Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

MrsAnnie

I hope that whatever decision you make on whether to go up North is based on what you want to do and what is best for YOU and the children.

I am glad you are sharing with your friends and going to see a therapist. Because you will begin to realise that this is relationship is not about love, it is about control and domination.


I find this thread very difficult to read, because i have been through the same kind of mentally abusive marriage, with my ex convincing me every little mistake was my fault (even forgetting a pack of sweets he bought at the shop!) I still to this day (7 years later) can not comprehend how I let him manipulate me for so long; he was so slick and so convincing. But i was so eager to please and want our marriage to work that I ended up trying to satisfy his every want and need. Not saying his behaviour was my fault, but I let him dominate me through my insecurities. Relationships like this don't work because love isn't the the primary factor.


i hope you manage to find a some peace and enjoyment this Xmas.


Annie X

teacher2mum

Thx Annie.
Well today I felt alot better now the drugs have kicked in with the sore neck but i still had to prise myself out of bed...Legs very wobbly and heavy but i keep resisting. Just feel like i'm gonna faint all the time. Anyway, hubby usually buys turkey but as he's being an ar5e I decided to go to Morrisons and do the xmas shop with the 3 monkeys ....had stroppy DS1 because he wanted Ice age 3 DVD and i had no spare cash for that as hubby as only given me £160 towards xmas and i had to battle for that.......Couldn't face abother battle with him over money so stuck it on a credit card. I had promised to take the children to see Santa so we did that at Cheshire icecream farm...no queues and fab pressies and we had lunch and a play in the soft play afterwards...nice day!!! I then popped to my mothers . Dad was asking me about OH and going to Newcastle and grooming the dog. I said i don't know and in the New year he's going. Dad seemed to think I meant shopping and sailing or something and after i told him a few homes truths he didn't seem shocked just said he thinks he must be having a 'break down'. Mother surprised me most because she shouted at me because it was both our faults that the boys got left home alone and that I should have double checked before I went out (now i'm back to feeling like cr4p mother again) and continued to argue that I need to really work at a marriage and that i should make the children do exactly what their father tells them so not to aggravate him because he must have taken too much on with the buy to let and my shop and flat!!! I am really shocked...but i think I shocked my mother as she has a soft spot for my OH(he has won her over and no one wins my mother over!) and she left my dad when we were little because of his aggressive behaviour and drinking probs...They got back together....I obviously didn't tell her everything about his controlling nature and lack of sex but she made me feel lower then before I told her!!!!! Hubby not home from work when we got back at 7.30pm then i found out i had gone £1.48 overdrawn on the 21st from our joint account for a new D/Debit for £3.00 that i had forgotten about with all this mess!!! Can't wait for his reaction as he went berserk last time we went over drawn...He's just working to pay all the interest of our cards and overdrafts bla bla bla like i've run up all the bills on my own!!! I had another break down at my sisters after mums and she said I should have said this I should have said that. Was going to ring HIS sister to tell her I was thinking of not coming and the reasons why...but when I got home there was a message from her all estatic as the courts have made the adoption of her new 4 year old daughter official...so i didn't want to pop her bubble. Just think she is the only one to get through to him....but then she may react like my own mother and I don't know if I can face that or whether too just put a smiley face on for the crowds!!!!! Sad sad day!!!

gorgeouslatinrose

Awwwww! Im afraid I have no advice for you, but am sending you a virtual hug and stay strong, your mother is probably shocked and took it out the wrong way, im sure eventually she will come round. Good luck xxx

grey_lady

Aren't mothers brilliant at making us feel crap about ourselves :rolleyes: I'm sure mine doesnt even know she's dropping devasting insults half the time.

the kids were fine in the end, and it really wasn't your fault they were on your own. I don't mean to keep pressing 'the book' but its only £2.77 including p&p from Amazon if the library doesnt come through.

Just think, a year on from now and things will be better.

