decided to stand up and be counted. I've noticed tonight that he has come home gentler and being nicer to our children. He has even tried to start conversations off . He has found out about the estate agent and didn't seem that fussed wanted to know when 'I' was putting it on the market then. i still have a bad head and neck so went off to bed...Not before feeding the kids, reading them a story and putting their pjs on. We had big cuddles in our bed then they went off to watch a dvd in the boys room. I know this wont last and he will be back to being aggressive before long!!! I haven't made my mind up about whether to go with him up north or not!!! Got to get through visiting Santa tomo as OH doesn't finish work til 5pm christmas Eve and so it has to be done by myself. I might as well be on my own..still do everything but wont have the guilty feelings if i haven't done it right or if he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. I think he thinks the injections i am having to shut my ovaries down have made me unhinged and so he still isn't quite getting the message!! Of course non of it will ever be his fault...and until he agrees to go for anger management or cognitive behaviour therapy then there is nothing else i am prepared to do for him!! I had Counselling for Postnatal depression 2 years ago and the lovely counsellor is now one of the mums at school so I am hoping to see her and ask if she can see me privately on my own to perk my self esteem back up and besides she went through quite a public marriage break up 2 years ago and so she may be very informative!!!!