Ilovecubbage

Sorry to bardge in, but it seems I have too been in this pickle with my hubby.
I got this book "You can heal your life" off Amazon recently and it really made it clear in my mind.
I can`t praise this book enough.
I would love my hubby to read it too, but he woun`t have this nonsence.
It brings you back to your childhood , the way you were treated by your parents and this is how we behaive today.
Please do read this one too, it will bring lots of thing up for you.
Take care and Merry Xmas.

julliff

Hi,

I don't really have any advise, but I just wanted to add my support.

I know what is is like to live with a controlling manipulator, and I am dreading tomorrow.

I am sorry that your Mum reacted the way she did - my Mum has been my rock.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas - keep posting.

:grouphug:

teacher2mum

Thx guys I will get both books in the new year. I had an hospital appointment at 9.30...the injection in my stomach to shut my ovaries down...hubby not even asked so i guess he conveniently forgot and happy to be at work til 5pm today!! childminder was poorly so I had to trudge over to the other side of town in the snow as my sis kindly offered to have the children whilst i went. Nipped in mums and exchanged gifts as my hubby made it quite clear that i was not to go galavanting on xmas day (to my mothers etc etc) She mentioned nothing about our little chat yesterday!! i came home and watched Coroline with the children. I have written my sister-in-law a letter and stuck it on her present like a card so my hubby doesn't get suspicious (just incase i don't end up going!!!) Anyway guys i'll let you know how tomo goes. Merry xmas to you all!!! Bx

teacher2mum

Hi guys well I went up North and survived and now we are back. Still only talking to him if I have to and I am fully convinced that i need a separation now. His sister was cross when we arrived as unknown to me he hadn't asked her whether we could take the dog until xmas day and she had no time to book her cats in the kennels. anyway as she opened the door she didn't even say hello before saying 'However do you put up with him? If i had been married to him we would be divorced by now!' i said don't worry that will be on the cards soon enough. Very bizarre moment but she digged abit deeper and from then on as been my ally. We went shopping and for coffee together one day and after i told her she said i was stronger then this and could live on my own without him as he is nothing but a bully!! When we spoke about the lack of sex she just came out and asked whether I thought he was gay! I was shocked as the only response I have had so far is whether he is having an affair. Like me, she too denied any idea of an affair as he is just not like that. she confirmed her father used to speak to her mother like that and that he was probably just picking it up from him. I reassured her he wouldn't be doing that with me because I need to break the mould now as I don't want my sons growing up like that. He cooked xmas dinner and was trying very hard to be nice but he has mnade some sarcastic comments at his sisters house and she must have had words with him because as we left she hugged him and said to be nice!!! He hasn't mentioned anything! He was really bad tempered with me when i asked him to pull over because my DD needed a wee and very mean!! Then was nice again at home...I just can't live like this.....My sis has invited us around her house tonight for a party and i am thinking of seriously going with the kids and sleeping over and leaving misery behind...just not told him yet!!! For me the marriage is over and i have had my limit...can not take anymore if he doesn't get help!!! My sister has told my parents a little bit about the situation and they say they are generally shocked and didn't know how to react when i told them as they think he is golden balls.....Think mother has realised what she said was very hasty but there again if i never told her any of I don't blame her!!! Thanks for all your advice and I hope it all gets sorted out in 2010 one way or another. Big hugs to anyone else in my situation and has just had the worse christmas ever!!!!!!

Mips

I see you have your problems but the guy is taking the kids out, cooking roast dinners.. paying bills.. working...

.. I fail to see how he isn't a good father?


You have dogs.. 3 kids.. jobs.. renovations.. the poor man sounds like he's at his wits end and it sounds like you have so much going on in your lives you are both guilty of neglecting the other.

Don't lie all the blame at his feet, go to Relate.



And listening to what everyone else has to say on the matter is so wrong. Perhaps HE is the one depressed?

Mips

woody01 wrote: »

OP.
Having read most of thi sthread, and getting bored with the rest, it sounds like you are the problem and not him.

You make demands (money/sex) and get stroppy when he says no.
He pays YOUR bills aswell, so i am not suprised he lost interest.

I think HE would be better off without YOU

I agree with you to an extent :eek: